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‘The One with the Two Parties’ Quotes

Friends: The One with the Two Parties

222. The One with the Two Parties

Aired May 2, 1996

Monica throws a birthday party for Rachel, but things don't go to plan when Rachel's father makes an unannounced visit to the apartment. To keep him away from Mrs. Green, who Monica invited, a second party is thrown across the hall.

Quote from Dr. Green

Monica: Dr. Green. Oh, my God. It's Rachel's dad. Why are you here?
Dr. Green: What, the father can't stop by to see the daughter on her birthday?
Monica: No, no, the father can. But since I am the roommate, I can tell you she's not here. And I'll pass along the message. Okay? So bye-bye.
Dr. Green: Oh, you're having a party.
Monica: No, no, not a party. Just a surprise gathering of some people Rachel knows. This is Phoebe, Chandler and Joey.
Dr. Green: I'll never remember all that. So what's the deal? Rachel comes home, people pop out and yell stuff? Is that it?
Chandler: This isn't your first surprise party, is it, sir?

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Quote from Dr. Green

Ross: Hi, Dr. Green. So how's everything in the vascular surgery game?
Dr. Green: It's not a game, Ross. A woman died on my table today.
Ross: I'm sorry. See, that's the good thing about my job. All the dinosaurs on my table are already dead.

Quote from Ross

Mrs. Green: Ross, whose glasses are those?
Ross: Mine.
Mrs. Green:You wear bifocals?
Ross: I have a condition, apparently, that I require two different sets of focals.
Mrs. Green: Do you know my husband has glasses just like that?
Rachel: Well, those are very popular frames.
Ross: Neil Sedaka wears them.

Quote from Mrs. Green

Rachel: You want me to see a therapist?
Mrs. Green: Sweetheart, you obviously have a problem. You've chosen a boyfriend exactly like your father.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: How you holding up there, tiger? Oh, sorry. When my parents were getting divorced, I got a lot of "tigers." I got a lot of "champs," "chiefs," "sports." I even got a "governor."

Quote from Ross

Monica: So I'll get candles and my mom's lace tablecloth. And since it's Rachel's birthday and we want it to be special, I thought I'd poach a salmon.
All: Ugh.
Monica: What?
Ross: Question. Why do we always have to have parties where you poach things?
Monica: You want to be in charge of the food committee?
Ross: Question 2. Why do we always have to have parties with committees?

Quote from Chandler

Ross: Hi, honey. How did it go?
Rachel: It was the graduation from hell.
Chandler: You know, my cousin went to hell on a football scholarship.

Quote from Rachel

Monica: What happened?
Rachel: My parents happened. You know, all they had to do was sit in the same stadium, smile and not talk about the divorce. But no, they got into a fight during the commencement address. Bishop Tutu actually had to stop and shush them.

Quote from Dr. Green

Mrs. Green: Hi, Monica. [Monica slams the door]
Monica: The Chinese menu guy. Forgot the menus.
Chandler: So basically, just a Chinese guy.
Joey: Hey, Dr. Green, come with me. We'll put your jacket on Rachel's bed.
Dr. Green: All right. That sounds like a two-person job.

Quote from Phoebe

Mrs. Green: Well, my goodness. What was that?
Monica: Sandra, I am so sorry, I thought you were Rachel and we just weren't ready for you yet.
Mrs. Green: You thought I was Rachel?
Chandler: Yes, because you look so young.
Phoebe: And because you're both, you know, white women.

Quote from Phoebe

Mrs. Green: Oh, the funniest thing happened to me on the way here. I was driving-
Phoebe: [laughing] That's great! I can't wait to hear the rest, but I have to go to the bathroom. Hey, come with me.
Mrs. Green: What?
Phoebe: Yeah, it'll be like we're gal pals. You know, like at a restaurant. It'll be fun. Come on.

Quote from Chandler

Monica: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Chandler: Okay, think. Think. What would Jack and Chrissy do?

Quote from Chandler

Rachel: Both of them are here? Both of them? Both of them are here?
Chandler: Well, we could count again?

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Are you gonna be okay?
Rachel: Well, I don't really have a choice. I can look at the bright side. I get two birthday parties and two birthday cakes.
Chandler: Well, actually just one birthday flan.
Rachel: What?
Chandler: It's a traditional Mexican custard dessert. Talk to Monica. Look, she's on the food committee.

