[24 hours after the wedding:]
Marshall: What is the matter with you? How could you put us through that? That good-bye was emotionally devastating. A certain delicate flower cried all night in the shower.
Lily: And I was pretty bummed, too.
Marshall: And now you're staying because of some girl? I mean, who is this person?
Ted: The bass player from the wedding band.
Marshall: Oh, yeah, she's great.
Lily: Love her. Right, right?
Marshall: What are you... What are you doing? Calling her.
Marshall: Don't do this. Don't call her the next day. You're blowing this. Three days. You wait three days, Ted.
Lily: Oh, the three day rule is-is a childish, manipulative mind game. But yeah, you wait three days.

[May 2016:]
Barney: Guys, it's okay. This isn't a failed marriage. It's a very successful marriage that happened to only last three years.
Marshall: You both want this? For real?
Robin: We do.
Barney: For real.
Ted: Lily, you okay?
Lily: Of course I'm not okay. This ruins everything. Now we have to choose sides, and obviously we're gonna choose Robin, but Barney has his moments.
Marshall: I really liked the boner joke of the day.

Lily: What?
Ted: Lily, you're being a wee bit intense about this band thing.
Lily: Intense? I have a wedding to plan in nine weeks for 200 people. Even if a dinosaur should poke its head out of my butt and consume this coffee table, I need you to roll with it, okay?
Ted: Wow.

Lily: [on the phone] Plus, it's a crappy room, but when I tried to complain...
[flashback:]
Lily: The thermostat in my room is broken, the AC won't turn off.
Hamish: Ooh. Sounds like the work of Captain Dearduff. He brings with him the icy chill of death. So bad luck there. Night-night.
Lily: It sounds like you're using Captain Dearduff as an excuse for a crappy room.
Hamish: I beg your pardon. I did not get to be a 40-year-old night clerk by making excuses. Now, if there's anything wrong that isn't ghost-related, I'm happy to address it.
Lily: Okay, the Wi-Fi doesn't work.
Hamish: Ghosts interfere with electronic devices.
Lily: The shower's leaking.
Hamish: Dearduff likes the sound of dripping, reminds him of his bleeding victims.
Lily: And the door won't lock.
Hamish: Captain Dearduff doesn't want to, you know, be locked out of his room.
Lily: Why would a locked door keep a ghost out? Can't they walk through walls?
Hamish: Maybe he's afraid of rats.
Lily: There are rats in the walls?
Hamish: No.

Hamish: So you're saying you didn't order room service and you didn't order Prison Sluts Nine?
Lily: I am saying I did not order room service.

Robin: What happened?
Lily: Oh, Ted didn't get that job. But that's not the biggest disappointment of the day.
Robin: What?
Lily: We saw you woo.
Robin: Saw who woo?
Lily: Saw you woo.
Robin: I didn't woo.
Lily: You did, too.
Robin: That's not true.
Lily: Your nose just grew.

Lily: Wow. Nice. You know, now that I'm here, I don't feel that anxious. [phone rings] It's my dad. Something horrible's happened! My husband, relax.
Marshall: [on the phone] Hey, um, I'm gonna be a little while, baby. It's a long story, but Ted needs my help.
Lily: Okay, but hurry or I'm gonna start doing number 11 on my own.
Marshall: You can do that by yourself?
Lily: Pilates, bitch.

Lily: Pull your head out of your ass, Mosby. Do you think Marshall always makes me happy? I mean, sometimes being with him is a real trial. Real trial. [smashes glass] Huh. Did it to myself that time. Look, Ted, it's time to settle. Take this normal-sized chick up to the lighthouse and fall in love with her and quit bothering us with your dumb love life stuff. God, I am so sick of being smarter than everyone else. You're slipping, Linus.
Linus: We're running out of glasses.

Ted: [on the phone] How do I get them to like me again?
Lily: You don't. Ted, you're their teacher. The only people that like their teachers...
Ted: I like my teachers.
Lily: ...are dorks. [to a kid shining her shoes] Except for you, Miles.

Marshall: If we move here, you're just going to have that baby, and then you're going to hate me for letting you do this.
Lily: I'm going to love it here. Oh, we'd have so much room in the suburbs. You can get that pinball machine you've always wanted. You can put it anywhere you want.
Marshall: Stop it. You don't know what you're saying.
Lily: Anywhere. Upstairs, downstairs, you can stick it in the back.
Marshall: Lily, I want to be inside this house so bad.