Francis: Malcolm, we have to talk. We've been avoiding this, but it's time to face the facts. We need you to forge Dad's signature on this document declaring Mom mentally incompetent. That way, when Dad goes to jail, you can get emancipated and I'll take custody of Dewey and Jamie.
Dewey: It's funny. I always figured Mom for jail and Dad for the loony bin. Life, huh?

Lois: Good night, honey. I made you a turkey and cream cheese sandwich for school tomorrow. [closes door]
Malcolm: What are you trying to do?
Reese: Mom hasn't made you do any of the crap she's made us do. Why is she being so nice to you?
Dewey: Because, for the last three days, I haven't done anything wrong. You see, Mom doesn't yell and scream at us because it's the only way she knows how to talk. She does it because we do stuff that's bad. And, if you don't do anything, she doesn't get mad at you. You understand? It's not her. It's us.
Malcolm: Fine. Don't tell us.

Dewey: Dad, I've been thinking a lot about Grandma losing her leg. I mean, Grandma lost her leg saving my life, but she doesn't really want to talk to me, so I figure the least I can do is honor her leg. You know, pay it some decent last respects. Like maybe have a funeral for it or something.
Hal: Dewey, you just can't do that. The leg is medical waste. The hospital has to process it and do whatever they do with that stuff. How about this? Tomorrow, we go in the garage and make your grandmother a peg. You can paint it like a candy cane.
Dewey: No, I want the leg.
Hal: You can't get a leg, Dewey. That's just not going to happen.
[cut to:]
Dewey: [on the phone] Hello, Pathology? Yes, this is Judy Green from Dr. Weiss' office. I'm calling about the chop-and-drop he did Thursday on the old lady. Listen, Dr. Weiss thinks he may have left his wedding ring in that leg. He was pretty hammered. Yeah, again. So anyway, we need to get that leg out of there before the lawyers come around and do their Monday-morning quarterbacking. You know what, instead of the usual place, just send it to my house. I'll give you the address.

Malcolm: I have a favor to ask. I'm taking Music Appreciation, but I'm not doing so well. I have to get an "A" in this class. I know you know about this stuff, so I'm willing to pay you ten bucks an hour to teach me until I get it right, okay?
Dewey: [laughs] "The Adagio for Organ and Strings" makes you happy?
Malcolm: Are you going to help me or not?
Dewey: So let me get this straight. You, the brilliant genius Malcolm, are coming to me, your little brother, for help on your homework?
Malcolm: Yes, Dewey, that's right.
Dewey: So you're a total idiot at music?
Malcolm: Yes, Dewey, it seems that way.
Dewey: Huh. That's probably why you're such a drag to be around.
Malcolm: Yes, Dewey, that's probably why I'm such a drag to be around.
Dewey: Interesting. And that must be why you're hitting yourself.
Malcolm: Is this gonna take long?
Dewey: Depends how fast you obey. And that must be why you're hitting yourself.

Dewey: Can we begin? [Malcolm lights a match and throws it on the X-ray tube] With this fire, a terrible secret that bound us together is gone forever. Jamie will grow up in a world without the fear that haunted every second of our lives. He'll learn to give birthday presents out of love, not blackmail, and to share out of the generosity of his heart, not the dread in the pit of his stomach. With this fire, a curse is lifted and a brilliant new dawn is born.
All: Amen. [fire crackers pop]
Reese: Nice touch.

Malcolm: Let go of me. I don't want to be your baby-sitter. I just want to be by myself.
Dewey: Are you mad?
Malcolm: I'm not mad.
Dewey: You sound mad.
Malcolm: Fine, I'm mad!
Dewey: Who are you mad at?
Malcolm: I'm not mad! Look, you wouldn't understand.
Dewey: Yes, I would.
Malcolm: No, you wouldn't. You're still living in your kiddie dream world. You don't realize you're nothing but an insignificant speck of dust Lost in an uncaring universe full of random tragedy.
Dewey: What's a lemur?

Abe: Thank you so much for letting us be a part of Dewey's birthday. You enjoying your special day, son?
Dewey: I expect nothing and I'm still let down.

Dewey: [to Hal] The future's now, old man.

Hal: It's so nice to have the kids out of the- Dewey! What are you doing?!
Dewey: Painting the wall.
Lois: What is the matter with you? Why on earth would you do this?
Dewey: The baby told me to.
Lois: The ba-? What, this baby?
Dewey: It chose the color, too. I would have gone with more of an earth tone.

Malcolm: Dave Spath. He never gets sent anywhere. What do you do if he catches you?
Dewey: Roll in a ball.
Malcolm: What if he starts kicking you?
Dewey: Stay in a ball.
Malcolm: Okay. Come on.