114. The Bots and the Bees
Aired May 7, 2000
Lois visits Francis in military school after he has an emergency appendectomy. Meanwhile, Malcolm wants to build a killer robot with his Krelboyne classmates, and Hal starts to struggle without Lois at home.
Quote from Lois
Lois: Who are you?
Spangler: Edwin Spangler. I am commandant of Marlin Academy.
Lois: Good for you. Where's your eye?
Lois: Do your ears work? Do you have some business with my son? He needs to rest.
Spangler: Well, I stopped by to pick up your boy's homework.
Lois: Homework?! [chuckles] You're not giving him homework. My son nearly lost his life. Something that never would've happened if you'd taken proper care of him in the first place.
Spangler: Well, I assure you, ma'am, had it not been for Francis' long history of crying wolf-
Lois: Crying wolf? You listen to me, you idiot! My child is sick. He does not need you marching in here, puffing up your little chest and making his life more miserable than it already is. Why don't you just go play army man somewhere else?
Spangler: [walks away] God, she is magnificent.
Quote from Stevie
Eraserhead: We've had a vote. We're backing out of the contest.
Lloyd: Your father has commandeered this project and twisted it toward his own mad ends.
Dabney: We want our blueprints back.
Stevie: We can... do this... the easy... way... or... we can... do this... the hard...
Malcolm: Come on, my dad's in the backyard.
Quote from Spangler
Spangler: I can't apologize enough for these barbaric accommodations. You deserve so much more.
Lois: Oh, no, this is fine. Why are all the hotel rooms booked?
Spangler: The All-Alabama Gay Rodeo is in town again. Homosexuals riding horses and such. It does wonders for the local economy but you have to fight the crowds for everything. If you're interested, I have some passes.
Lois: No, thanks.
Spangler: Another time, then. Bon soir.
Quote from Craig
[As Hal opens the door, Craig pulls him in for a hug]
Craig: Be strong. Lois will get through her operation. She is a fighter.
Hal: No, no, Craig. It was Francis.
Craig: Oh, my God! Did he shoot her? I knew it! I told her to stay away from him! That boy has been nothing but trouble.
Hal: Now, Craig, uh... Lois did not have an operation. Our son Francis did. She just went down to Alabama to look after him for awhile.
Craig: Oh. Well, tell Lois I stopped by.
Quote from Dabney
Dabney: Do we all want a direct, continuous linear relation between the rotary actuator and the robot's translational displacement or am I just some kind of crazy dreamer?
Quote from Hal
Hal: What's this stuff? [Krelboynes gasp]
Malcolm: We were just sort of fooling around with some ideas.
Hal: Let's have a look. Well... I'd go with the flame thrower. That would destroy everything within a ten-foot perimeter. Of course, there's a lot to be said for that high-voltage probe.
Lloyd: Sir, before you continue, I feel I have to mention that our parents strongly disapprove of this. Sorry, my therapist says it's a compulsion.
Hal: Well, I guess you shouldn't tell your parents, then. [walks off]
Dabney: Wow. Your father's lack of responsibility is both terrifying and oddly thrilling.
Quote from Hal
Malcolm: [to camera] Mom being gone was fun at first but this is getting out of control. [telephone rings] Please be Mom. Please be Mom. Please be Mom. [answers phone] Hello?
Hal: [grabs phone] Hello! [flat] Oh. Hi, Mr. Jackson. Well, yes I do have a very good reason for not going in to work today. Well, how about this? I didn't come to work because somehow I felt that eight hours of joyless, mind-numbing crap just didn't seem like fun. Well, I guess we're just going to have to agree to disagree. [hangs up and pulls phone off the wall]
Quote from Craig
Craig: Just brought by your mom's paycheck. Tell her I'm the one that brought it by.
Malcolm: Wait. We need your help. My dad's going crazy. He hasn't slept in four days. He's smoking, he's dancing around in his underwear. He's ripping phones out of the walls. You've got to stop him.
Craig: Don't worry, son. I'll handle this. [runs to the fridge]
Malcolm: What are you doing?
Craig: You don't expect me to tackle something like this on an empty stomach?
Quote from Malcolm
Malcolm: I wish we could do that.
Lloyd: We were hoping you'd say that. Here's the deal: We want to enter the competition. We've got the designs, we've got the desire and we're not distracted by any kind of social life.
Eraserhead: The only problem is that our parents would never allow us to build something that dangerous. That means we need a place with a total lack of caring adult supervision.
Malcolm: That's my house! But those things look really expensive.
Dabney: No problem. My father tries to buy my love.