Lois: Oh, for God's sake, Malcolm. [Malcolm groans] This is the last time I'm going to tell you. Get up right now!
Malcolm: [under covers] I'll get up when the world stops being a cruel joke, which is never!
Lois: Malcolm, you smell like a locker room. This has got to stop. You've wasted your entire summer lying in bed feeling sorry for yourself. Your father thinks we sent you away to camp.
Malcolm: You're right. I'm a pathetic loser.
Lois: [sighs] Honey, this is just a phase. Every teenager goes through it. I did, your father did. Francis cried in the shower every day for six months. Reese wouldn't get out of the dryer. It's awkward and it's painful and you think it's never going to end. Now get out of bed! We're going to the zoo.
Malcolm: Why are we going to go stare at a bunch of pathetic, caged animals and fat, suburban yahoos pointing and laughing at them?
Lois: Because I have a coupon.

Gretchen: This is where you will stay. It's a guest cabin, but you can do whatever you want to make it feel homey.
Otto: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Move your furniture, put up pictures. If you want to hammer a sandwich to the wall, you can do it. So, Francis, tell me, you like horses?
Francis: I honestly have no idea.
Otto: I love horses. Their bodies are so big and their feet are so tiny, they make me laugh. [chuckles]
Piama: This is just so generous and nice of you. This place is so beautiful. I never want to leave.
Gretchen: Oh, this is what happened to Otto. We were on vacation and Otto was so happy to be away from the stress of running the factory.
Otto: Yeah, yeah, yeah. 25 iron lung machines per day, and if you make one teeny little mistake, boy, do you hear about it.

Malcolm: Let go of me. I don't want to be your baby-sitter. I just want to be by myself.
Dewey: Are you mad?
Malcolm: I'm not mad.
Dewey: You sound mad.
Malcolm: Fine, I'm mad!
Dewey: Who are you mad at?
Malcolm: I'm not mad! Look, you wouldn't understand.
Dewey: Yes, I would.
Malcolm: No, you wouldn't. You're still living in your kiddie dream world. You don't realize you're nothing but an insignificant speck of dust Lost in an uncaring universe full of random tragedy.
Dewey: What's a lemur?

Malcolm: [to camera] Ever since the zoo, I've had a new lease on life. It's amazing how something as simple as almost being eaten by tigers can put things in perspective. It just feels so good to be happy again. Of course, why do I always have to learn my lessons the hard way? No one else does. I mean, why does the universe think it has to almost kill me to get a point across? My life sucks. I'm going to bed.

Otto: So, Francis, you also come to the Circle K for the wonderful hot dogs?
Francis: Actually, we were just sort of passing through and our car broke down.
Gretchen: This is so lucky for you. This is a wonderful place. We own a dude ranch just nearby. Yeah, with cows and horses and people. We don't own the people.

Otto: We call it "The Grotto." She is Gretchen, I am Otto...
Both: Grotto.
Otto: You should come and visit, eh?
Francis: Oh, thanks, but I'm out of work and we're kind of broke right now. [walks away]
Otto: Wait! I am having a thought! Eh, it's gone.
Gretchen: He could work for us at the ranch.
Otto: That was my thought!

Malcolm: Okay, these people are idiots.
Dewey: Malcolm, it'll be okay.
Malcolm: Yeah, Dewey, I hope so, too, but-
Dewey: I'm not hoping. I know it'll be fine.
Malcolm: You can't know that.
Dewey: Yes, I can.
Malcolm: No, you can't.
Dewey: Yes, I can. I do. I know we'll be fine.
Pete: Okay, just sit tight a few more minutes. Apparently they had a similar situation in D.C., and we're trying to find out exactly what went wrong there. But the main thing is everything's going to be okay.
Dewey: See?

Dewey: Is the zoo one of the places where you have to be this tall to do the good stuff?
Reese: I don't know. I've never been there when it's open.

Malcolm: If nothing I do ever has any meaning, then I can't care about anything, which makes me feel even worse. How am I supposed to ever feel happy?
Clown: Kid, I'm a zoo clown. Now buy a giraffe or go to hell.
Malcolm: See, Dewey, there's a guy who understands.
Dewey: Malcolm, you're at the zoo. You have a Popsicle. How can you be unhappy?
Malcolm: I wanted grape.

Hal: Your engagement ring is not a family heirloom.
Lois: What?
Hal: I lied to you. I bought it.
Lois: So you bought it.
Hal: For someone else.
Lois: Someone else?
Hal: I'm sorry. I have kept that secret for so many years. It's haunted me. Look, I always knew that I had to tell you, but I didn't know how.
Lois: Who was it?
Hal: Farrah Fawcett. I was 15. I knew there were a lot of guys after her, but I thought that if I had an actual ring to give her that I would stand apart from those other idiots. [Lois smiles] I'm sorry I didn't tell you this before now.
Lois: Well, why don't we just call it even.