Monica: Dr. Green. Oh, my God. It's Rachel's dad. Why are you here?
Dr. Green: What, the father can't stop by to see the daughter on her birthday?
Monica: No, no, the father can. But since I am the roommate, I can tell you she's not here. And I'll pass along the message. Okay? So bye-bye.
Dr. Green: Oh, you're having a party.
Monica: No, no, not a party. Just a surprise gathering of some people Rachel knows. This is Phoebe, Chandler and Joey.
Dr. Green: I'll never remember all that. So what's the deal? Rachel comes home, people pop out and yell stuff? Is that it?
Chandler: This isn't your first surprise party, is it, sir?

Ross: Hi, Dr. Green. So how's everything in the vascular surgery game?
Dr. Green: It's not a game, Ross. A woman died on my table today.
Ross: I'm sorry. See, that's the good thing about my job. All the dinosaurs on my table are already dead.

Joey: Quick volleyball question.
Chandler: Volleyball?
Joey: Yeah, we set up a court in your room. You didn't really like that gray lamp, did you?
Chandler: Joey, a woman stuck her tongue down my throat. I'm not even listening to you.

Mrs. Green: Ross, whose glasses are those?
Ross: Mine.
Mrs. Green:You wear bifocals?
Ross: I have a condition, apparently, that I require two different sets of focals.
Mrs. Green: Do you know my husband has glasses just like that?
Rachel: Well, those are very popular frames.
Ross: Neil Sedaka wears them.

Chandler: How you holding up there, tiger? Oh, sorry. When my parents were getting divorced, I got a lot of "tigers." I got a lot of "champs," "chiefs," "sports." I even got a "governor."

Monica: So I'll get candles and my mom's lace tablecloth. And since it's Rachel's birthday and we want it to be special, I thought I'd poach a salmon.
All: Ugh.
Monica: What?
Ross: Question. Why do we always have to have parties where you poach things?
Monica: You want to be in charge of the food committee?
Ross: Question 2. Why do we always have to have parties with committees?

Ross: Hi, honey. How did it go?
Rachel: It was the graduation from hell.
Chandler: You know, my cousin went to hell on a football scholarship.

Monica: What happened?
Rachel: My parents happened. You know, all they had to do was sit in the same stadium, smile and not talk about the divorce. But no, they got into a fight during the commencement address. Bishop Tutu actually had to stop and shush them.

Mrs. Green: Hi, Monica. [Monica slams the door]
Monica: The Chinese menu guy. Forgot the menus.
Chandler: So basically, just a Chinese guy.
Joey: Hey, Dr. Green, come with me. We'll put your jacket on Rachel's bed.
Dr. Green: All right. That sounds like a two-person job.

Mrs. Green: Well, my goodness. What was that?
Monica: Sandra, I am so sorry, I thought you were Rachel and we just weren't ready for you yet.
Mrs. Green: You thought I was Rachel?
Chandler: Yes, because you look so young.
Phoebe: And because you're both, you know, white women.