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‘The One with the Race Car Bed’ Quotes

Friends: The One with the Race Car Bed

307. The One with the Race Car Bed

Aired November 7, 1996

When Monica buys a new bed from Janice's ex-husband's store, she doesn't get the bed she expected. Meanwhile, Rachel and Ross go out for dinner with her father, and Joey teaches a soap opera acting class.

Quote from Dr. Green

Dr. Green: You know what's really good here? The lobster. What do you say, shall I just order three?
Ross: Yeah. If you're really hungry. It was a joke. I made a joke.
Rachel: Actually, Daddy, Ross is allergic to lobster.
Dr. Green: What kind of person's allergic to lobster? I guess the kind of person that works in a library.
Ross: It's not-
Dr. Green: I know. It's a museum! You're the only who can make a joke? At least mine was funny. Waiter, we will have two lobsters and a menu. [gestures apologetically]

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Quote from Dr. Green

Ross: So, Dr. Green, how's the old boat?
Dr. Green: They found rust. Do you know what rust does to a boat?
Ross: Gives it a nice antique-y look?
Dr. Green: Rust is boat cancer, Ross.
Ross: Wow, I'm sorry. When I was a kid, I lost a bike to that.

Quote from Ross

Rachel: What?
Ross: I'm sorry. It's just-
Dr. Green: Ross? What's with the neck?
Rachel: He's got this thing and I keep telling him to go to my chiropractor.
Dr. Green: You still going to that chiropractor? The man couldn't get into med school in lxtapa!
Ross: Thank you. That's what I keep saying.

Quote from Joey

Joey: There will come a time in each of your careers when you'll have a chance to screw over another soap opera actor. I had such an opportunity in the recent present. And I'm ashamed to say that I took it. I advised a fellow actor to play a role ... homosexually. We both auditioned for the part and, as it turned out, they they liked the stupid "gay" thing and cast him. And now he's got a two-year contract opposite Susan Lucci, the first lady of daytime television. And me? Me, I'm stuck here teaching a bunch of people, most of whom are too ugly to even be on TV.

Quote from Gunther

Gunther: [inner monologue] What does Rachel see in this guy? I love Rachel. I wish she was my wife.

Quote from Phoebe

Joey: [humming in his head]
Phoebe: [inner monologue] Who's singing?

Quote from Monica

Chandler: What a wank.
Janice: I cannot believe he's using our divorce to sell mattresses.
Monica: I know. At $499 for a pillow-top queen, who cares about the divorce? Those babies will sell themselves. And I'm appalled for you, by the way.

Quote from Ross

Rachel: Okay, Daddy. We'll see you tomorrow night. Okay, bye-bye.
Ross: "We"?
Rachel: -are having dinner with my Dad tomorrow night. I hope that's okay.
Ross: Oh, shoot. Tomorrow's not good. I'm supposed to fall off the Empire State Building and land on a bicycle with no seat, so...

Quote from Ross

Rachel: Ross, my father doesn't hate you.
Ross: Please. He refers to me as "Wet-Head."

Quote from Joey

Joey: It's not a part. I'm teaching Acting for Soap Operas at the Learning Extension.
Ross: Come on. That's great.
Joey: It's, like, my chance to give something back to the acting community.
Ross: You know, you're probably not allowed to sleep with your students.
Joey: [stares blankly] I know.

Quote from Monica

Phoebe: I don't know, Monica. It feels funny just being here. If you buy a bed from Janice's ex-husband, it's like betraying Chandler.
Monica: Not at these prices.

Quote from Phoebe

[to a kid sitting on a race car bed]
Phoebe: You know, in England this car would be on the other side of the store. Whoosh!

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: This is my new bed. You gotta feel this bad boy.
Phoebe: Monica, it still feels so weird, you know? Chandler's your friend. Oh, my God. All right, take this bed. You can make other friends.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Now on my first day as Dr. Drake Ramoray on Days Of Our Lives, I learned one of the most important things in soap opera acting is reacting. This does not mean acting again.
It means you don't have a line, but someone else just did. And it goes something like this. [nods, gasps] Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Quote from Joey

Joey: By the way, before I forget. To work in soap operas, some of you are gonna have to become much more attractive.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Oh, and I got an audition for All My Children. It's this great part. This boxer named Nick. And I'm so, so right for it. He's just like me. Except that he's a boxer ... and has an evil twin.

Quote from Phoebe

Delivery Man: Hear ye, hear ye. Delivery from the Mattress King. You Miss Geller?
Phoebe: Okay.
Delivery Man: Sign here.
Phoebe: Oh, do I have a middle name? All right. Monica "Felula" Geller.

Quote from Phoebe

Delivery Man: Which bedroom do you want it in, Ms. Geller?
Phoebe: It's the compulsively neat one by the window.

