Dewey: [to the dog] And then Dewey and Marshmallow killed the evil dragon, rescued the poor little princess and flew all the way back home. And they got medals and big red capes and everybody loved them.
[Reese opens the bedroom door and tries to waft the smell of roast beef into the room]
Dewey: [Marshmallow groans] Are you OK? [Marshmallow runs out of the room] Marshmallow!
[When the boys catch up with Marshmallow, he's already up on the kitchen table eating the roast beef.]
Dewey: Marshmallow, stop!
Lois: [o.s.] Boys, I told you to stay in your room!
Dewey: [whispers] Marshmallow, hide!
[After the dog runs away, Dewey climbs up on the table and sticks his face in the roast beef]

Dewey: [as a Southern belle] I agree, Mrs. Wiggins. These pastries are delightful.
Hal: Son, whatcha doing?
Dewey: I'm having a tea party with Mrs. Bear and the ladies.
Hal: Oh, that's... good.
Dewey: Care to join us?
Hal: Yeah, I have actually, a... Hey, you know what, why don't we go buy that stealth bomber model you've been asking for?
Dewey: OK.
Hal: OK. [exits]
Dewey: Sometimes it's just too easy.

Lois: Okay, hold still.
Dewey: I don't think I want to be in this play. Now, I've been doing some reading, and this Lincoln person wasn't such a great guy. Did you know that the Emancipation Proclamation wasn't about slavery at all? It was strictly a political move.
Lois: Honey, you're just nervous 'cause you've never had a part with lines before. Or where you move.
Dewey: For the love of God! He suspended the writ of habeas corpus in Maryland!

Man: Young man, nice job with those weeds yesterday. Is five dollars okay?
Dewey: Okay. Thank you.
Reese: No way, you didn't pull any weeds yesterday.
Dewey: I know.
Reese: What's going on?
Dewey: It's money day.
Reese: Money day?
Dewey: Yeah. I don't know why, but it's been happening a lot lately.
Reese: Dewey, people don't have money days.
Dewey: I do. It's really neat. There's also cookie days and pat on the head days. I don't like those so much, but before you know it, it's money day again.

Dewey: [on the phone] Yeah, Mom, he just finished digging that underground fort you wanted. I think you're going to have a lot of fun in it.
Hal: Give me that. [takes phone] Honey, don't say anything. Just listen. You were right. You're always right. From now on, I will do whatever you say, because I have been happier just mindlessly obeying you than doing what I think I want with any of my so-called friends. I love you. I miss you. Here's Dewey.
Dewey: [takes phone] Really, Mom? You want me to cut Reese's hair? But he loves his hair. Okay.
Reese: This is so unfair. [grabs scissors] Just get it over with.
Dewey: Mohawks are kind of out, Mom. What if I- [phone rings] Do you hear a strange ringing, Mom?
Reese: You are so dead! [Dewey screams]

Announcer: [dramatic accordion music plays] [over PA] Ladies and gentlemen, if you'll please turn your attention to the man with the balloon, and listen to the following heart-wrenching story.
Dewey: [takes microphone] Hello. My name is Dewey. And the man with the balloon is my father, Hal.
Hal: Dewey? Where are you?
Dewey: See, I'm the youngest of four kids, and I always get the short end of everything. I've never had a hot shower or a bed to myself. I'm the third person to wear this underwear. And yet, I've never complained.
Hal: Dewey, what is this about?!
Dewey: Even when my parents decided to have another baby. I was happy to share what little I have. And then they told me they're inducing labor. And they picked a really interesting day to do it. Do you remember what day you picked, Dad?
Hal: Dewey!
Dewey: What day did you pick, Dad? [echo]
Hal: It's Thursday. Now, just come down from wherever you are.
Dewey: Of all the days you could have picked, you chose this Thursday. Anything interesting about Thursday, Dad?
Hal: Will you stop this?
Dewey: Anything at all you can think of that might be happening this Thursday?
Hal: Okay, Dewey, what is the big deal about Thursday?
Dewey: [echoes] It's my birthday. [crowd gasps]
Hal: It is not your- [gasps] Oh, God!
Dewey: Well, ladies and gentleman, that's the story of the little boy who lost his birthday. If you have any thoughts or comments, my dad would love to hear them.

Dewey: Yeah, like Pastor Roy said. How God's so much bigger and wiser than us, and trying to see what he's thinking would be like an ant trying to see what I'm thinking.
Helen: Yes, exactly. But we can trust in His wisdom and we can have faith that He is watching over us.
Dewey: Like me with the anthill in my backyard. I spent days watching the ants, trying to figure out which ones were good and which ones were bad. But they all just looked like ants, so I started smiting all of them.
Helen: Well, that's not-
Dewey: I was smiting them with the garden hose, and with lighter fluid and with the lawn mower, and to be perfectly honest, I think I went a little crazy with the shovel. Those ants could have been praying to me all day, I wouldn't have heard them. There was nothing they could do about it.
Helen: But I don't think-
Dewey: Really, it's the same with us. There's nothing we can do about anything, either. So why worry about it? Hey, this is making me feel better.
Helen: Well, that's good, but-
Dewey: I guess all we can do is live our lives with as much kindness and decency as possible and try not to dwell on God standing over us with that giant shovel. Bye.

Dewey: This whole growing up thing's unfair. When you're born, everything's perfect, but before you know it, it all goes bad. Every day, you get a little less attention, you got to do more stuff, and they love you a little less.
Lois: No. That's just this family.

Dewey: So you're saying... I'm the only one you were ever nice to?
Francis: Pretty much. You know, you have a real opportunity here. You can break the cycle. You can be a good brother to Jamie. You can be the one kid in this family who takes care of the younger one and looks out for him.
Dewey: How is that fair?
Francis: Yeah, you're right.

[Reese is eating a bowl of chocolate ice cream and Dewey is eating a bowl of vanilla ice cream]
Reese: It's pathetic to watch Francis when he's around Mom. It's almost like he's her puppet or something.
Dewey: Yeah, it's really awful how she manipulates him. Boy, I sure love this vanilla!
[Reese takes Dewey's largely empty bowl of vanilla ice cream and swaps it for his full bowl of chocolate ice cream]
Reese: Why would anyone do something like that?
Dewey: Well, there is a certain pleasure in secretly controlling someone a lot dumber than you.