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‘The One with the Stripper’ Quotes

Friends: The One with the Stripper

808. The One with the Stripper

Aired November 15, 2001

Phoebe joins a nervous Rachel at dinner where she plans to tell her father she's pregnant. Meanwhile, feeling bad that he didn't get to enjoy a bachelor party, Monica hires a stripper for Chandler.

Quote from Ross

Mona: How could you have kept all of this from me?
Ross: I was going to tell you, but-
Dr. Green: But what? You figured you'd get what you wanted and then you'd dump her, like you did Rachel.
Ross: Hey, I did not dump Rachel. Nor are we still together. Can l--? Why don't we just let the machine get that.
Joey: [on the answering machine] "Hey, Ross. It's Joey. There's a hooker over here and we thought maybe you'd know something about it."
Ross: No! No! No! No! I need to lie down.

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Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: That's it? You call that a fight? Come on. "We were on a break!" "No we weren't!" What happened to you two?

Quote from Joey

[Rachel is holding up the telephone as her father yells down the line]
Phoebe: Oh, you told your dad the truth.
Rachel: About an hour ago.
Phoebe: Wanna go see a movie?
Rachel: Yes. Bye, Dad.
[A sleepy Joey emerges from his bedroom]
Dr. Green: And then you tell me there's going to be a wedding. It's unacceptable, Rachel. What does love have to do with it? There are more important things than love. You have to think about the consequences of your decisions.
Joey: Hey, I do too think about the consequences of my decisions. Well, what gives you the right to- Go to hell! Stupid guy on my phone.

Quote from Dr. Green

Dr. Green: So, sweetie, you were starting to tell me what is new with you.
Rachel: Well ... Um ... I got TiVo.
Dr. Green: What's TiVo?
Phoebe: It's slang for "pregnant."
Rachel: Phoebe!
Dr. Green: Are you really pregnant?
Rachel: Well, yes and no. Except, not no. So to sum it up, yeah.
Dr. Green: Who is the father? Oh, no, please don't tell me it's her.
Rachel: No, it's Ross. It's Ross. You like Ross. Oh, Daddy, I hope you're okay with all this. I mean, this is a good thing. Think about it, this is your first grandchild! You're gonna be a poppy.
Dr. Green: That's true. I'm a poppy. I'm gonna be a poppy! So when is the wedding?
Rachel: The who?
Dr. Green: The wedding. There's going to be a wedding. Young lady, don't you sit there and tell me my first grandchild is gonna be a bastard! Rachel Karen Green, tell me there's gonna be a wedding!
Rachel: February 2nd.

Quote from Dr. Green

Waiter: Your '74 Lafite, sir.
Dr. Green: '74? I ordered the '75. That's a magnificent wine. The '74 is sewage! Why would you bring me sewage? Is that a hard question? Are you an idiot? Is that why you're a waiter?
Waiter: This is why I told the manager I wouldn't wait on you tonight.
Dr. Green: Oh, come on. Don't be such a baby.

Quote from Phoebe

Rachel: Hey, Pheebs, I'm having dinner with my dad tomorrow. Do you wanna come?
Phoebe: Yeah. Sure. He's kind of sexy.
Rachel: Oh, no. I'll be there too.
Phoebe: Okay, so we'll just come up with some kind of signal. If it's going well, you can take off.

Quote from Phoebe

Rachel: No, Phoebe, I just need you there for support. I haven't told him that I'm pregnant yet.
Phoebe: Oh. Why not?
Rachel: Because I know he's gonna flip out and I hate it when he gets angry.
Phoebe: Rachel, this is all so "Papa Don't Preach."

Quote from Phoebe

Rachel: No, he's a scary guy. One time, he caught me smoking. He said if he ever saw me doing it again, he'd make me eat the entire pack.
Phoebe: Wow. Well, I will be there. Gosh, I'm not going to let that man make you eat your baby.

Quote from Joey

Chandler: I thought we weren't going to have bachelor, bachelorette parties. You know, we agreed that it was a silly tradition.
Joey: It's a grand tradition.

Quote from Dr. Green

Dr. Green: How about I order everyone the Moroccan chicken.
Phoebe: Oh, I don't eat meat.
Dr. Green: It's chicken.
Phoebe: Yeah, I don't eat that either.
Dr. Green: I'll never understand you lesbians.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: This was such a huge mistake. I can't tell him, Phoebe. I can't. I can't. I can't.
Phoebe: Rachel, no it's okay-
Rachel: Here's what's gonna happen. I'm gonna wait a couple of years, and then the baby will tell him.
Phoebe: Why? So he can get mad at the baby?
Rachel: Hey, that is the baby's problem.

