Dabney: You know... Reese's embarrassing defeat could have serious consequences for us all. He'll be working extra hard to prove he's still on top of the food chain.
Lloyd: You're saying we could actually have a meaner, more vicious Reese on our hands?
Dabney: It's very possible. We can't avoid the beatings, but I suggest that, as a wedgie deterrent, we go without underwear for the next several days.

Dabney: Do we all want a direct, continuous linear relation between the rotary actuator and the robot's translational displacement or am I just some kind of crazy dreamer?

Malcolm: So the only reason those jerks have been putting up with me is because they're afraid of my brother?
Dabney: Actually, we're a bit tired of your act, too.
Malcolm: Those guys are nuts. I'm funny. Aren't I funny?
Lloyd: To be honest, you can be a little caustic.
Stevie: The word... is arrogant.
Dabney: How about bitter, sarcastic and handsome? ... [pretends to look at a girl] Hey, she's cute.

Malcolm: You have to shoot. You have to do this.
Dabney: Mom was right. I could be home watching Dark Victory right now.
Malcolm: You have to fight back! Just pull the trigger!
Dabney: But there could be adverse consequences.
Malcolm: That is your mother talking! Just shoot it! If you want to be any kind of man, shoot it now.
[After Dabney shoots the paint gun up in the air, the pellet ricochets off the ceiling and hits a big kid]
Stevie: [gasps] Haul ass!
[Dabney starts firing directly at the big kid]
Dabney: Brush your own damn hair!
[Dabney knocks the big kid out with his helmet and proceeds to shoot at him as he lays on the ground]
Dabney: [vicious yell] [rapid popping] Get your own damn towel! [yells] Aaah! One hundred, ninety-nine, ninety-eight, ninety-seven...
Stevie: I call... Dabney's team.

Dorene Hooper: Where's my boy?! What have you done with my poor, delicate boy?!
[A sweaty Dabney walks out wearing a bandana across his head and a bandolier of paint pellets across his chest while holding his paintball gun]
Dorene Hooper: Oh, my God! [to Malcolm] This is your fault, you evil little Svengali! I knew I shouldn't let Dabney have any friends! Now, Dabney, where-
Dabney: Get the car. We're going home.
Dorene Hooper: Dabney, you've never spoken to me like this before.
Dabney: Well, get used to it. I'm not your little boy anymore, Mom. [puts glasses on] I'm your little man.
Dorene Hooper: Oh, my. Oh. Oh, Dabney. Oh!

Dabney: [looks through microscope] Wait. Wait. Here it comes. Yes, there! I've arrested the cellular mitosis!
Caroline: Thank you, Dabney. [claps] That was riveting.

Meghan: So, our school needs a kid about your age to be in our school play. It'll be a lot of fun. The play is by a guy named William Shakespeare. He was a writer way back in the olden times.
Dabney: He was a syphilitic drunk fronting for the 14th Earl of Oxford.
Lloyd: Why can't you leave the Bard alone? So he didn't have the benefit of higher education. How many PhDs have written King Lear?

Lloyd: Reese, you've got to help us.
Reese: What?
Lloyd: Your absence as a bully has created a power vacuum. Now the school is filled with rogue thugs carving out random spheres of influence. I've been hit up for my lunch money twice today.
Dabney: I've been hit up three times, and when I didn't have anything, they took my shirt!
Lloyd: They took my shoes! My shoes!
Reese: But what am I supposed to do about it?
Dabney: We need you back.
Reese: What do you mean? I was a jerk.
Lloyd: Yes, but you were the alpha jerk.
Dabney: Reese, without you, it's anarchy! Look around you.

Reese: What am I going to do? I can't get put in the remedial class. They walk to the cafeteria holding each other's belts.
Malcolm: Unless... maybe Lloyd's right. Maybe someone should take the test for you.
Reese: You mean cheat? We can't cheat. Mom will kill us. And it's wrong. But more importantly, Mom would kill us!
Malcolm: Hey, we're out of options here, Reese.
Dabney: You're going to get caught.
Malcolm: No, we're not. And you know why? Because we have four brilliant minds here to help plan this out.
Lloyd: You had to appeal to my vanity, didn't you?
Stevie: I'm in.
Dabney: I'm sorry, but I am honor-bound to report this conversation to the vice-principal.
Lloyd: Then we're honor-bound to report you still sleep with an Elmo blankie.
Dabney: Okay, I'm in.

Lloyd: A masterful "B," Malcolm. I could never dumb myself down like this. I find this "F" very troubling.
Stevie: Something... stinks.
Dabney: He knows we cheated! We're going to have to start cutting separate deals.