Quote from Dr. Green

Rachel: Hi, Daddy.
Dr. Green: This is where they put us? What? There was no table in the kitchen?

Quote from Dr. Green

Rachel: You remember Ross.
Ross: Nice to see you again, Dr. Green.
Dr. Green: So, how's the library?
Ross: Uh, museum.
Dr. Green: What happened to the library?
Ross: There never was a library. I mean, there are libraries. It's just that I've never worked at one.

Quote from Rachel

Dr. Green: Excuse me for a moment. I want to say good night to the Levines before we go.
Ross: [gestures stabbing himself in the heart with a table knife]
Rachel: Honey, stop. It's not that bad.
Ross: Uh-oh. I think your dad must have added wrong. He only tipped like 4%.
Rachel: Yeah. That's Daddy.
Ross: "That's Daddy"? Doesn't it bother you? You're a waitress.
Rachel: Yes, it bothers me, Ross. But you know, if he was a regular at the coffee house, I'd be serving him sneezers.

Quote from Ross

Dr. Green: Wait, I think I forgot my receipt.
Ross: You don't need that.
Dr. Green: Why not?
Ross: I mean, the carbon. It's messy. I mean, gets on your fingers and causes the ... night blindness.

Quote from Dr. Green

Dr. Green: What is this? Who put a 20 down here?
Ross: Oh, yeah, that would be me. I have a problem. I tip way too much. Way too much. It's a sickness, really.
Rachel: Yeah, it is. We really, really have to do something about that.
Dr. Green: Excuse me. You think I'm cheap?
Rachel: No, Daddy, he didn't mean anything by that. He really didn't.
Ross: Nothing I do means anything. Really.
Dr. Green: This is nice. I pay $200 for dinner. You put down $20 and you come out looking like Mr. Big Shot. You really want to be Mr. Big Shot? Here. I'll tell you what. You pay the whole bill, Mr. Big Shot. All right?
Ross: [to Rachel ]Well, "Mr. Big Shot" is better than "Wet-Head."

Quote from Joey

Joey: Okay, some tricks of the trade. Now, I've never been able to cry as an actor. So if I have a scene where I have to cry, I cut a hole in my pocket, take a pair of tweezers and just start pulling.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Or let's say I want to convey that I've just done something evil. That would be your basic I've-got-a-fish-hook-in-my-eyebrow-and-l-like-it.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Let's say I've just gotten bad news. Well, all I do there is try and divide 232 by 13. And that's how it's done.

Quote from Ross

Rachel: You had to do it, didn't you? You couldn't just leave it alone.
Ross: Four percent, okay? I tip more than that when there's a bug in my food.

Quote from Ross

Rachel: Ross, tonight was about the two of you getting along.
[Ross is rubbing his neck]
Rachel: Would you just see my chiropractor already?
Ross: Yeah, I'm gonna go to a doctor who went to medical school in a mini-mall.

Quote from Monica

Chandler: Okay, if this bed isn't new, then how come there's plastic on the mattress?
Monica: Sometimes I have bad dreams.

Quote from Dr. Green

Rachel: Hi, Daddy.
Dr. Green: Baby.
Ross: Dr. Green, how are you?
Dr. Green: Thanks for dinner last night.
Ross: Thank you for teaching me a valuable lesson.
Dr. Green: Nice hair. What did you do, swim here?

Quote from Dr. Green

Rachel: Excuse me, Dr. Bobby happens to be an excellent doctor.
Dr. Green: Wait a minute. His name is Dr. Bobby?
Rachel: That's his last name.
Ross: And his first name.
Dr. Green: He's Bobby Bobby?
Rachel: It's Robert Bobby. And excuse me, he helps me.
Ross: Please. Ask her how?
Dr. Green: What do you need help for?
Rachel: My alignment. I've got one leg shorter than the other.
Dr. Green: Oh, my God.
Ross: Argue with that.
Rachel: What? It's true. My right leg is two inches shorter.
Dr. Green: Come on, you're just tilting!

Quote from Dr. Green

Dr. Green: Her legs are fine.
Ross: I know that.
Dr. Green: So why do you let her go to a chiropractor?
Rachel: I'm sorry, "let her"?
Ross: What can I do? She doesn't listen to me about renter's insurance, either.
Dr. Green: Wait a minute. You don't have renter's insurance?
Rachel: No.
Dr. Green: What if someone steals something? How you gonna run after him, with one leg shorter than the other?

Quote from Joey

Ross: Question. When you guys were kids and you played Happy Days, who were you? I was always Richie.
Monica: I was always Joanie.
Joey: Question: Was, uh, "Egg the Gellers" the war cry of your neighborhood?

Quote from Gunther

[Gunther angrily watches Rachel kiss Ross]
Ross: Hi, Gunther.
Gunther: Yeah. We'll see.


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