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Malcolm in the Middle: Hal's Dentist

717. Hal's Dentist

Aired March 26, 2006

Hal gets into a feud with one of his poker buddies, Trey, who offered to fix Hal's broken tooth. Malcolm and Dewey find a comfortable new mattress. Meanwhile, Reese teaches Lois how to ride a bicycle.

Quote from Lois

Lois: There's this stupid bike-a-thon at work. Some idiot made a big stink about how the store's not doing enough for charity.
Reese: Then don't do it.
Lois: I have to. I'm the idiot. And I... I... I... can't ride a bike. And it's very embarrassing.
Reese: So you really can't ride a bike?
Lois: No.
Reese: Hey, everybody! My mom can't- [Lois tackles Reese and holds his head to the ground]
Lois: You don't understand! My father didn't believe in training wheels!
Reese: Mom!
Lois: He just tied me to the bike and pushed me down the hill.
Reese: Mom, there's glass down here!
Lois: I came back with three teeth in my hand, and he just pushed me down all over again. After that, I just told people I knew how to ride. And I've been living with this lie ever since!
Reese: Mom!
Lois: If you tell anybody, I will kill you! Do you hear me?

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Quote from Malcolm

Malcolm: Wow, and I thought Reese was the one dragging us down.
Dewey: Maybe we should see how he's doing with his squirrel.
Malcolm: If I know Reese, all the good parts are gone by now. Nothing exciting ever happens around here.
[A mattress falls from the sky and lands in the middle of the road]
Dewey: Wow. We even have boring miracles.
Malcolm: It must have fallen from a plane or something.
Dewey: Wow, this is brand-new. At least what I think a mattress would look like new. It's got no lumps.
Malcolm: No weird stains.
Dewey: No springs sticking out of it.
Both: It's got tags! [both sit down]
Dewey: It's like sitting on a cloud with two clouds under it.
Malcolm: This is amazing. I'm in ass heaven.
Dewey: Maybe it's worth some money.
Malcolm: Sell it or keep it? Let's think about this for a second. [both lay back]

Quote from Hal

Lois: Hal, you have an infection. You have to see a dentist.
Hal: I made an appointment with Dr. Voorhees tomorrow.
Lois: Isn't that the guy we took Dewey's hamster to?
Hal: He's a doctor. If he isn't in the society pages, then you're not impressed, huh, Lois?

Quote from Hal

Hal: Oh, my tooth!
Trey: Please, let the dentist take a look.
Hal: It's this one.
Trey: Uh-oh, #31 is cracked.
Hal: Is that important?
Trey: Only for eating and talking. It's one of the glory boys. You better get that fixed.
Hal: Great. My company doesn't have a dental plan anymore. They got us a foosball table instead.
Brian: So where you been going?
Hal: The dental college. It's not too bad, but they do make you sign a death waiver.
Trey: Forget about that. Come by my office on Monday, and I'll take care of it.
Hal: Really?
Trey: Absolutely.
Hal: Wow, it's been so many years since I've been to a real dentist. Do you supply the ether rag, or should I bring my own?

Quote from Reese

Reese: God, I'm so bored. Everything's boring. It makes ditching school almost seem like a bad choice.
Malcolm: Even talking about boring is getting boring.
Dewey: Yeah, boring.
Reese: Bored, bored, bored, bored- Wait! You see that?
Malcolm: What?
Reese: It's a dead squirrel! Gentlemen, our week just filled up.
Dewey: Sorry, not interested.
Malcolm: Sure, it looks good to you now, but it's just going to wind up in the closet with all the others. Pass.
Reese: Your loss. See you, suckers.

Quote from Reese

[When Reese walks down the street, he looks to his side and sees Lois down the alley with a bicycle.]
Lois: [nervously] Okay, okay.
Reese: Mom?
Lois: Why aren't you in school?! You're in trouble, young man!
Reese: Oh, I don't think so. You're in the middle of an alley trying to get on a bike. You are ashamed of something. I can always smell shame. It's kind of like rotten coconut.

Quote from Reese

Reese: I won't tell a soul! Let me up, and I can help!
Lois: What?!
Reese: I know how to ride a bike! I'll teach you!
Lois: You'd really do that?
Reese: Absolutely. And you don't have to be embarrassed. No one will ever find out your horrible secret. [a man walks by] No, lady, I don't want your drugs! [winks]

Quote from Hal

Trey: Enjoying Lord of the Rings in high-def?
Hal: Oh, it's unbelievable. No lines, no commercials... I'm bringing Lois here for our anniversary. I still can't get over all this. A real sink to spit in. I really don't have to swallow it.
Trey: Hal, are you crying?
Hal: They're good tears. How much longer will it take?
Trey: I'm done.
Hal: You can't be. I didn't bite down on the pain stick.
Trey: No, it's done; I finally got the temporary crown on. I got to tell you, Hal, it was in pretty bad shape, but I think you're going to be happy with the results.
Hal: Wow, you really are a friend.

Quote from Hal

Hal: Two thousand dollars?! Excuse me, but this can't be right. Trey said he would take care of it.
Receptionist: The doctor handed me the bill himself.
Hal: You don't understand. I'm a friend of Trey's.
Receptionist: And he gave you the friend discount: ten percent.
Hal: You mean he was going to charge me more?!
Man: Can I have the key to the bathroom?
Hal: Careful, it'll cost you $200 in a bathroom fee! You know what? [rips up bill] You can tell Trey that this is what I think of his bill.
Receptionist: That was your parking validation.
Hal: I know. Could I have another one?

Quote from Malcolm

Malcolm: Morning.
Dewey: Morning.
Malcolm: Last night was...
Dewey: Fantastic.
Malcolm: I'm glad we got these 600-thread-count sheets. Anything else would have been an insult to this beautiful mattress.
Dewey: We really have been living like beasts.
Malcolm: A good night's sleep. Just think what we can do with all this new energy.
Dewey: Yeah.
Malcolm: Five more minutes?
Dewey: I'm right behind you, buddy.

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