Lily: My turn. Oh, thank you. Marshall, I love you because you're funny and you make me feel loved and you make me feel safe and for our anniversary you gave me a sweatshirt that says, "Lily and Marshall. Rockin' It Since '96." I kinda wish I was wearing it right now 'cause it smells like you. But the main reason I love you, Marshall Eriksen, is you make me happy. You make me happy all the time.

Female voice [on tape] Goodbye Sparky, by Nick Leotti. Read to you by Kenny Rogers.
Marshall: Oh!
Kenny Rogers: [on tape] Chapter one: When I first saw Sparky, he reminded me of my favorite comb. He was missing a lot of teeth, but I loved him anyway. Mother was fit to be tied every time he used her prized rhododendron to do his business.
[Marshall laughs]
Lily: That reminds me, I have to pee.

Kenny Rogers: [on tape] because Sparky loved chasing a ball, and it didn't much matter what kind. Tennis ball, baseball, Wiffle ball, golf ball, basketball, beach ball, gum ball, a grapefruit - which isn't actually a ball, but's round like a ball. A football, which isn't round, but it's still technically a ball. Indian rubber ball...
Female voice: This ends disk seven. The audio book continues on disk eight. [Ted changes disc] Disk eight.
Kenny Rogers: Lacrosse ball, volleyball...
Ted: Oh, my God, Lily, please tell me you have to go pee!
Lily: [chuckles] Yeah, I do.

Lily: Are you out of your mind? You knew they were playing relationship chicken, and what did you do? You put an engagement ring in front of them. Okay. That's it. I'm taking over. I'm coming out of retirement for one last breakup.
Ted: Yes!
Marshall: All right. How are we gonna do it?
Lily: These guys are in so deep just one fight ain't gonna do it. We need to reignite the four biggest fights they've ever been in, all at once. Number one, the battle of the dirty dishes. [flashback to fight] Number two, the ex-girlfriend conflict. Number three, the Star Wars altercation. And of course, the biggie, the Canadian-American war.

Ted: I got it. I got it. We e-mail them pictures reminding them of each of these fights.
Lily: You child. Here's how it goes down. They're at the diner. First, rekindling the Canadian-American debate... Ontario native Alan Thicke stops by the table.
Marshall: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Ted: Alan Thicke?
Marshall: Oh! Right, Robin knew him back when she was a singer.
Lily: Yeah, and they still keep in touch. I already got his number off her phone. Seriously, amateurs. [.vo.] So Alan Thicke restarts the Canada-US fight. Right at that moment, Crazy Meg shows up. Then, a Stormtrooper happens to walk by the window. And just when they can't take anything more, a busboy walks by with a tray full of what? Dirty dishes.

Ted: Guys! I hate Zoey! That means you're supposed to hate her, too! Th- That's your rule, Lily!
Lily: I tried.
Ted: Tried?! Lily, do you have any idea how many people I've blindly hated for you? I hated Renée Zellweger with a burning passion for eight years, only to discover you meant Reese Witherspoon!
Lily: Hey, I will hate her until I get my money back for You, Me and Dupree!
Ted: That's Kate Hudson!
Lily: Oh, yeah. That's who I hate. Guys, we hate Kate Hudson.

Marshall: Lily?
[flashback to Lily in their apartment, rushing to the phone with her hands full with grocery bags:]
Lily: [answers] Hello.
Mickey: [o.s.] Lily, it's Dad. Listen, I'm sort of in jail for not paying taxes for the last 25 years But bright side... I thought of a great new board game. "Tax Evasion"... ages six to ten. Which is, ironically, what I might be looking at. Anyway, Pumpkin, I need $15,000.
Lily: Fooled ya. Leave a message after the beep. We'll get back to ya. Beep.
[present:]
[Lily drinks from the flask]
Marshall: Lawyered.

Barney: Uh, Lily, uh, talk about your open marriage.
Lily: Okay. Well, after a long day of style meetings and photo shoots, and being way too mean to my assistant, I sometimes bang an underwear model.
Jerry: My goodness.
Marshall: I sleep around too. Just as much. A little more even.
Lily: Oh, uh, only 'cause you have nothing to do all day.
Marshall: Are we having this fight again? Writing plays is a real job!
Lily: I work 90 hours a week subsidizing your "real job."
Marshall: I won a Tony!
Lily: I brought French cooking to America!
Marshall: What?

Robin: Lily, we are getting sloshed tonight.
Lily: That's all you, baby.
Marshall: I'll be four shots in with no food.
Lily: In nine months, I'll be pushing a pumpkin-headed Eriksen baby out of my hoo-ha. I think Papa can manage
a few extra cocktails.
Marshall: Well played. [downs two shots]
Lily: [pretends to down a shot] Hakuna Matata!

Lily: The wine looks good.
Ted: Hey, hey, hey, hey, pregnant women can't drink alcohol.
Lily: No, my doctor says it's okay to have a sip of wine every now and then.
Ted: Really?
Lily: Dr. Sonya's great. Whenever you ask her if you can have something, she's, like...
[flashback to Marshall and Lily at the doctor's office:]
Dr. Sonya: Just a little bit.
[present:]
Ted: Wait, Dr. Sonya doesn't let you have sushi, does she?
[flashback to Marshall and Lily at the doctor's office:]
Dr. Sonya: Just a little bit.
[present:]
Ted: You're allowed to have Cheetos?
[flashback to Marshall and Lily at the doctor's office:]
Dr. Sonya: Cheetos. Ah, just a little bit.