Quote from Monica

Monica: Oh, my God, you are gonna love me so much. I felt really bad about the whole bachelorette party thing. So tonight you're gonna have a bachelor party.
Chandler: What?
Monica: Yeah, I got this number from a guy at work and I hired a stripper to come dance for you. Am I going in the wife hall of fame or what?

Quote from Joey

Chandler: Honey, that's crazy, I don't want you to get me a stripper.
Joey: Will you let the lady talk?

Quote from Joey

Monica: Who else do you wanna invite?
Chandler: No, no, no. Ross and Joey is embarrassing enough.
Ross: Actually, sorry, I can't even make it. I'm seeing Mona again tonight.
Chandler: I understand. I mean, who would cancel an actual date to go to a fake bachelor party?
Joey: [on the phone] I'm sorry. I gotta cancel tonight, baby.

Quote from Dr. Green

Dr. Green: This is unacceptable, Rachel. And I wanna know why! Is it because that punk, Ross, won't marry you? That's it. Is that it?
Rachel: Yes. Yes. He says I'm damaged goods.

Quote from Dr. Green

Dr. Green: You think you can knock up my daughter and then not marry her? I ought to kill you!
Ross: You know, this is actually not a great time for me.

Quote from Dr. Green

Dr. Green: So, come on. Explain yourself, Geller. First you get my Rachel pregnant.
Mona: You got Rachel pregnant?
Ross: Who did?
Dr. Green: You did!
Ross: Yes, I did. Yes, but it was just a one-night thing. It meant nothing.
Dr. Green: Oh? Really? That's what my daughter means to you, nothing?
Ross: No, no. No, sir. She means a lot to me. I care- I love Rachel.
Mona: What?
Ross: But not that way. I mean, I'm not in love with her. I love her like a friend.
Dr. Green: Oh, really? That's how you treat a friend? You get her in trouble and then refuse to marry her?
Ross: Hey, I offered to marry her.
Mona: What?
Ross: But I didn't want to.
Dr. Green: Well, why not? So you could spend your time with this tramp?
Mona: Tramp?
Ross: I'm sorry. Dr. Green, Mona. Mona, Dr. Green.

Quote from Chandler

Stripper: You mind if I smoke in here?
Chandler: Actually, I'd rather- Yeah, go ahead. We're gonna have to burn that room down, anyway.

Quote from Chandler

Joey: All right, maybe you should just ask her to leave.
Chandler: Why me?
Joey: Hey, it's your bachelor party.
Chandler: Which is why you should do it.
Joey: I don't want to. You do it.
Chandler: You do it.
Joey: You do it.
Chandler: All right. Rock, paper, scissors for who has to tell the whore to leave. ... What?
Joey: I miss this.
Chandler: I don't think we've actually done this before.

Quote from Rachel

Ross: So your dad dropped by. He's a pleasant man.
Rachel: Oh, no.
Phoebe: I better go. Just over here. I don't want to miss the fight.
Rachel: Ross, I am so sorry. Okay, I promise I will straighten this out with him tomorrow, in person. Or via e-mail.
Ross: I don't care about your dad. I care about Mona. She was there and now she is totally freaked out.
Rachel: Oh, okay. I'll fix that too. What's her e-mail address?

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Mona, just hear me out. First of all, I am so sorry about my father yelling at you. But I heard that you totally held your own. You're gonna have to tell me how you did that.

Quote from Rachel

Mona: I just don't want to get in the middle of something so complicated.
Rachel: I get it. But, Mona, what relationship is not complicated? I mean, we all have our baggage. You must too. Why else would you still be single? I'm so gonna leave right now.

Quote from Ross

Mona: Why didn't you just tell me about all this?
Ross: Because, what's going on with Rachel has nothing to do with how I feel about you.
Mona: Well, you still should have told me.
Ross: I know and I was going to, but I thought it was better that heard it from Rachel's father.

Quote from Chandler

Monica: I swear I didn't know she was a hooker. I mean- Did you let her smoke in her?
Chandler: Her ass-print is still on your grandmother's quilt. Do you really want to talk about smoking?

Quote from Phoebe

Rachel: I panicked. I just didn't want him to start yelling at me like I was some '74 Latour.
Phoebe: It's Lafite. The '74 Latour is actually drinking quite nicely.

Quote from Phoebe

Rachel: In case you didn't notice, that is a scary man.
Phoebe: He's right, though. The '74 is absolute piss.

Quote from Joey

Joey: So, you nervous about getting married?
Chandler: What are you doing?
Joey: Look, let's pretend it's a real bachelor party, okay. You know, before your wedding. It'll be more fun.
Chandler: All right. I can't believe tomorrow's the big day.
Joey: How's it feel knowing you're never gonna be with another woman again. Knowing you're going to have to wake up to the same face every day until you finally have the sweet release of death.
Chandler: You're right. This is more fun.


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