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‘The One Where Joey Speaks French’ Quotes

Friends: The One Where Joey Speaks French

1013. The One Where Joey Speaks French

Aired February 19, 2004

Phoebe attempts to teach Joey how to speak French for a part in a play. Meanwhile, Ross takes care of Rachel when her father has a heart attack, and Monica and Chandler show Erica around New York and worry about the identity of their baby's father.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Hi, excuse me. I'm here to see my father. My name is Rachel Green.
Ross: And I'm Dr. Ross Geller.
Rachel: Ross, please. This is a hospital, okay? That actually means something here.

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Quote from Joey

Phoebe: Alright, this seems pretty simple. Your first line is "My name is Claude." So, just repeat after me. Je m'appelle Claude.
Joey: "Je des coup plow".
Phoebe: Well, so let's try it again.
Joey: Okay.
Phoebe: Je m'appelle Claude.
Joey: "Je des plie bleu".
Phoebe: Huh, it's not quite what I'm saying.
Joey: Really? It sounds exactly the same to me.
Phoebe: It does? Really?
Joey: Yeah.
Phoebe: Alright, let's just try it again. Really listen.
Joey: Got it.
Phoebe: Je m'appelle Claude.
Joey: "Je des floop flee".
Phoebe: Oh, mon Dieu! [Oh, my God]
Joey: "Oh, des foof".

Quote from Dr. Green

Dr. Green: What are you doing here, Geller?
Ross: Well, I came with Rachel, who should be back any second. So what's new?
Dr. Green: Oh, I had a little heart attack.
Ross: Right. Is it painful?
Dr. Green: What? The heart attack or sitting here talking to you?
Ross: Let's see if we can get that Rachel back in here.
Dr. Green: So what's new with you, Geller? Knocked up any more of my daughters lately?
Ross: Nope. Just the one. Rach!

Quote from Ross

Ross: Rach, I think I'm gonna wait out here because my throat is feeling a little scratchy, I don't wanna infect him.
Rachel: Ross, please, don't be so scared of him.
Ross: I am not scared of him, I'm really sick.
Nurse: He's still under sedation, so he's pretty much out.
Ross: I'm feeling better.

Quote from Ross

Ross: You had a rough day, huh?
Rachel: Yeah, it's just so weird seeing him like that, you know? I mean, he's a doctor, you don't expect doctors to get sick.
Ross: But we do.

Quote from Joey

Casting Director: Good job, little buddy. That was some really good French. But I think we're gonna go with someone else for the part.
Joey: Oh, all right. But my French was good?
Casting Director: It was great.
Joey: Oh, ha, ha. See?
Phoebe: Merci, au revoir. [Thank you, good bye.]
Joey: Yeah. "Toot des le fruit".

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: [in a French accent] Uh, excuse me? Uh, I am Regine Phalange. I was passing by when I heard this man speaking the regional dialect of my French town of ... Estée Lauder.
Casting Director: You really think this man is speaking French?
Phoebe: Ecoutez, je vais vous dire la vérité. C'est mon petit frère. Il est un peu retardé. Alors si vous pouviez jouer le jeu avec lui. [Listen, I'm going to tell you the truth. This is my little brother. He is a little retarded. So, if you could, just play along with him.]

Quote from Joey

Phoebe: Hey, Joey. Listen, I feel really badly about yesterday and I thought it about a lot- No, I was too inpatient. So let's try it again.
Joey: Oh no, that's okay. I don't need your help. I worked on it myself and I gotta say I am pretty good.
Phoebe: Really? Can I hear some of it?
Joey: Sure, sure. Okay. "Bleh des la bleh, des bloo blah bleh".
Phoebe: See? Alright, you're not- You're not- You're- Again, you're not speaking French!

Quote from Joey

Phoebe: Je m'appelle Claude.
Joey: "Je des core bleu".
Phoebe: No. Okay, maybe if we just break it down. Okay, let's just try it one syllable at a time. Okay, so repeat after me.
Phoebe: Je.
Joey: Je.
Phoebe: m'a.
Joey: m'a.
Phoebe: pelle.
Joey: pelle.
Phoebe: Great, okay, faster.
Phoebe: Je.
Joey: Je.
Phoebe: m'a.
Joey: m'a.
Phoebe: pelle.
Joey: pelle.
Phoebe: Je m'apelle.
Joey: "Mi poo poo."

Quote from Phoebe

Rachel: How is the honeymoon?
Phoebe: Oh, incredible. Oh, champagne, candle lit dinners and moonlight walks on the beach. It was so romantic.
Chandler: So, where's Mike?
Phoebe: Oh, he's at the doctor's. He didn't poop the whole time we were there.

Quote from Ross

Joey: Well, anyway, I'm glad you're back. I really need your help.
Phoebe: Oh, why? What's up?
Joey: Well, I have an audition for this play and for some of them would have to speak French, which according to my resume, I'm fluent in.
Ross: Joey, you shouldn't lie on your resume.
Monica: Yeah, you really shouldn't. By the way, how was that year-long dig in Cairo?
Ross: It was okay.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: I did not know you spoke French.
Phoebe: Oui, bien sur je parle Français. Qu'est-ce que tu penses alors? [Yes, of course I speak French, What did you think?]
Rachel: Oh, you're so sexy.
Joey: Well, so will you help me? I really wanna be in this play.
Phoebe: Sure. Tout le plaisir est pour moi, mon ami. [The pleasure is all mine, my friend]
Rachel: Seriously, stop or I'm gonna jump on you.

