Hal: What do you say, Reese? You want to take the new boat out this afternoon? Maiden voyage. Just you and me. Father and son slicing through the waves, wind in our hair. And look, I re-did the aft bathroom.
Reese: Sorry, Dad, I start my new job today.
Hal: Oh, come on! You don't actually do any work the first day. You're just filling out forms and deciding on a nemesis.

Reese: I know I'm the new guy, but you've been on the phone for a half hour and you haven't closed this deal? Remember your ABCs. Always Be Selling.

Lois: All right, Dewey, I know what's going on. [starts looking around her room] I know it's you. If it were Reese, he'd be bragging to everyone about it. Malcolm doesn't have the patience. So, that leaves you, Dewey. If I had any proof, we'd be having this conversation while I was walling you up inside your bedroom closet. [sighs] This is about the volcano, isn't it? All right, I acknowledge that perhaps I was a little inconsiderate of your needs, but that in no way justifies these petty attacks. Still, we have to move on. So, here's the deal: In the future, I promise to be more attentive and aware of your feelings, not that being the loving mother I am, I wouldn't be doing that anyway. Ah-ha! [sighs] And in return, you will promise to stop this stupid campaign to drive me crazy. Just give me a little sign that we understand each other. [two taps] Good.
[When Lois leaves her bedroom, a tree branch is repeatedly tapping against her window]

Lois: All right, would someone care to explain something to me?
Malcolm: What?
Lois: Why is this sleeve slightly shorter than this sleeve?
Reese: Maybe one of your arms is getting longer.
Lois: They're not. I measured them.
Malcolm: That's crazy.
Lois: Oh, you'd like me to think so, but I know someone has been messing with my stuff. The mirrors on my car are askew, my toothbrush is wet, and the lint trap in the dryer, which I emptied this morning, is now magically full of lint.
Reese: Should you even be doing laundry in this condition?
Lois: I want to know who's responsible and I want to know now.
Malcolm: Mom, why would we do any of that to you?
Dewey: Yeah, Mom, why would we?

Reese: Did you know how hard it was to get this job? Everywhere else I applied called my references. Thank God telemarketing has no standards. Basically, I get to harass old people and shut-ins all day. I'm getting paid to do what I love.

Lois: Jamie, time to get going. Let's put your shoes on.
[Jamie runs off screaming]
Lois: Wonder what's gotten into him.
Reese: I have no idea.
[flashback:]
Reese: Now pay attention. I'm only going to show this to you one more time. [starts tying own shoelaces] The rabbit comes out of his hole, and runs around the tree. But he won't stop laughing at you. So you grab him by the tail and it rips off in your hand. You follow the trail of blood back to his hole. And then you reach in, pull the rabbit out and then you strangle him! And then you're ready to walk around.

Hal: Picture this, Dewey.
Dewey: Not gonna happen.
Hal: Give me one good reason.
Dewey: You're forcing me to say exactly why I don't want to do this and it's not going to make you happy and it's not going to make me happy. So why don't we just leave it alone?

Dewey: Mom, did you remember to buy the baking soda for my class project?
Lois: Ah, I forgot.
Dewey: What? I asked you like five times.
Lois: That I remember.
Dewey: My science partner's going to hate me. I was supposed to bring in the baking soda for a volcano. Now it's just going to be a mountain full of vinegar.
Lois: Just do what your brother did. Take the baby powder and blame the guy who brought the vinegar.

Man #1: [on the phone] Ma'am, anyone who enjoys breathing will benefit from the new Ionator 5150. This amazing all natural purifier has been proven to remove 63%...
Man #2: [on phone] ...of all airborne pathogens including asbestos, cigarette smoke and Taiwanese dust mites. If you order now, we guarantee...
Reese: [on phone] ...you'll probably be dead by morning. But you're right, buddy, your life's not worth 50 bucks, so please let me off the phone so I can start saving people who want to live. All right, fine, I'll put you down for two, but next time, don't jerk me around. [hangs up]
Supervisor: How's everything going over here?
Reese: People are so stupid they'll believe anything. I threw the fact sheet out the window and just started making stuff up.
Supervisor: Ah, no problem. I made up the fact sheet. Six sales in 20 minutes. You're a natural. Keep this up and you got a good shot at winning the sales contest.
Reese: What contest?
Supervisor: Ah, we're tallying total sales over on the big board. First prize is a flat-screen TV. Second prize is a barbecue grill. Third prize is one of our air purifiers. But believe me, you don't want that. Keep up the good work.
Reese: [on the phone] Hello, I'm calling from Air Scrub Air Filters. No, no, no, don't put Mommy on the phone.

Lois: How was Stevie?
Malcolm: I didn't get to see him.
Lois: You left for the hospital over three hours ago.
Malcolm: I tried taking the express bus, but somehow I ended up on a shuttle to the airport. Seriously, they need to label those things better.
Lois: They're bright red and say "airport shuttle" on the side.
Malcolm: We drove right past the hospital, but the stupid driver wouldn't let me out. When did people stop caring?
Lois: Calm down, Malcolm. It's no big deal. You can go tomorrow.
Malcolm: Yeah, if the buses will let me.