Monica: Dr. Green. Oh, my God. It's Rachel's dad. Why are you here?
Dr. Green: What, the father can't stop by to see the daughter on her birthday?
Monica: No, no, the father can. But since I am the roommate, I can tell you she's not here. And I'll pass along the message. Okay? So bye-bye.
Dr. Green: Oh, you're having a party.
Monica: No, no, not a party. Just a surprise gathering of some people Rachel knows. This is Phoebe, Chandler and Joey.
Dr. Green: I'll never remember all that. So what's the deal? Rachel comes home, people pop out and yell stuff? Is that it?
Chandler: This isn't your first surprise party, is it, sir?

Ross: So, Dr. Green, how's the old boat?
Dr. Green: They found rust. Do you know what rust does to a boat?
Ross: Gives it a nice antique-y look?
Dr. Green: Rust is boat cancer, Ross.
Ross: Wow, I'm sorry. When I was a kid, I lost a bike to that.

Dr. Green: You know what's really good here? The lobster. What do you say, shall I just order three?
Ross: Yeah. If you're really hungry. It was a joke. I made a joke.
Rachel: Actually, Daddy, Ross is allergic to lobster.
Dr. Green: What kind of person's allergic to lobster? I guess the kind of person that works in a library.
Ross: It's not-
Dr. Green: I know. It's a museum! You're the only who can make a joke? At least mine was funny. Waiter, we will have two lobsters and a menu. [gestures apologetically]

Dr. Green: So, sweetie, you were starting to tell me what is new with you.
Rachel: Well ... Um ... I got TiVo.
Dr. Green: What's TiVo?
Phoebe: It's slang for "pregnant."
Rachel: Phoebe!
Dr. Green: Are you really pregnant?
Rachel: Well, yes and no. Except, not no. So to sum it up, yeah.
Dr. Green: Who is the father? Oh, no, please don't tell me it's her.
Rachel: No, it's Ross. It's Ross. You like Ross. Oh, Daddy, I hope you're okay with all this. I mean, this is a good thing. Think about it, this is your first grandchild! You're gonna be a poppy.
Dr. Green: That's true. I'm a poppy. I'm gonna be a poppy! So when is the wedding?
Rachel: The who?
Dr. Green: The wedding. There's going to be a wedding. Young lady, don't you sit there and tell me my first grandchild is gonna be a bastard! Rachel Karen Green, tell me there's gonna be a wedding!
Rachel: February 2nd.

Dr. Green: What are you doing here, Geller?
Ross: Well, I came with Rachel, who should be back any second. So what's new?
Dr. Green: Oh, I had a little heart attack.
Ross: Right. Is it painful?
Dr. Green: What? The heart attack or sitting here talking to you?
Ross: Let's see if we can get that Rachel back in here.
Dr. Green: So what's new with you, Geller? Knocked up any more of my daughters lately?
Ross: Nope. Just the one. Rach!

Ross: Hi, Dr. Green. So how's everything in the vascular surgery game?
Dr. Green: It's not a game, Ross. A woman died on my table today.
Ross: I'm sorry. See, that's the good thing about my job. All the dinosaurs on my table are already dead.

Waiter: Your '74 Lafite, sir.
Dr. Green: '74? I ordered the '75. That's a magnificent wine. The '74 is sewage! Why would you bring me sewage? Is that a hard question? Are you an idiot? Is that why you're a waiter?
Waiter: This is why I told the manager I wouldn't wait on you tonight.
Dr. Green: Oh, come on. Don't be such a baby.

Rachel: Hi, Daddy.
Dr. Green: This is where they put us? What? There was no table in the kitchen?

Dr. Green: So, come on. Explain yourself, Geller. First you get my Rachel pregnant.
Mona: You got Rachel pregnant?
Ross: Who did?
Dr. Green: You did!
Ross: Yes, I did. Yes, but it was just a one-night thing. It meant nothing.
Dr. Green: Oh? Really? That's what my daughter means to you, nothing?
Ross: No, no. No, sir. She means a lot to me. I care- I love Rachel.
Mona: What?
Ross: But not that way. I mean, I'm not in love with her. I love her like a friend.
Dr. Green: Oh, really? That's how you treat a friend? You get her in trouble and then refuse to marry her?
Ross: Hey, I offered to marry her.
Mona: What?
Ross: But I didn't want to.
Dr. Green: Well, why not? So you could spend your time with this tramp?
Mona: Tramp?
Ross: I'm sorry. Dr. Green, Mona. Mona, Dr. Green.

Mrs. Green: Hi, Monica. [Monica slams the door]
Monica: The Chinese menu guy. Forgot the menus.
Chandler: So basically, just a Chinese guy.
Joey: Hey, Dr. Green, come with me. We'll put your jacket on Rachel's bed.
Dr. Green: All right. That sounds like a two-person job.