Quote from Chandler

Joey: Quick volleyball question.
Chandler: Volleyball?
Joey: Yeah, we set up a court in your room. You didn't really like that gray lamp, did you?
Chandler: Joey, a woman stuck her tongue down my throat. I'm not even listening to you.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Honey, can you keep Dad occupied? I'm gonna talk to Mom for a while.
Ross: Okay. Do you have any ideas for any openers?
Rachel: Let's just stay clear of "I'm the guy that's doing your daughter" and you should be okay.

Quote from Monica

Monica: Okay, I want you to take a piece of paper- Here you go. And write down your most embarrassing memory. And I do ask when you're not using the markers, you put the caps back on them because they will dry out.

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: Gunther, where you going?
Gunther: I was sort of thinking about maybe-
Monica: No. No, you can't go. No, this is fun. We're just getting started. Here's your marker.
Phoebe: Listen, if you want to go, just go.
Gunther: No, she'll yell at me again.
Phoebe: All right, I can get you out.
Gunther: What?
Phoebe: In a minute, I'm going to create a diversion. When I do, walk quickly to the door and don't look back.

Quote from Ross

Dr. Green: I think I need a drink.
Ross: I'll get it for you. What do you want?
Dr. Green: Scotch.
Ross: I'll be back in 10 seconds with your scotch on the rocks in a glass.
Dr. Green: Neat!
Ross: Cool.
Dr. Green: Neat, as in no rocks.
Ross: I know.

Quote from Ross

Mrs. Green: Oh, hello, Ross. Where have you been?
Ross: Hi. I have been in the bathroom. Ahem. Stay clear of the salmon mousse.
Mrs. Green: Scotch neat. You know, that's Rachel's father's drink.
Ross: Oh. Mine too. Isn't that neat? Scotch neat. [laughs]

Quote from Ross

Ross: Hey. Where are you sneaking off to, mister?
Dr. Green: I'm getting my cigarettes.
Ross: No.
Dr. Green: No? What do you mean "no"?
Ross: No. See, because that's the staging area. You go in there, it'll ruin the whole illusion of the party. I think you take your scotch back in there and I will get your cigarettes for you, sir.
Dr. Green: Get my glasses too.
Ross: All righty-roo. [after closing the door] What a great moment to say that for the first time.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Oh, no! Did someone forget to use a coaster?
Monica: What?!
[Phoebe nods to Gunther who sneaks out of the apartment as Monica rushes to inspect the table]
Monica: I don't see anything.
Phoebe: Great, I'm seeing water rings again.

Quote from Ross

Mrs. Green: You didn't tell me your boyfriend smokes.
Rachel: Yeah, like a chimney.
Ross: Big smoker. [drops a cigarette, picks it up] Big, big smoker. In fact, I'm gonna go into the hallway and fire up this bad boy.
Dr. Green: Are you wearing my glasses?
Ross: Yes. I was just warming up the earpieces for you.
Dr. Green: Thank you. Is that one of my cigarettes?
Ross: Yes, it is. I was just moistening the tip.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: She's taking the trash out, so I can get you out of here. But it has to be now. She'll be back any minute.
Guest: What about my friend, Victor?
Phoebe: No, only the three of you. Any more than that and she'll get suspicious.
Guest: Just let me get my coat.
Phoebe: There isn't time! Just leave everything. They'll take care of you next door.
Guest: Is it true they have beer?
Phoebe: Everything you've heard is true.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Welcome to the fu-
Monica: Phoebe.
Phoebe: All right, I'm sorry. But these people needed me. They work hard all week. It's Saturday night. They deserve to have a little fun. Go!

Quote from Chandler

Rachel: I mean, I was in there just listening to them bitch about each other. All I kept thinking about was the Fourth of July.
Chandler: Because it reminded you of the way our forefathers used to bitch at each other?

Quote from Rachel

Phoebe: Okay, Rachel, make a special flan wish.
Rachel: Okay, I've got one. [Rachel blows the candles out.]
Guy: Heads up! [A volleyball lands on the flan]
Rachel: Wow. Those things almost never come true.

Quote from Monica

Monica: Listen, I don't mean to be a pain about this but I've noticed some of you are just placing them on. You want to push the caps until you hear them click.

Quote from Chandler

[Joey is staring as Monica's breasts]
Monica: Joey, they're not real. I start miles beneath the surface of these things. They're fake. See? Honk, honk.
Chandler: Wow, it's like porno for clowns.

Quote from Joey

Phoebe: Okay, here are the birthday candles. Where's the birthday cake?
Monica: Okay. We're not having birthday cake. We're having birthday flan.
Chandler: Excuse me?
Monica: It's a traditional Mexican custard dessert.
Joey: Oh, that's nice. Happy birthday, Rachel. Here's some goo.


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