Lois: Why are you pacing?
Hal: Let me ask you something, Lois. What would you do if, hypothetically, through a series of unforeseeable circumstances, you found yourself commanding an army of benevolent strongmen?
Lois: What?
Hal: Picture it. A dozen guys, any one of them can rip a horse in half, willing to follow your every command. Well, you'd have to do something really great with that. Something noble and unselfish, but not too expensive. And we are not even taking into account that I could easily be led to the dark side. Lois, you have to promise me, if you ever see me holding a cat and laughing maniacally over a globe, you need to let me know.

Hal: [on the phone] Yes, he does have a better head of hair... No, I have no idea what he would like as a "welcome to the firm" gift. Okay. Good-bye. [hangs up]
Lois: Oh... Don't worry about it.
Hal: There's got to be something I can get a job at. There's got to be a big turnover in test pilots. Or advertising. I could do advertising!
Lois: Hal, you have no experience in advertising.
Hal: I'm a natural. Little jingles are constantly popping into my head. [sings] Oh, wham, bam, thank you, jam Who's gonna love it? Your family am! [sings] Banana skin It's so nice and thin There's no better way to keep your banana in.
Lois: Hal...
Hal: [sings] Newspaper, keeping track Of your neighborhood raper...

Lois: Good night, honey. I made you a turkey and cream cheese sandwich for school tomorrow. [closes door]
Malcolm: What are you trying to do?
Reese: Mom hasn't made you do any of the crap she's made us do. Why is she being so nice to you?
Dewey: Because, for the last three days, I haven't done anything wrong. You see, Mom doesn't yell and scream at us because it's the only way she knows how to talk. She does it because we do stuff that's bad. And, if you don't do anything, she doesn't get mad at you. You understand? It's not her. It's us.
Malcolm: Fine. Don't tell us.

Malcolm: We've lost Dewey. It's the only possible explanation. He's turned on us, and he's feeding Mom information.
Reese: This is bad. Real bad.
Malcolm: I know. What does he have on you?
Reese: Oh, man, I have all kinds of things going on he might know about. I have my lost-dog scam, the rat-baby farm, the electrified mailbox I'm noodling with...

Dewey: When you're finished watering your men, can I ask you something?
Hal: Well, go ahead, son. What is it?
Dewey: I've got this decision to make. There's a lot of people depending on me, and I'm not sure what to do.
Hal: That's the part of leadership no one talks about, son. You think it's going to be all parades and strongmen carrying you around on one of those fancy sultan doodads, but what they don't tell you about is the crushing responsibility, men who expect nothing in return but a... an able general who could lead them to victory. And, instead, you break their hearts. Men! I've been wasting your time. You deserve better than me. I've let you down.
All: No.
Bodybuilder #1: You didn't let us down. We let you down. You're the smartest man in the world, and we let you down. It's all our fault! [punches tree] Uhh! We're weak. Weak! [punches tree] Uhh! Weak little girls! [punches tree]
[Chad falls out of the tree]
Bodybuilder #1: Does this mean I'm a daddy?

Hal: Where the hell are my glasses? I've been looking for... Where are they?! Are you sure you haven't seen them?
[Hal's glasses are on his head]
Reese: No.
Malcolm: Sorry, Dad.
Hal: They gotta be around here somewhere!
Malcolm: [to camera] He's been looking for those glasses for 2 1/2 hours. He's totally shattered his old record.
Hal: Agh! This is ridiculous. They couldn't just disappear. Maybe they're in the car. Where the hell are my keys?! [groans]

Lois: Hal!
Hal: I'm sorry, Lois. I just feel so useless, sitting around the house all day doing nothing.
Lois: Well, then how about taking Jamie to the park? You never get to do that.
Hal: Yeah, you're right. I should enjoy him before he's old enough to be ashamed of me.

Malcolm: Come on, Dewey. This is gonna be great. You've seen fireworks before, and you've seen movies, but you've never seen them together at the same time.
Reese: Let's get moving. I want to pay matinee prices.
Dewey: I don't feel like it. Go without me.
Malcolm: Come on. We're trying to do something nice here, and reach out to you as a brother.
Reese: Yeah, you don't have to worry. We're not setting you up. [quietly] Are we?
Malcolm: No.

Hal: Bye, hon. I'm off to the park.
Lois: Wow. Three days in a row.
Hal: Yeah. You know what? It's great. It's given me a whole new outlook on things.
Lois: And I'm sure Jamie's loving it.
Hal: Oh, yeah. Jamie.
[Hal opens the stroller to reveal two bottles of baby oil and no toddler]
Hal: We've only got two bottles of baby oil left. I'll pick up a case this afternoon.

Malcolm: I think two of my fingers fused together.
Lois: Great. That leaves eight for me to punish to the bone. Now get moving. And you better not be late for school. You hear me? And I want you home at 3:00. Your homework better be finished or, I swear to God, I'll set some fireworks in a place a lot darker than a movie theater!