Malcolm: Check it out. This is my homework. I've spent every night this year cramming my skull full of integral calculus and conversational Latin. I just needed one class that wasn't going to kill me. And then I saw it Music Appreciation. It's an actual class. All I have to do is listen to a CD and write down how it makes me feel. It's such an easy "A."
Reese: No matter how easy an "A" is, a "D" is always easier, Malcolm.

Malcolm: "F"?! I can't believe that goateed moron gave me an "F." "You obviously didn't even listen to the piece.
" I listened to it. You saw me.
Reese: You know, with the right kind of pen, you can turn that "F" into a "P."

Malcolm: I have a favor to ask. I'm taking Music Appreciation, but I'm not doing so well. I have to get an "A" in this class. I know you know about this stuff, so I'm willing to pay you ten bucks an hour to teach me until I get it right, okay?
Dewey: [laughs] "The Adagio for Organ and Strings" makes you happy?
Malcolm: Are you going to help me or not?
Dewey: So let me get this straight. You, the brilliant genius Malcolm, are coming to me, your little brother, for help on your homework?
Malcolm: Yes, Dewey, that's right.
Dewey: So you're a total idiot at music?
Malcolm: Yes, Dewey, it seems that way.
Dewey: Huh. That's probably why you're such a drag to be around.
Malcolm: Yes, Dewey, that's probably why I'm such a drag to be around.
Dewey: Interesting. And that must be why you're hitting yourself.
Malcolm: Is this gonna take long?
Dewey: Depends how fast you obey. And that must be why you're hitting yourself.

Lois: Oh, my God, Hal. She's lost her mind. She thinks she's back in her old village. I have to go up there.
Hal: Why?
Lois: Hal, she has one leg, she's demented. She could wander out onto a freeway.
Hal: I thought we agreed we'd take no extraordinary measures to prolong her life. [off Lois's look] Fine.

Hal: Did you get it?
Reese: Oh, yeah. Exhumed Maniac. The guy at the video store said it even creeped him out, and he's an albino.
Hal: Oh, I love scary movies. There's nothing so primal as a man coming face-to-face with what really terrifies him. We'll keep this a secret from your mother.
Reese: Got it.
Hal: There's commercials she won't let me watch.
Reese: Well, she's gone for five days, we can have a film festival.
Hal: Now, the thing about horror films is that it's always what they don't show that's scary, because nothing on the screen can ever be as truly frightening as what we imagine. [screams]
[later:]
Reese: I'm glad they shoved that guy's skin down his throat. I didn't think he'd ever stop screaming.

Lois: Mom. Oh, thank God you're all right.
Ida: What are you doing here?
Lois: Mrs. Kucheck next door told me you were down here. She also said to stop stealing her newspaper.
Ida: I told her she's free to fight me for it.
Lois: You didn't return my calls for two weeks. I was worried.
Ida: Oh, yes, so worried. You get the earrings, Susan gets the bracelet. Now go home.

Lois: What is this place?
Ida: It's wonderful. It's like being back in the village. Everyone here is from the old country. They got the right kind of pickles. They know the old songs. After 50 years in this stink hole of a country, I finally feel like I fit in.
Lois: Wow, I felt surrounded when there was just one of you.
Gorga: You going to introduce her to us or make us wait around like a pack of pigs?
Ida: Pack of pigs wouldn't leave their nail clippings on the floor for other people to step on. This is my daughter, Lois. Gorga. Ludwina. Big Kathy. Little Kathy. Marica. Floransa. Anca. And Mushka.
Big Kathy: Is this the fat daughter or the one who drinks?
Ida: This is the one with the half-wit factory between her legs.

Malcolm: Hey, Dad.
Hal: [screams] What do you want?! [holds up knife]
Malcolm: I wanted to trade my Fruit Roll-Up for a strawberry one?
Hal: Sorry, son. Of course you can. But ask for it like a man. Don't go creeping around the kitchen.
Malcolm: I'll just come back later. You seem busy.

Reese: Hey, Dad. Check out tonight's movie. They Peeled My Face. The director went to jail for using real corpses.
Hal: Listen, Reese, I wanted to talk about movie night.
Reese: Really? I wasn't going to say anything 'cause it's so gay to talk about feelings, but I used to feel bad that we don't spend any time together. And now I find out that the one thing I like the most, that everyone else thinks is creepy, my dad likes it, too. How great is that?
Hal: Really great.

Lois: Does it have to be so hot? It's, like, 95 degrees in here.
Gorga: Yes, we'll turn on the air-conditioning and let the tart collapse so you can live like a movie star.
Marica: Let's see how you did.
Lois: No, it's not done yet. I was nine hours into it when you made me start over because the almonds weren't facing Vadutz.
Gorga: You made vomit.
Ida: The Saint killed our enemies, then went to hell to ask Jesus to increase the severity of their punishment, and you reward him with vomit?
Marica: You might as well wipe yourself with the beard of the Most Holy Patriarch.
Lois: Why is my tart vomit?
Ida: Stop your temper tantrum!
Gorga: Look here. The 15th layer you put apricots. Is that correct?
Ida: The Saint didn't slaughter the peacemakers on the 15th. He waited till the 16th when they trusted him.
Lois: This thing has, like, 35 layers. Who's gonna know where the apricots are?
Gorga: So if you steal and no one knows, that makes it okay?
Ida: I taught her better than that, till my arm was going to fall off.
Gorga: She has to start over.
Lois: What? This is ridiculous. [the ladies stub their cigarettes out in Lois's tart]
Gorga: Don't blame yourself, Ida.
Ida: She was born rotten. That's why the goat refused to breast-feed her.
Lois: Can I at least have a rag to tie around my head to keep the sweat out of my eyes?
Gorga: Yes, Your Majesty.