Craig: Are you sure I'm not too old for Winky Dinks?
Dewey: The box says "for ages eight and up."
Craig: Well, I'm right smack-dab in the middle of that window.

Leonard: My resume.
Craig: (chuckles) Forget this. [rips up resume] You can't learn anything from a resume. So, tell me about your employment history.
Leonard: Well, I...
Craig: Interesting. You know, I like to think of Lucky Aide as a kind of family, and in this family, I'd be your father, and as a father, there might be things I might ask of you that don't make sense, but you do it because I'm your father. No sassing back, just do it. Understand?
Leonard: [quietly] Think so.
Craig: Now, who are you in this family? Are you the second cousin? Or maybe the kooky aunt?
Leonard: Well, you know, I've always kind of seen myself in the role of the younger brother. Eager to learn.
Craig: I never had a brother.

Malcolm: [to camera] Craig's been yammering nonstop for almost an hour. He even made Leonard follow him into the bathroom, but Leonard's tough.
Craig: Now, let's talk about respect. Not self-respect but respect for one's superiors. Now I remember a time... [throws orange at Leonard] Think quick! [chuckles] That's just a little management test I came up with to see whether you're the type of person who confronts problems head-on or avoids them. Which one were you?
Leonard: [quietly] Both.
Craig: Good. [Leonard follows Craig's signal to pick up the orange] And I see that you have no spine. Welcome aboard. Come back in an hour, and we'll get you a trainee vest and a name tag.

Hal: Craig, for God's sakes, I'm in a hurry. Now, I just want the Tidy Winks, okay? I don't have time for a big discussion. Now, please, will you just ring me up?
Craig: Certainly. That will be $7.98.
Hal: [struggles to find his wallet] Craig, don't make a thing out of this.
Craig: Why, whatever do you mean, Hal?
Hal: I'm sorry that I snapped at you before, but I really need these diapers. Can you loan me the money? [both chuckle]
Craig: I could loan you the money, Hal, but that would be helping you. And since you have a tendency to yell at people who try to help you, I don't think that's the wisest course of action for me to take.
Hal: Look, Lois will pay for these tomorrow when she comes in.
Craig: You can't take those! That's shoplifting!
Hal: Fine. Then I'm shoplifting. What are you going to do about it?
Craig: Vernon? [Hal gasps as he bumps up against the large security guard]

Craig: Welcome to our country, Mrs. Namhong. I hope you're enjoying your stay here. You know, I'm thinking about retiring to Cambodia. I hear you can get a hut on the beach with a wife and servants for a hundred dollars a month. The only problem is I need these special orthotics, which are very difficult to find in the tropics. My condition's called pronation, which isn't so bad by itself but when combined with hammertoes...

Craig: [to Malcolm] Thanks for taking the heat off me. I forgot my shoes again.

Craig: Of course, I'd be happy to carry your bags outside. We wouldn't want you to get all hot and sweaty out in the blaring heat of the parking lot.

Craig: Lois, Lois, I just remembered you were holding my lit cigarette in your hand, and I wanted to thank you for holding on to my cigarettes... which are mine.
Lois: He knows.
Craig: Okay. I think I left my register open.

Lois: I'm just going to stop and get Dewey's hamster cage. That squirrel is chewing through the box.
Craig: Do they really have to kill him to find out if he has rabies?
Lois: Do you want the shots?
Craig: [to the squirrel] Wait for me in heaven.

Lois: It isn't the jacket that smells. There was a fried apple pie in the pocket.
Craig: Oh, thanks, Lois.
Hal: So where are you players headed tonight?
Abe: The Rusty Scupper. Uh-oh, we better get a wiggle on, Craig. Happy Hour starts in 20 minutes and the ladies won't wait.
Craig: They'll wait for you in those new chinos.
Abe: I won't have a chance with you in your leather jacket.
Craig: Not if they get a load of your... [sobs]
Abe: Ah, ah, ah. Come on. How are you going to get on the scene?
Craig: Like a sex machine.