Craig: [holding magazine] When will J.Lo learn? Take it from a bad boy, we're nothing but trouble.

Craig: Oh. You're buying the Tidy Winks.
Hal: Yes, and I'm in kind of a hurry.
Craig: I don't want to criticize, but I think I know why you're buying the Tidy Winks. It's the absorbency, right? People always fall for that, but what they forget is the elasticity in the legs is suspect at best.
Hal: Craig, I just...
Craig: You know, since I'm kind of little Jamie's unofficial, second alternate godfather, I've been doing some research, and I recommend you take a look at the Baby Naps. They've got this polymer-based fabric that not only has remarkable wicking capability, but actually...

Reese: Hey, we're riding in a limo we didn't pay for. We're about to make out with hot girls who don't even like us. I don't know what we are, but we are not losers.
Malcolm: Have you even thought about where this is going? Her boyfriend is Aaron Steponovich. Have you seen that guy? If he sees you kissing his girlfriend, he's going to kill you.
Reese: I know.
Malcolm: Then why are you...?
Reese: Because anything's better than the way things are now. Look... I've had this cute lab partner in science for eight weeks now. Her name is Cheryl. I finally left Cheryl a note on her desk asking her out. And when she read it, she turned to me and said, "Do you know who Reese is?" So then she goes, "Does anybody know who Reese is?" And everybody shrugged. So then I said, "Probably some nobody." And you know what? I was right.
Limo Driver: Wow. That's awful, kid. You want to wear my hat?
Reese: So tonight I'm gonna fix that. From now on, when I walk by, people are going to say, "What happened to that guy's face?" And someone's going to say, "That's Reese. He made out with Aaron Steponovich's girlfriend." And that I can live with.

Joanne: Malcolm, right?
Malcolm: Yeah.
Joanne: See, I told you, I knew his name. So, we have a proposal for you and your idiot brother.
Val: Oh, my God, another one. And he's in a wheelchair. Jackpot.
Joanne: Kathy?
Kathy: [teary-eyed] Do you guys want to go out on a date with us?
Stevie: You pray... and you pray... and finally... it happens. [uses inhaler] [uses breath spray]

[fantasy:]
Dewey: [v.o.] So the alarm is going off, and Dewey and Jamie are trapped.
Hal: Oh, my God. Someone is trying to steal the perfect pants.
Lois: There'll be dire consequences for this. Francis, find who's ever stealing the perfect pants and stop them!
Francis: [robotic] Do this, do that. You are terrible parents. You have made it impossible for me to trust another human being. You are terrible parents.
Lois: [gasps] Jamie, I should have known it was you. You are in so much trouble. You are grounded. Do you hear me? That means no TV, no phone privileges, no going out with your friends. Nothing!
[reality:]
Dewey: The moral of the story is that I'll screw you over in a heartbeat, the way my brothers do me. That's the way it works around here.

Craig: Okay, now, look ashamed. [camera clicks]
Hal: Look, can I at least have a phone call to let my family know where I am?
Craig: Well, technically, you're not under arrest, so... no. But since we're friends, I'm going to allow you to work off your $7.98. Two hours at minimum wage ought to do it. [camera clicks]

Hal: Okay, boys, in the kitchen. You're making dinner tonight.
Reese: Why do we have to?
Hal: Because your mother hasn't had any sleep for the last four days. Now get in there. And keep it down. She's nursing the baby.
[When Hal, Malcolm, Reese and Stevie enter the living room, they find a sleeping Lois cradling a loaf of bread to her bosom]

Hal: Try to get Jamie to eat while I make a run for more diapers. If that nipple gets clogged, we've got some clean ones in the drawer. I'll only be gone ten minutes, and I don't want anything to go wrong during that time. I am trusting you boys are mature enough to handle this. [exits]
Reese: [laughs] He said "nipple."

Hal: Craig, for God's sakes, I'm in a hurry. Now, I just want the Tidy Winks, okay? I don't have time for a big discussion. Now, please, will you just ring me up?
Craig: Certainly. That will be $7.98.
Hal: [struggles to find his wallet] Craig, don't make a thing out of this.
Craig: Why, whatever do you mean, Hal?
Hal: I'm sorry that I snapped at you before, but I really need these diapers. Can you loan me the money? [both chuckle]
Craig: I could loan you the money, Hal, but that would be helping you. And since you have a tendency to yell at people who try to help you, I don't think that's the wisest course of action for me to take.
Hal: Look, Lois will pay for these tomorrow when she comes in.
Craig: You can't take those! That's shoplifting!
Hal: Fine. Then I'm shoplifting. What are you going to do about it?
Craig: Vernon? [Hal gasps as he bumps up against the large security guard]

Reese: Where is Dad with the diapers?
Malcolm: Dewey, triple bag that diaper and make sure the garbage can lid is on tight. And hold your breath, because if you pass out, we're not coming out there to get you.