406. Forbidden Girlfriend
Aired December 15, 2002
Malcolm starts dating a girl he is tutoring. Hal and Lois find themselves surprisingly productive when they can't have sex for a week. Meanwhile, Reese can't understand why Dewey is getting money for doing chores for their neighbors.
Quote from Dewey
Man: Young man, nice job with those weeds yesterday. Is five dollars okay?
Dewey: Okay. Thank you.
Reese: No way, you didn't pull any weeds yesterday.
Dewey: I know.
Reese: What's going on?
Dewey: It's money day.
Reese: Money day?
Dewey: Yeah. I don't know why, but it's been happening a lot lately.
Reese: Dewey, people don't have money days.
Dewey: I do. It's really neat. There's also cookie days and pat on the head days. I don't like those so much, but before you know it, it's money day again.
Quote from Otto
Francis: Otto, this is nuts.
Otto: You will see you are not dealing with a fool. That fence is going up twice as high!
Merl: We'll just tear it back down again.
Otto: Then we will build another fence 50ft high.
Merl: Every time you build it up, we'll tear it down.
Otto: Every time you tear it down, we will build it up!
Francis: Um, did it ever occur to anyone to put in a gate?
Merl: A gate?
Otto: Hmm. A gate would work.
Quote from Reese
Reese: His name is Billy Prescott. I followed him home. He lives, like, a mile away from here. He looks exactly like you.
Dewey: You're lying.
Reese: Am I? It's common knowledge, Dewey, that every person on this planet has an evil twin.
Dewey: He's my evil twin?
Reese: Fat chance. The guy's a saint. You're his evil twin.
Dewey: But I don't want to be an evil twin.
Reese: I don't make the rules, Dewey. Besides, we've been given a golden opportunity here.
Dewey: To do what?
Reese: I don't know yet, but there's money and an evil twin. If we can't figure out how to make this pay off, there is something deeply wrong with us. Come on, let's go watch some soap operas.
Quote from Gretchen
Otto: What do you think you are doing?
Merl: We have a real ranch to run, and our cattle need water.
Otto: We need that fence. I will not allow you to kill our horses.
Merl: Well, I'm not going to allow you to kill our cattle!
Otto: Enough talk. Gretchen, my gun!
Gretchen: Which one? Ooh, what am I saying? The Luger, hmm?
Quote from Hal
Lois: Boys will be home in ten minutes.
Hal: I'm willing to accept that challenge.
Lois: No, Hal. I just went to the doctor. I have a low-grade infection. I have to take antibiotics. And we can't have sex for a week.
Lois: Not until I finish these.
Hal: Okay, okay, let's try to look at this rationally. What would happen if you took them all at once?
Lois: No, Hal.
Hal: Or- Or what if we alternated?One day off, one day on. I'm not a medical doctor, but I think it would be a lot less of a shock to your system.
Lois: A week, Hal. No sex for a week.
Hal: Wow! [whimpering] All right, I'm fine. I'll just uh... I'll go mow the lawn. Do we still have that mower?
Hal: Oh, right.
Quote from Francis
Francis: Look, just because it's a dude ranch doesn't mean I don't bust my ass the same as you. [cell phone rings]
Man: Hey, cowboy, your fanny pack's ringing.
Francis: [answers phone] [gruffly] Talk to me. [quietly] The lavender soap should be next to the potpourri. Well, did you check with housekeeping?
Quote from Hal
Hal: Hey, morning, Reese. How's it going?
Reese: What are you doing up?
Hal: Well, I was just lying in bed this morning staring at the ceiling, and I thought, "Why don't I paint the kitchen cabinets?" Oh, I made crepes.
Hal: Uh-huh. Come on, sit down. Look, I've got strawberries, bananas, peaches, drawn butter, maple syrup, you name it. Dig in.
Lois: Hey, honey, where have you been?
Reese: I was up at 4:00 scouring the grout in the shower, and I thought, "The flower market is open this early.
Why not drive downtown and buy us some fresh-cut flowers?"
Hal: They're beautiful! Crepes?
Lois: Can't, got to make the boys' lunches.
Hal: I've already made them lunch.
Lois: Oh, well, double lunches. [Hal laughs]
Quote from Otto
Otto: Four times we have to put up this fence! Do they think we are not serious?
Francis: Maybe you should talk to them.
Otto: Talk to those idiots? No! Do they think creating wholesome entertainment for families is for sissies? There's arts and crafts, there's nature hikes, there's costume parties. Let them try to keep track of what is what on Opposites Day. Ooh, they will pay for this.
Gretchen: Woo-hoo! Lunchtime.
Otto: Oh, Gretchen, I did not mean for you to see me in my fury.
Gretchen: Otto, I love your fury. Isn't Otto's fury magnificent, Francis?
Francis: I try not to look at his... fury.
Otto: If they tear this one down, we will make them suffer as they have never suffered.
Francis: Or, we might consider trying to reach a compromise.
Otto: Do I look French to you? No! If it is a range war they want, then by gosh, they will get one. They do not know what they are up against.
Quote from Reese
Reese: Wait a minute. Why are you giving him five bucks?
Man: Why? This young man cleaned out my gutters, he sorted my recyclables, and I didn't even ask him to. You couldn't find a nicer kid. I wish I could give him more.
Dewey: Don't worry about it.
Reese: [to himself] It can't be money day. There is no money day. I would know about it if there was a money day. Unless maybe Mom and Dad don't want me knowing about money day.
[A short blond-haired boy rakes leaves on the lawn behind Reese]
Billy: Excuse me.
Reese: Beat it, kid, I'm trying to figure something out.
Billy: Okay. Sorry. I'll just rake around you.
Quote from Hal
Hal: Hey, honey. Oh, I had a great day. You know, I was working through lunch, And Mr. Collins came by and he started asking me about what I was doing I think I'm getting a raise!
Lois: Hal, that's wonderful. I had a good day myself. After I finished washing the windows and stripping the floors, I went over our tax returns for the last seven years. We overpaid in '99.
Hal: You're kidding.
Lois: $800. The IRS is sending us a check.
Hal: Wow! Honey, great job! You know, I got to tell you, I think... [Lois takes an antibiotic] Is that the last one?
Hal: So we can...
Lois: I guess so.