Craig: I think we're finally ready. I didn't want to say anything until I was sure, but I signed us up for the weekly tournament.
Hal: No, it's too soon.
Craig: Hal, you don't work this hard just to Jump Jump Dance alone in your room. Besides, someone has to teach Hayley and Kylie not to be so stuck up just because they think they're so great.
Hayley: You can't enter the tournament. You're going to look like idiots.
Hal: We're not done rehearsing. We'll be a lot better by then.
Kylie: No, you're going to look like idiots because it's a contest for kids.
Craig: It doesn't say that anywhere. I read the rules three times. And we're under the weight limit. You can call the manufacturer.

Craig: Here comes the pencil turn. I can't watch.
Lois: On any other man that would look ridiculous.
Craig: We've lost him, Lois. He belongs to everyone now.

Malcolm: "No employee may display personal items in his or her workspace." Don't worry, Mom. It only added a day to your probation.
Shirley: [removes cross] I'm sorry, God. You're against the rules here.
Craig: [rolls up "Hang in There" inspirational poster] [weeps] I don't know who I am any more.

Craig: Only six more hours until that pin comes off! The last six hours of probation are what I call 'The Danger Zone'. Your eyes are so focused on the finish line, you don't even realize your hands are stuffing your pockets full of trail mix.
Lois: Damn it, Craig. Do you believe in right and wrong?
Craig: I'm not sure I follow.
Lois: Let's just say there's something you have to do, and you've been hoping someone else would do it. But you've gradually realized you have to do it yourself, even if it breaks the rules.
Craig: Dear God, I thought I'd lost my chance years ago!
Lois: Huh?
Craig: Let's just get in the car and drive. You don't have to pack, I have clothes for you in the trunk.
Lois: Oh, for the love of God.

Craig: I need you to cover the rest of my shift for me.
Lois: Again? Craig, what's going on?
Craig: Paula wants to surprise Fred for their anniversary. He's a big golfer, so she wants to learn how, so I've been giving her lessons.
Lois: But you don't know how to golf.
Craig: True, but somehow she got the idea that I only missed the cut at the Masters by three strokes.
Lois: You lied to her?
Craig: Lois, my job here is hanging by a thread. I thought if I could help the boss's wife surprise him with a game of golf, they'd end up kissing on the 18th green, and maybe I'd be in there somewhere getting the credit for it.
Lois: Or you could just work hard at your job and then you wouldn't have to suck up.
Craig: Lois, I don't have time for your fantasies. I'm in trouble here. The first few lessons we worked on driving the cart, but now she wants to know how to swing a club. I need to take a lesson so I can bluff my way through her lessons.
Lois: Craig.
Craig: Please, Lois. I can't lose this job. This is the only true thing on my resume.

Lois: I do all this and you repay me by making me drag around fifty-pound sacks of dog food so you can sleep with the boss's wife. That's inexcusable!
Craig: I didn't plan this. It just happened. One night after inventory, we stopped in the parking lot to talk. I bent down to pick up her keys, the next thing I know, she's got me handcuffed in a shower in a motel out by the airport. She's crazy, Lois. But she makes me crazy, too.
Lois: Craig.
Craig: I'm not kidding. There is a dark, scary place inside of me that I didn't even know was there, but Paula knew it was there, and every night she takes me to that scary place and shows me some new, terrible, delicious corner of it. You're not going to rat on me, are you?
Lois: No, but you have to end this. Today!
Craig: I can't, Lois. I'm addicted. I don't even know who I am anymore! I know I've let you down, but I want to thank you for helping me anyway.
Lois: Craig, I never said I-
Craig: If that homeless guy is still in the Dumpster, just let him drink from the hose. He'll leave you alone.

Malcolm: Craig, did you do this?
Craig: Do what?
Malcolm: Those vitamins that were recalled. Did you clear off this shelf?
Craig: Doesn't sound like me. Six coats of wax, and I buttered up my socks. The record's going down.
Malcolm: You know, things have been getting really weird around here. I mean, think about it. Last night, all the clocks in the display case were synchronized to the same time. And the night before that, all the fingerprints were cleaned off the freezer doors.
Craig: Malcolm, I think you're forgetting the graveyard shift motto: "Who cares?"

Malcolm: Craig. Take a look at this.
Craig: If you don't mind, I'm trying to get in a quick nap before my break.
Malcolm: Seriously. Check out this guy. He's here, and then two hours later he's still there, only in a different outfit. And three hours later, he shows up again in another outfit. Whoa! Did you see that?!
Craig: Malcolm, please. If I don't get my 16 hours, I'm a bear.

Craig: Great. She lets that guy walk, but makes a federal case whenever I put my phone number in with the birth control pills.

Craig: Malcolm! Malcolm! Did you hear the news? They fired Sam the stilt guy! Word is he puked into the sunroof of the boss's El Dorado. This is bad, Malcolm, really bad.
Malcolm: Bad? He's been coming to work drunk for 20 years.
Craig: I meant bad for me. This means they're paying attention! Sam was my canary. Now my work has to speak for itself!