Dewey: He's gonna finish the whole thing! Call 911!
Hal: Dewey, what part of this looks like authorities should be involved? God, if only your grandmother wasn't so damned tasty.
Dewey: Now there's no way to feel better. Now I have to feel bad forever.
Hal: Oh, Dewey. Maybe you can try and think about it this way. Your grandmother... She is the most horrible woman who ever lived, but even she understands the difference between a life that's been lived and a life with potential. You want to pay her back? Live up to that potential. And if you think about it, you might have done her a big favor. Let's face it. Saving your life is her only chance of getting into heaven. Which isn't going to make you that popular in heaven, but we'll deal with that later.
Dewey: Okay. Hey, Dad? Is it okay if we don't keep the dog?
Hal: Yeah, that sounds fair.

Dewey: Dad, I've been thinking a lot about Grandma losing her leg. I mean, Grandma lost her leg saving my life, but she doesn't really want to talk to me, so I figure the least I can do is honor her leg. You know, pay it some decent last respects. Like maybe have a funeral for it or something.
Hal: Dewey, you just can't do that. The leg is medical waste. The hospital has to process it and do whatever they do with that stuff. How about this? Tomorrow, we go in the garage and make your grandmother a peg. You can paint it like a candy cane.
Dewey: No, I want the leg.
Hal: You can't get a leg, Dewey. That's just not going to happen.
[cut to:]
Dewey: [on the phone] Hello, Pathology? Yes, this is Judy Green from Dr. Weiss' office. I'm calling about the chop-and-drop he did Thursday on the old lady. Listen, Dr. Weiss thinks he may have left his wedding ring in that leg. He was pretty hammered. Yeah, again. So anyway, we need to get that leg out of there before the lawyers come around and do their Monday-morning quarterbacking. You know what, instead of the usual place, just send it to my house. I'll give you the address.

Francis: Wait, who's that little girl with you and Grandpa?
Lois: Oh, Mom, don't you want to watch the news?
Ida: Who's that little girl? That's you, you big sissy! This was the time your mother sent you to live with us.
Francis: What?
Lois: Come on. It wasn't "to live" with you.
Ida: It was six months. It felt like forever. We put you in a dress because you wouldn't pee like a boy.
Francis: I don't remember any of this!
Ida: And you never paid me for the food he ate. Oh, God, what whining; "I want my Mommy. Where's my family, Ooh, you're scaring me!" Blah, blah, blah.

Lois: I have to tell you something.
Francis: What?
Lois: I wasn't a good enough mother to you and I'm sorry. I shouldn't have left you with her, and I shouldn't have sent you to military school. I got overwhelmed and I took things out on you that weren't your fault. They were my fault, and I'm sorry.
Francis: But?
Lois: But nothing. I'd like to think I was a little bit better with the other boys, but that's just further proof that you got a terrible deal.
Ida: Yes, boo-hoo for the boy with two legs.
Lois: You deserved a mother who was more patient and more caring, and it breaks my heart that you didn't get that mother.
Francis: Thank you. Wow. Wow. Wow. I've just waited so many years to hear you say that. Why don't I feel better?
Lois: What do you mean?
Francis: I mean, I actually had fantasies where you said that, pretty much word-for-word. It's spooky how close it is, but it's not helping. Why didn't it help?!

Malcolm: [to camera] Grandma's visiting again. Sometimes she can't spread enough misery with just a phone call. She must have felt a vibration of happiness at the edge of her web and came scurrying down just to crush it. The worst thing is how it affects Mom. [to Lois] Mom, I took 20 bucks from your purse. I'm never going to pay it back.
Lois: I don't care who started it, you and your brother work it out.
Malcolm: [to camera] See? It's sad.

Lois: For God sakes, you both have such huge reservoirs of hate, you're telling me there's no overlap? What about boy bands? Mom, you hate boy bands, right?
Ida: They're making a living, give them a break.
Francis: You see?
Lois: You're not getting out of this so easily. You stay here and you figure it out right now.
Francis: Hey, Ida, don't you hate how bossy my mom is?
Ida: Oh God, she's awful. Always ordering me around, making me jump through hoops for her like every day is her birthday.
Francis: And God forbid you forget her birthday. Then it's martyr time for the next five weeks.
Ida: And for what? Everyone knows it's a made-up holiday anyway. And those stupid cards? Money in the garbage.
Francis: Oh, God yes! What a scam. It's like, "La-la, I'm old, so here's a stupid cartoon with boobs on it."
Ida: Exactly. [shifts over to let Francis sit down on the couch] No one really remembers the day they had their child. They pretend they do to feel important.

Dewey: We are gathered here today to pay tribute to... a leg. A leg that saved me. But also kicked me, and stomped on my toes a lot. But that wasn't your idea. Anyway, uh... I'm sorry. I just thought once I had the hole and the severed leg in front of me the words would come naturally. [Hal pulls up] Dad, what are you doing home?
Hal: Dewey, I know you need your time alone, but I did something I think is gonna make you feel a lot better.
Dewey: Actually, I'm kind of busy right now.
Hal: I kept thinking, "There must be some way I can help take little Dewey's mind off all this". "There must be some way I can put the fun back in his life." [a dog with a ribbon on its head runs into the yard] Of course, your mom is probably going to hit the roof when she finds out, but you just let me handle that, huh? [the dog runs over the hole Dewey has dug up]
Dewey: Dad, what are you talking about?
Hal: I'm talking about a lovable furry playmate who you can spend years with, frolicking and... Oh, my God! What the hell is he eating?
Dewey: What is who eating?
Hal: Your dog! You have him for two seconds and this is what happens?!
Dewey: I didn't ask for a dog! Who brings a dog to a leg funeral?!
Hal: A leg funeral?! Dewey, after I said...?
Dewey: You didn't say not to, you just said I wouldn't be able to!
[The dog runs into the house's crawl space with Ida's leg]

Lois: You want me to say something else?
Francis: No, no, I mean, you said everything! Anything else would just be fake. I mean, that was like the perfect thing, and I am still filled with all this resentment. Oh, my God, this sucks! That was, like, the one thing I was living for and it's just not working at all!
Ida: Can you take the soap opera outside? I want to watch the whore that gives the weather.
Lois: Mother, please! [to Francis] Honey, just try to breathe.
Francis: No! You can't just have your life dream stripped away from you and be okay about it!
Lois: Do you want a cold washcloth?
Francis: I don't think so. I don't know. I don't know what I want.
Lois: Do you want me to give you some money?
Francis: How much money?
Lois: I have $200. I only need $30 for the bus.
Francis: Okay.
Lois: Here.
Francis: And the Tic Tacs.
Lois: Okay, honey, just remember that I love you. In my own imperfect, bad mothering way, I do love you.
Francis: I love you, too.

Malcolm: Dad, chili for breakfast?
Hal: Hey, Jamie ate two bowls and you don't hear him complaining.
Reese: Why isn't Mom back from Grandma's yet?
Hal: For God's sakes, Reese, your grandmother lost a leg. Show a little compassion for your mother who's stuck there taking care of that miserable hag. She'll be back when she gets back. And don't take this out on me. I'm not the one who walked into the street. But no one's blaming you for this, Dewey.
Dewey: Dad, I already feel awful about it.
Hal: Which is exactly what I'm telling you not to do. You need to stay positive. Think about how good you'll feel next time when you remember to look both ways.

Dewey: Well, I wonder which nightmare I'm going to have tonight. "The Forest of Severed Legs" or "Drowning in Grandma's Blood"? Well, good night.