Future Ted: [v.o.] But he kept on waiting. Until the summer of 2008 when I got engaged.
[flashback to a year and a half after the wedding:]
Marshall: So Ted's getting married, huh? Bet he'd love a gift from his old pal Marshall. Well, he can forget it.
Lily: We're getting them a gift.
Marshall: But Lily, this is the dream. The whole reason we wanted Ted to get married. So we could not give him a gift and he would know exactly how it feels.
Lily: Baby, I'm as pissed as you are, but we're getting them a gift. We have to.
Marshall: Fine. We'll get them a gift. A gift that'll send a message loud and clear. A gift-wrapping station. Oh, boy, this time he has to get it.
Future Ted: And not long after that, a package arrived.
[flashback to a month later:]
Marshall: Well, well, well, package from one Mr. Ted Mosby. It's a little late, but... What the balls is this?
Lily: It's a thank-you note for the gift-wrapping station.
[present:]
Future Ted: Which explains the face.
Lily: [angrily] Wedding gift.

Reverend: I understand the temptation. They're such a sweet couple. I mean, the way they call each other Barnmallow and Robinpad.
Lily: Yes, I do steal their stories. But only because my husband and I are so ashamed of how we met. [v.o.] See, we only met because his friend Ted fell in love with me. And who could blame him?
[fantasy:]
Ted: Hey, Marshall, see that girl?
Marshall: Oh, yeah. You just know she likes it dirty. Go say hi.
Ted: Well, I can't go say hi. I need a plan. I'm gonna wait till she goes to the bathroom.
Marshall: Hi. Have you met Ted?
Ted: Hi.
Marshall: I'm sorry, I can't... [kisses Lily]
[reality:]
Lily: And now, after years of lying, cheating, and back-sliding, here we are, married. But what can I say? My husband's a sociopath who's slept with over a hundred women, and I'm a slut who once let my boss feel me up.
Barney: Oh, come on, it is over 250 women.
Robin: I felt him up!

[title: "Barney Stinson: Player King of New York City"]
Marshall: [v.o.] Once upon a time, we all went out to get our drink on. When who should walk in but a girl with sweater tight and pink on. She ordered up a beer. I think you see where this is going. As Barney put it, oh so eloquently:
Barney: Boy-oy-oy-oing.
Marshall: [v.o.] He rose to go approach this girl commanding such intrigue when Mommy interrupted:
Lily: Dude, she's way out of your league. She's not in Daisy Dukes, nor squeezed into a Hooters tee. And I don't see a Curves membership dangling from her key. She has no glaring spray tan, no unicorn tattoos. She's sipping Chardonnay, not pounding cherry-flavored booze. Her makeup isn't running, she's not playing with her hair. There's very little chance she'll let you put it anywhere.
Barney: Your challenge is accepted, Lil. There is no girl too pretty, for I am Barney Stinson, Player King of New York City.

Robin: Look, all I meant was that there are two sides here. Yes, Italy is your dream, but being a judge is Marshall's. Well, that and teaching prop comedy to a tropical bird.
Lily: Parrot Top has nothing to do with this.

Lily: No more pausing. We're getting through this argument.
Marshall: Okay. But no pot shots at my mom.
Lily: Fine. No distracting me with your calves.
Marshall: Fine. I love you, Lilypad.
Lily: I love you, Marshmallow. Now... How could you take that job without telling me?
Marshall: Baby, I'm sorry, but they needed an answer right away. This is a huge opportunity. It could be good
for our family and we have to at least talk about it.
Lily: Sorry, you lost your chance to talk about it when you didn't talk about it. We're going to Italy.
Marshall: But I could be a judge. We can't give that up for what is clearly just a hobby. Pause.
Lily: No pause. That hobby is my dream. We're going to Italy.
Marshall: Well, it's my dream to...
Lily: We are going to Italy.
Marshall: Baby, can you just...
Lily: We are going to Italy. Don't you get it? You went behind my back. You hurt me. You were more selfish than I have ever been to you.
Marshall: You broke up with me and moved to San Francisco.

2006 Lily: Oh, my gosh, 2013 me! So many questions! How many MySpace friends do I have now? Has James Blunt put out the steady stream of number one hits we all expect from him? And why are we in this hotel room?
Ghost Lily: We're here for Barney's wedding.
2006 Lily: Barney's wedding? Oh, God. What desperate ho-bag is handcuffing herself to that time bomb?
Ghost Robin: My dad did a real number on me.

Marshall: Okay, uh, Ghost Lily, seven-years-ago Ghost Lily, can we get on with this so I can win the argument and we can move on to my regularly scheduled fantasy of you two making out with each other?
Ghost Lily: Sure.
2006 Lily: Just so you know, I really like it when...
Ghost Lily: I know. I'm you. And I don't like that anymore.

Marshall: No. There's only one place that she would put it. The place where, eventually, it would decompose, and serve as a natural mulch. It's in the daisy.
Ted: And sure enough, if I dig around I am all but guaranteed to find... a pregnancy test.
Billy Zabka: You could smoke those?
[flashback to Lily throwing up in the train toilet:]
Lily: Oh, no.
[flashback to Lily at the Farhampton Inn bar:]
Linus: So, you want the Kennedy Package?
Lily: Bingo. One other little thing. When you do put a drink in my hand, let's make it non-alcoholic. There's a chance I might be pregnant. Okay, Linus, don't start popping the sparkling cider just yet. I'm just being cautious. I'll take a test when I get home. It can wait.
[flashback to Lily and Marshall arguing:]
Marshall: Are Marvin, and I and any other future children we may have just some consolation prize?
Lily: I have to get out of here.
[flashback to Lily about to leave the Farhampton Inn:]
Lily: It can't wait.
[flashback to Lily buying the pregnancy test and then going to The Captain's:]
Becky: Lily, what a lovely...
Lily: Can I use your powder room?
[in the bathroom:]
Lily: Two minutes. Here we go.
[present:]
Marshall: Guys, we need to go back to the hotel.

Lily: I vow to cry less during this pregnancy.
Marshall: I vow to cry less during this Vikings season.
Lily: Mm, with that secondary, I wouldn't make that promise.
Marshall: I vow to keep at least 80% of these vows.
Lily: That seems high.
Marshall: And I vow to keep updating them as we go. Because one set of vows, it can't cover a lifetime of growing and changing with you, of raising children with you, falling more and more in love with you every day, Lily Aldrin, which is what I vow to do for the rest of my life.
Lily: Crap. I already broke my crying vow.
Marshall: I'll forgive you.

[24 hours after the wedding:]
Marshall: What are you doing in New York? Aren't you supposed to be in Chicago?
Ted: No... Oh. Yeah, I'm not doing that.
Both: What?
Ted: I'm not moving to Chicago.
Lily: Why?
Ted: I met a girl.
Lily: You son of a bitch!