Dewey: Six, seven, eight, nine, ten. I win. Wow, I smoked you again, Dad. Looks like I'm just better at Life than you.
Hal: Good for you, Dewey. But I hope you know that this isn't how things work in the real world. It's very oversimplified.
Dewey: Hmm.
Hal: I mean, you can't just break into a zoo, roll a couple of elevens and suddenly become the dean of a university.
Dewey: I did.
Hal: Son, I'm just trying to give you a life lesson here.
Dewey: Yet that's my orange limo sitting at the finish line, isn't it? Interesting.
Hal: [pretends to read card] "Dewey goes straight to bed with no dessert." Interesting.

Reese: Hey. What am I thinking right now?
Malcolm: I'm smart. I'm not psychic.
Dewey: Can you understand what dogs are saying?
Malcolm: No.
Dewey: I can.

Dewey: And then the monster started growling, so I threw rocks at him and killed him. And then he started flying around on rocket boots, and I got to ride inside his head, and now the monster's my friend, and we went to get Slurpees.
Reese: You did not. You're just lying.
Hal: Reese, if that's what Dewey says happened, there's no reason to argue about it.
Reese: No one believes I beat the last level of Mortal Kombat.
Hal: Because that's just ridiculous. No one beats Sub-Zero.

Francis: [on the phone] How did she die?
Dewey: Cats ate her face.
Francis: Dewey, I think you're confused. I'm asking about Aunt Helen.
Dewey: Cats ate her face.
Francis: Could you please put Mom or Dad on the phone.
Hal: [takes phone] Hello?
Francis: Dad, what happened to Aunt Helen?
Hal: Cats ate her face. Well, here, Dewey knows more about it than I do.

Dewey: Can I watch TV?
Mrs. White: No.
Dewey: Can I play video games?
Mrs. White: No.
Dewey: What can I do?
Mrs. White: Something quiet.
[Dewey sits on the floor and rolls a small, plastic car across the coffee table]
Mrs. White: Quieter.
[Dewey holds the car in the air and hops it across the table]

Dewey: And then, I was playing with my imaginary friend and Reese hit me because he said I shouldn't talk to myself.
Mrs. White: Well, Reese is a horrid little boy. I mean, there's nothing wrong with having an imaginary friend. I talk to my Harold all the time.
Dewey: You do?
Mrs. White: Of course. He's here right now.
Dewey: Would he like a cookie?
Mrs. White: Sure. [Dewey offers a cookie to his left] No, no, no. He's over there.

Dewey: And then the ambulance came, but there was this balloon. And then I was chasing it. And then I didn't know where I was. And then I chased a bag. And then I really didn't know where I was. Then I saw you, and I thought maybe you could help me. [Dewey is talking to a scarecrow] Because you've helped that other girl, the one in the movie. So if you could just come to life and help me, I'd really appreciate it. [silence] Thanks anyway.

Malcolm: [to camera] This has been going on for days. I can't believe everybody fell for Josh's stupid lie. Maybe if I just ignore it for a while, it'll go away. People have short memories, right?
Dewey: [jumps rope and sings] Late at night, when you're sleeping That's when Malcolm Comes a-peeping You better watch out You better beware Or Malcolm will see your underwear.
Malcolm: What are you doing? Where did you learn that?
Dewey: At school. [jumps rope and sings] One, two, three, four Malcolm's at your bedroom door Five, six, seven...

Pizza Guy: That's $11.50.
Dewey: I gave all my cash to the video guy. Do you take credit cards?
Pizza Guy: Yeah.
Dewey: Is one enough?
Pizza Guy: Better make that two.
Dewey: Thank you.

Reese: What did you hear?
Dewey: Everything. I want to go to the fair.
Malcolm: No, Dewey. You're too young.
Dewey: Take me or I'll tell Mom.
Reese: If you do, I'll just stomp the crap out of you.
Dewey: Go ahead. I'm still telling.
Malcolm: Dewey, you're not going and you're not telling. If you blab to Mom, we'll take every pet you ever get and set it free.
Reese: We'll destroy every toy, every game, everything you ever love.
Dewey: Do what you have to.