Marshall: Okay, game play. Roll the die to see who goes first, forfeit a turn on a pass, intended for two-to-six players.
Future Ted: [v.o.] As Marshall explained the many rules of Chutes and Lilies, Lily thought back to what Kevin said in the bar.
[flashback to the gang at MacLaren's:]
Kevin: It's perfectly normal to wind up with someone like your parents.
Future Ted: And then she thought of the only other man she knew who loved board games that much.
[alternating flashbacks between Mickey and Marshall:]
Mickey: I brought Diseases!
Marshall: Marshgammon.
Mickey: Dog Fight Promoter!
Marshall: Lilial Pursuit.
[fantasy, Lily sees her father when she looks at Marshall:]
Marshall: And that's how you play the game. Oh, wait. I forgot to tell you what happens if I land on "community chest." Honk-honk. [laughs]

Ted: Damn it, Lily, why are you rooting against me?
Lily: I'm not rooting against you.
Ted: Yes, you are.
Lily: No, I'm not.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Yes, she was. You see, at that very moment...
[elsewhere, in Marshall and Lily's house:]
Barney: "Long-term bets"? "Lily bets Marshall that Barney will die by murder", "Marshall bets Lily that Robin will never return the hair dryer", "Lily bets Marshall that Ted'll go bald, "Marshall bets Lily that if Ted goes bald, he'll totally pull it off" My God! They're placing bets on our lives. And I'm sorry, Ted cannot pull off bald. You know Ted.
I'm right about this. [cleaners laugh]
[at MacLaren's:]
Lily: Ted, I'm your best friend. Why would I root against you?
[back:]
Barney: "Lily bets Marshall that Ted and Robin won't end up together."
Future Ted: [v.o.] That's why.

Ted: Look, I still feel bad I went too far with all the Marvin firsts. The Santa thing, especially. I mean, I should've known. Are you sure you guys forgive me?
Marshall: Absolutely.
Lily: Don't worry, no grudges.
Ted: Great. Next round's on me.
[a few years later, Ted is holding a baby as a car horn honks:]
Ted: Coming, honey! Okay, you guys have all the numbers: my cell, the restaurant, Center for Disease Control?
Marshall: She's with her Aunt Lily and Uncle Marshall.
Lily: Nothing's gonna happen.
Ted: You're right. You're totally right. Okay. Bye, sweetie. [hands over the baby]
Lily: Get out of here, ya crazy.
Marshall: Would you get out of here already.
Lily: [to the baby girl] Who's ready to meet Santa?

Marshall: You are gonna return that ashtray, and you're gonna pray that he doesn't press charges, because I can't be in a marriage where one of us is in prison. I know that we role-play conjugal visits a lot, but I can't do that for realsies.
Lily: I'm sorry. All rulings are final. I am not taking it back.
Marshall: Oh, my God! Lily, what is the big deal? Okay, so what? So he said you're just a kindergarten teacher. Why do you let that bother you?
Lily: Because he was right. I am just a kindergarten teacher. And, yes, I have a degree in art history and I was
meant to do something with it, but I didn't. Somewhere along the line, I forgot to pursue my dream, and... and now I'm old and I'm a mom and it's just too late for me.

Marshall: Lily, okay, okay.
Lily: It's too late.
Marshall: No, no, no, it's not too... It's not too late. You're gonna quit your job tomorrow, and you're gonna... You're
gonna go back and pick up right where you left off with that art stuff. And then you know what? I'm gonna find Shelly, and I'm gonna punch her in the face. I am. I'm gonna punch a girl, and run away. Look. I promise you, your best and your most exciting days are all ahead of you.
Lily: I love you so much for saying that, but there gets to be a point in life where that just stops being true. I'm sorry I stole this. I'll return it first thing tomorrow.

Lily: So, what do you want to do tonight? Drink ourselves blind, set a car on fire? Ooh, watch a movie that doesn't start with a desk lamp jumping on top of a capital "I"? I'm all yours, Teddy Westside.
Ted: Actually, tonight it's Teddy Westchester. Got to head up to the house, take care of some stuff.
Lily: Oh, yeah, how's the restoration going?
Ted: Actually, done.
Lily: You finished the house? Well, I want to see it
Ted: Marshall already canceled the cable, huh?
Lily: And the Wi-Fi. It's like Little House on the Freaking Prairie up there.

Robin: Who's that for?
Lily: Marshpillow.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, as you may recall, whenever Marshall left town for a few days, Lily would compensate with a body pillow she dressed up and named Marshpillow. Pretty normal stuff. But with Marshall stuck driving across the country, Lily decided to upgrade.
Lily: Meet Marshpillow 2.0. Yay.
Marshall: [through iPad on Marshpillow 2.0] Am I on?

Lily: Ugh. I second Marshall's vow. I will never ever get that drunk again.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Yeah, she would.
[flashfoward to Wesleyan University in 2030:]
Lily: My baby boy's in college. Did you pack enough undies?
Marvin: Yes, Mom. Shh.
Marshall: Your father did a lot of puking in these hallowed halls, from binge studying. Saved it.
Lily: That reminds me, mister, no underage drinking. No good comes from hanging out in bars and getting drunk.
Marvin: But every story from your 20's starts in a bar.
Marshall: Listen to your mother.
Lily: Aw... What are we gonna do without you in the house?
[later, at a bar:]
Lily: We got him out of the house. Drink up. Mm. Whoo! Oh, boy.
[Marvin walks into the bar]
Marvin: You son of a bitch.
Lily: You son of a me.

Ted: Chinese restaurant, I still don't believe it.
Lily: I told you. Okay, a toast. Life is full of changes. One day you have an apartment, the next day it's a house of dumplings. But the important stuff doesn't change. To the important stuff.
All: Cheers.
Barney: And to the lemon law. Self-clink.
Lily: And by the way, I bought these glasses. I bought them at Ikea. These are my glasses.
Marshall: I love this song. I haven't heard this in forever.
Lily: I'm pretty sure this is a mixed tape you made me in sophomore year.
Robin: Lily, your apartment makes the best Shanghai dumplings.
Marshall: [on tape] I love you, Lily. Happy Valentine's Day 1998.

Robin: You okay?
Lily: Oh, yeah, sorry. I'm just exhausted from work. The stupid school board took away nap time in all kindergarten classes and now the kids are just going crazy by the end of the day. It's much harder to deal with because, well, I don't get my nap.
Robin: Wait, you were taking naps when the kids were? Is that safe?
Lily: Well, they're only five. What are they gonna do to me?