Quote from Chandler

Ross: So why is Erica coming to visit?
Monica: Well, because we want to get to know her better and because she's never been to NY, so she wants to see all the tourist spots. You know, the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building...
Chandler: Oh, those places. There's always so many people and they're being corralled like cattle. And, you know, there's always some idiot who goes "Moo".
Monica: Well, if it annoys you so much, then why do you do it?

Quote from Rachel

Ross: Oh hi, thanks for showing up 30 minutes late.
Rachel: Ross-
Ross: No, no, I'm sure you have a great excuse. What, was it a hair appointment? A mani-pedi or was there a sale at Barney's?
Rachel: My father had a heart attack ... while I was at Barney's.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Oh, wow, that ear and nose hair trimmer I got him was just money down the drain, huh?

Quote from Dr. Green

Ross: Uh, did the TV wake you?
Dr. Green: No. When you put your feet up on my bed, you tucked on my catheter.
Ross: Ouchy.

Quote from Joey

Phoebe: Okay, it's too hard. I can't teach you. I have to go before pull your head through a wall.
Joey: No, no. Don't go, I need you. My audition is tomorrow. "Je bleu blah. Mi la pee. O blah. Poo."

Quote from Ross

Ross: Wow.
Rachel: What?
Ross: I just can't believe I'm in Rachel Green's room.
Rachel: What do you mean? You have been in my room before.
Ross: [scoffs] Yeah, sure, right. Like I'd ever be in Rachel Green's room.
Rachel: Okay, I gotta tell you, it's really weird when you use my whole name.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Rachel Green is very happy you're in her room.

Quote from Ross

Ross: You are upset about your father and you're feeling vulnerable. And I just don't feel it would be right. I feel like I'd be, you know, taking advantage of you.
Rachel: What? Taking advantage? I'm giving you the advantage. Enjoy.
Ross: Okay, I'm sure it would be great. But I think one of us has to be thinking clearly, so I'm gonna go.
Rachel: Wow. Okay.
Ross: I'll see you in the morning.
Rachel: Mm-hmm.
Ross: Haven't had sex in 4 months. I should get a medal for that!

Quote from Chandler

Erica: Well, if there's anything else you want to know?
Chandler: Oh, uh, okay. Um. Do you mind if I ask you some questions about the father?
Erica: Oh, sure, yeah. Well, he was my high school boyfriend, captain of the football team, really cute. And he got a scholarship and went off to college.
Chandler: That's great.
Erica: Yeah, it's almost definitely him.
Monica: How's that now?
Erica: Well, there's a chance it's another guy. I mean, I've only ever been with two guys, but they sorta overlapped.
Chandler: So, what does the other guy do? Does he go to the college, too?
Erica: No, he's in prison.
Chandler: Oh.
Monica: Well, um, was he falsely accused of something?
Erica: No. He killed his father with a shovel. But other than that he's a great guy.
Chandler: I'll bet his dad doesn't think so.

Quote from Chandler

Monica: Are you awake?
Chandler: Of course I'm awake. Assume from now on that I'm always awake.
Monica: All right, we don't know that it's him. I mean, it could be the football guy.
Chandler: Honey, it's us. Of course it's the shovel killer.
Monica: Well, all right, let's say it is him. Would we not want baby? No. Would we treat him any differently?
Chandler: I'd keep an eye on him. We have to find out which one the father is.
Monica: How?
Chandler: I don't know. They have tests for these things, right?
Monica: Yeah, but maybe we're just overreacting.
Chandler: Easy for you to say. He's a father killer. He probably loves his mommy. He's probably got a tattoo that says "Mom" on the shovel wielding arm.

Quote from Joey

Man on Recording: We'll now count from one to five. Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq.
Joey: "Eh, Bleu, Blah, Floo, Flank".
Man on Recording: Good job.
Joey: Thank you.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Oh, well I think I am, yeah. And I think I'm definitely gonna get the part.
Phoebe: How could you possibly think that?
Joey: For one thing, the guy on the tape said I was doing a good job.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: So, is she gonna take the test?
Monica: No, she doesn't have to. I found out who the father is.
Chandler: Oh, God, it's Shovely Joe, isn't it?
Monica: No, it's not.
Chandler: How do you know?
Monica: Well, it turns out that Erica didn't pay much attention in sex ed class. Because the thing she did with that prison guy would be pretty hard to make a baby that way.
Chandler: Oh, God. What was it? The thing we hardly ever do or the thing we never do?
Monica: The thing we never do.
Chandler: Shovely Joe.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Ross-
Ross: Yes.
Rachel: Just so you know, with us, it's never off the table.
Ross: Damn it, it's never off the table.

Quote from Monica

Ross: Do you guys know where Rachel is?
Monica: No, we haven't seen her since this morning.
Ross: I don't believe it. She was supposed to meet me half an hour ago with Emma.
Monica: Hey. These are for Erica.
Ross: Well, is she gonna eat all those cookies?
Monica: Well, I want the baby to come out all cute and fat.


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