Hal: [sleepily] Well, Dewey, looks like you pulled another "Debilitating Depression" card. Back to the lockdown ward for you, my friend.
Dewey: Dad, we've been playing all night. Can't we stop?
Hal: That is exactly what I'm trying to teach you, son. You can't just quit when things get tough. You have to grind it out day after day after day to feed your kids, to pay your mortgage. That's how real life works. Unless, of course, you pull the "Suicide" card. Oh, but there's very few of those in the deck. Well, my turn.

Hal: Six, seven, eight. I win!
Dewey: Wow. I got to tell you, Dad, I really thought this was just going to be another one of your stupid, useless lessons, like the time you made us nurse that rabid squirrel back to health. But this one really worked. I can't believe it, but I really learned some valuable things about life and about how the world really works. Thank you.
Hal: That's loser talk!
Dewey: What?
Hal: I am living in Successful Estates while you are being buried in a piano box! [laughs] In your face, drug addict! Hotcha! I won! I won! Oh, yes, indeed, I won! [cheers] I won, I won, I won...

Hal: You know, I felt pretty bad after our little conversation the other day. So I did a little poking around the garage myself, and you'll never guess what I found. Dewey's artwork. Kindergarten, first grade. Oh, look, art camp. It's all here.
Dewey: Sorry, Dad, I don't know what to say. Wait a minute, here's a drawing I did of Grandma.
Hal: And it's beautiful. You did a really nice job with her whiskey bottle.
Dewey: I also have her missing a leg. Interesting, since she didn't lose it until last year.
Hal: Dewey, if you're trying to tell me that you can predict the future...
Dewey: So you're neglectful, and you think I'm an idiot. That's nice.
Hal: I spent over an hour on this rainbow, Dewey! You're not an easy boy to love, you know!

Hal: Lois, I don't want to alarm you, but there is a naked man in your house!
Lois: [o.s.] What took you so long? The boys left for the prom a half hour ago.
Hal: Yeah, I know, I got a flat tire on my way to Jamie's babysitter. I had to drive back on the rim. There were a lot of sparks, but I don't think anything caught fire. The main thing is that you and I have... [screams] Dewey! What are you doing here?
Dewey: I live here.
Hal: Honey, Dewey's here!
Lois: [o.s.] What's he doing here?
Hal: Don't you have a prom to go to?
Dewey: I'm not in high school.
Hal: He says he's not in high school!
Lois: [o.s.] Oh, for God sakes, Hal, we're just going to have to take a raincheck.
Hal: No! [to Dewey] Okay, look, I'm very sorry, but you got to get out of here.
Dewey: What? But I'm researching a history report online.
Hal: If it's money you want, you got it. [grabs wallet] Here, you ought to be able to have a good time with that.
You can go to a movie, grab a burger. Hey, the Hyatt has a piano bar.
Dewey: But I don't have any shoes.
Hal: Buy some! I love you, son. Hey, listen, maybe we'll go to the zoo sometime, huh? Just you and me! [closes door]

Hal: I just have to come out and say it. I was incredible, and you were no slouch yourself.
Lois: I'm the lucky one, Hal. All I had to do was show up.
Hal: Did you hear the phone ring?
Lois: Hal, I couldn't have heard the space shuttle land.
Dewey: [on answer machine] Hi, this is Dewey. Remember me? Your fourth son? Nah, I don't expect you to miss me, but at some point, Dad, you may miss the wallet you threw at me.
Lois: You gave him your wallet?!
Dewey: So here's the deal: If you'd like to see all your money and credit cards again...
Hal: Wait a minute. That bell ringing in the background. I know I've heard that before! [rewinds tape]
Dewey: [on tape] So here's the deal: If you'd like to see all your...
Hal: That is Saint Matthew's. No, wait. Saint Luke's on Third. It's definitely a Lutheran bell. [rewinds tape]
Dewey: [on tape] If you'd like to see your all your money and credit cards again, meet me where they're building the new library, at the corner of Washington and Olive.
Hal: Ah! That's it!

Reese: What'd I miss?
Malcolm: There was this big flash, some fire shot out, and now he's just coming to.
Reese: What?! I was only gone for a second!
Dewey: Shh! I want to see this.
Lois: Oh, for God's sake, Hal! Pay the money and get a repairman.
Hal: I am not wasting good money when I am perfectly capable... [Hal screams as sparks fly from the TV] [boys laugh]

Hal: [on the phone] Listen, I am begging you. I just need $5,000. You think I would be calling you if I wasn't desperate? Look, I know how much you hate me, but- No kidding, I'm at rock bottom. I've got no money, no prospects and nowhere else to turn. Well... Can I speak to a senior loan officer?

Loan Shark: You want 8,000 dollars?
Hal: Yes.
Loan Shark: All right, the way this works is you come back next week-
Hal: That won't be necessary. I'm not going to pay you back. Hear me out. There's no way I can get the money to pay you, but instead of making you go through that whole, stupid charade where you keep calling me and I keep making lame excuses until you hunt me down, I am willing to go straight to the leg-breaking.
Loan Shark: Really?
Hal: Yes. Whenever you say, I just show up and you start snapping bones. Arms, legs, whatever. Invite anyone you want. I promise, I will scream and cry and beg for mercy, and make it so loud and so horrible that no one who sees it will ever miss another payment again. Now, you can't buy that kind of publicity.
Loan Shark: Couldn't I just not give you the money and still break your arms and legs? Wouldn't that accomplish the same thing?
Hal: True. But then I think your point starts to get muddled. Maybe we should sleep on it. [runs away]

Hal: Malcolm, where have you been? You got to get in on this.
Malcolm: Dad... I want skating lessons.
Hal: Son, do you know, once you start there's no going back?
Malcolm: I know.
Hal: This means total commitment. Once you begin the path, there is no leaving the path. Are you sure you're ready for that? I mean really ready?
Malcolm: I-I guess so.
Hal: Neat. We'll start tomorrow. Come on, dig in before they harden.

Hal: What do you think, more salt, more cilantro, a little zing of Tabasco?
Reese: It's perfect. I can't taste any more.
Hal: OK, dips: creamy, salsa, crab and compote. Chips: potato, corn, blue corn, sour cream and onion, salt and vinegar, Kettle. Bait.
Malcolm: How much did this table cost? Is this why I didn't get a birthday present?
Hal: This is my first time hosting the poker game and I want everything perfect when my friends come over. At least better than their stuff.