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Baby: Part 1

‘Baby: Part 1’

Season 4, Episode 20 - Aired May 11, 2003

As Lois counts down the days until her due date, Ida (Cloris Leachman) turns up and announces she's moving in with the family. Meanwhile. Hal takes the boys to a bridal festival.

Quote from Dewey

Announcer: [dramatic accordion music plays] [over PA] Ladies and gentlemen, if you'll please turn your attention to the man with the balloon, and listen to the following heart-wrenching story.
Dewey: [takes microphone] Hello. My name is Dewey. And the man with the balloon is my father, Hal.
Hal: Dewey? Where are you?
Dewey: See, I'm the youngest of four kids, and I always get the short end of everything. I've never had a hot shower or a bed to myself. I'm the third person to wear this underwear. And yet, I've never complained.
Hal: Dewey, what is this about?!
Dewey: Even when my parents decided to have another baby. I was happy to share what little I have. And then they told me they're inducing labor. And they picked a really interesting day to do it. Do you remember what day you picked, Dad?
Hal: Dewey!
Dewey: What day did you pick, Dad? [echo]
Hal: It's Thursday. Now, just come down from wherever you are.
Dewey: Of all the days you could have picked, you chose this Thursday. Anything interesting about Thursday, Dad?
Hal: Will you stop this?
Dewey: Anything at all you can think of that might be happening this Thursday?
Hal: Okay, Dewey, what is the big deal about Thursday?
Dewey: [echoes] It's my birthday. [crowd gasps]
Hal: It is not your- [gasps] Oh, God!
Dewey: Well, ladies and gentleman, that's the story of the little boy who lost his birthday. If you have any thoughts or comments, my dad would love to hear them.


Quote from Francis

Piama: I know it's your fifth child, but still, you must be a little excited.
Lois: Well, sure, every child is exciting. Not that you want to rush into something like that. Oh! Wow.
Francis: You okay?
Lois: The baby just started kicking like crazy. It's almost like something was upsetting... [Ida stands at the window] Mom!
Ida: Are you going to open the door or should I lie down in the grass and feed the worms?
Francis: Oh, great. Who opened the gates of hell?

Quote from Abe

Ida: Four pillows on one bed. This is why you can't feed your children. [choking gurgle]
Lois: Oh, hi, Mom. I'd like you to meet some of our friends. This is Brian and this is Abe.
Brian: Nice to meet you, ma'am. If you'll excuse me. I need to use your toilet.
Lois: I've been telling Abe all about you.
Abe: Welcome... to da hood... yo, yo. Gettin' all jiggly with it. Representin'. Uh... uh... Can't touch this.
Francis: Abe?
Abe: Huh?
Francis: [whispers] Chill.

Quote from Ida

Lois: What do you mean, "no"? You don't have any choice.
Ida: What are you going to do? Pick me up and throw me out? Are you going to toss an old woman out into the street? In front of your neighbors?
Francis: Sounds good to me. [picks up Ida]
Ida: Whoa!
Francis: You brought this on yourself, you old monster. You have no idea how good this makes me...
[Francis yelps as Ida grabs his crotch. Francis whimpers as he lowers Ida back down to the floor.]

Quote from Ida

Lois: Mother, we can't afford to put you up here.
Ida: You can afford a maid.
Piama: I'm not the maid, Ida. My name is Piama. I'm married to Francis.
Ida: Tell the help not to talk to me.

Quote from Francis

Francis: There has to be some way to get rid of her.
Ida: Well, we know she doesn't burn.
Lois: Let's just face it. We're stuck with her.
Francis: You can't give up. You can totally do this.
Lois: I'm sorry. I just don't know what to do. She's too powerful.
Francis: Every monster has its weakness. Frankenstein has fire. Dracula, the cross. There has to be something that Grandma's afraid of.

Quote from Lois

Abe: So, what would you like me to do for you?
Lois: Well, it's, uh... [laughs] It's kind of hard to say, Abe, um... It- It has to do with my mother.
Abe: Oh, I know about mothers. Every time mine comes over to Sunday dinner, she always brings that pecan pie with real whipped cream. And she knows that's my one weakness.
Francis: Our grandma's kind of like that. Except she's a wrinkled sack of hatred kept alive only by the will to destroy.
Lois: We just want her out of the house, and she refuses to leave. [laughs] And I have this idea. You see, she's a horrible bigot. I mean, she's terrified of... Black people.
Abe: Oh. What do you want me to? Oh. Oh-oh, I see. B- Because I'm... Well, you want me to... Well, I-I suppose I... Really?
Piama: I'd do it, but I'm not dark enough. I just annoy her.

Quote from Piama

Lois: We're so glad Francis decided to come down for a visit. It's been so long since we've seen him. And you tagging along is an added bonus.
Piama: Well, making you happy makes me happy.

Quote from Hal

Lois: You know, I don't think that nursery would ever get done without Francis' help. Hal has this thing about heights.
Hal: [one rung up a ladder] I can't reach it.
Francis: Dad, you have to come up another rung.
Hal: [whimpers] My ears are popping!

Quote from Lloyd

Lloyd: So my doctor said I only have to wear these special shoes for two more years. Then I'm down to nights and weekends. Great Scott! You got a letter from Martindale Academy.
Malcolm: What's Martindale Academy?
Lloyd: It's the greatest, most advanced private school in existence. Do you know how many millions they've spent to make sure you've never heard about it?
Malcolm: It says I've been accepted. I didn't even apply.
Lloyd: No one applies. They find you. This is unbelievable. Malcolm, you're going to the show. You're set for life! Wait, what am I thinking? You can't go. You're too poor. You're like the poorest guy I know. Oh, I'm such a jerk! Here I am, describing this nirvana you'll never be able to experience. Holding out this hope of power and success to a guy in a three-dollar shirt. I mean, look at this hovel!
Malcolm: Lloyd, you have to stop talking.
Lloyd: It's okay to cry, Malcolm. Tears are free.

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