Malcolm: [to camera] Since Stevie's mom deserted him, he's been living a little more dangerously. Yesterday he read a book in dim light. Now he's making his first prank phone call.
Stevie: [on the phone] Hello... is your... refrigerator... Yeah... it's me.

Hal: So, Abe, how's the divorce going?
Abe: It's a nightmare, Hal. Kitty is out of control. She wears these outrageous miniskirts to court, flirts with the judge...
Hal: What did your lawyer do?
Abe: He asked me if she could sit at our table.
Hal: Whoa. You know, Abe, it's been a while. Maybe you should think about getting out there again.
Abe: Oh, I've taken care of that. I've decided to spend the rest of my life in misery and die alone.

Malcolm: It's not a lucky shirt.
Reese: You shouldn't criticize things you're not equipped to understand, Malcolm.
Malcolm: It's a shirt. It's just fabric. There's nothing in there but atoms.
Reese: Luck atoms.
Malcolm: There are no luck atoms.
Reese: Everyone has some kind of luck, Malcolm. Like you, you're lucky at taking tests.
Malcolm: I bust my ass to get good grades.
Dewey: Why does my lucky shirt make you so mad?
Malcolm: Because believing in that kind of nonsense isn't smart or healthy or good for society. The world doesn't work by magic or superstition. It's rational.
Dewey: Maybe you believe that because all you're good at is thinking, and if the world isn't logical then you're lost.
Malcolm: Okay, fine. You know what, Dewey, luck this.
[When Malcolm throws a baseball at Dewey, it hits and the wall and bounces back into his own nether regions. ]
Malcolm: [gasps] This... proves nothing.

Abe: Oh, my God. That woman fell out of the sexy tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Hal: Abe, you dog. Why don't you ask her out?
Abe: Oh, no, no, no, I couldn't. To be honest, I didn't even ask Kitty out. My dad asked her dad, and we gave her family a ham.

Polly: Thanks so much for inviting me. I really needed something to take my mind off of my love life.
Hal: Well, that's why God invented baseball. And war.

Malcolm: What are you doing?
Reese: Playing with ants. [holds magnifying glass above ants] Looking for a little picnic, huh? Looks like you've come to the wrong place.
Malcolm: There's one on your hand.
Reese: Ha, ha... [holds magnifying glass above hand] He's got a little surprise coming. Stupid ant.

Dewey: It's not in there either. I can't find my lucky shirt.
Malcolm: Your what?
Dewey: My lucky shirt. The shirt that gives me good luck. I wear it and I'm lucky.
Malcolm: Lucky shirt. You ever hear anything so stupid?
Stevie: You're asking me... about luck?
Dewey: Here it is! That's better. I don't know what I would've done without my lucky shirt.
Malcolm: It's not a lucky shirt.
Dewey: Hey, look. An M&M. [eats candy from the floor]

Abe: But maybe you could ask her for me.
Hal: No. I don't do that anymore. My setups have a way of not working out.
Abe: You just told me I should get out there and now you're crushing my dreams.
Hal: Abe, you read about the guy who woke up in a tub full of ice with his kidney gone? One of my setups. And I had a really good feeling about that one.
Abe: Please. I need this.
Hal: Oh, all right. But I'm warning you, I have a really good feeling about this one, too.

Abe: And after the movie we took off our shoes and walked barefoot through the mall. I tell you, Hal, I feel like a new man. Yesterday I was watching a Pepe LePew cartoon and I thought, "So he doesn't get the cat.
Is that anything to cry over?"
Hal: Wow. That is a real breakthrough, Abe.
Abe: I'm definitely going to see her again.
Hal: Well, she's here tomorrow. I'll ask her...
Abe: No, no, I already asked her out. Myself. It was amazing. I was like some magnificent beast. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to add my own fabric softener.

Piama: Francis, look at this Visa bill. What did we say about expenditures over $100?
Francis: I needed a new hat.
Piama: Give me your card.
Francis: Piama, this is stupid.
Piama: Give me your card.