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‘Don't Shoot... I'm Only the Psychiatrist’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Don't Shoot... I'm Only the Psychiatrist

1013. Don't Shoot... I'm Only the Psychiatrist

Aired January 2, 1992

Frasier regrets bringing his therapy group to Cheers when they bond with the regulars at his expense. Meanwhile, Woody gives Sam a haircut, and Carla celebrates Elvis' birthday.

Quote from Woody

Woody: I can't believe it. I'm being shunned. Just like back in Hanover. Just like with the Amish.
Norm: Wood? Who, uh, who shunned you back in Hanover?
Woody: The Amish. Weren't you here for this part?

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Quote from Woody

Woody: Yeah, I took my fair share of ribbing back in Hanover.
Norm: Yeah?
Woody: "Little Einstein" they called me. "Mr. Smarty Pants." "Brainiac." Yep. I've heard 'em all.
Norm: Before I die, I got to see that town.

Quote from John Allen Hill

John: Ah, good afternoon, Miss Tortelli.
Carla: Oh, Hill. What, are you on an ugly break?
John: Oh, my. Someone certainly got up on the wrong side of town this morning.
Carla: What's the matter, Hill, your scalp on too tight?
John: Very funny.

Quote from Cliff

Rebecca: So what about you, Cliff?
Cliff: Well, sorry I can't help you. Happy childhood. Well-adjusted, well-liked. Class valedictorian. I'd show you my yearbook, but Ma apparently thought some of the inscriptions were off-color. So she made me eat it. Nope. No problems here.

Quote from Norm

Norm: I hope we weren't too hard on Fras. Well, his being ridiculed in here is one thing, but out in public, that's got to be humiliating.
Rebecca: I know what you're saying.
Norm: Yeah.
Rebecca: You know, when I was a kid, I was the first one in my class to... you know, develop breasts. They teased me the whole year.
Norm: Oh, yeah, me, too.

Quote from Cliff

Frasier: Look, all I'm asking, guys, is that you treat them as if they were at home. You know, they've all been wounded and they're vulnerable, and, well, the truth is, you'll never find a sadder group of people.
Cliff: Oh, yeah? How about the Donner party? Well, you know, they- they got lost in the mountains and had to watch their limbs freeze off while they ate each other.
Frasier: Well, you caught me. Cannibalism is sadder than low self-esteem.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Hey, guys. I brought in some leftover birthday cake from the party. Thought you might like to share it.
Rebecca: Whose birthday, one of your kids?
Carla: Yeah, right. You see a file in it? Today happens to be Elvis Presley's birthday.
Norm: Oh, celebrating the birthday of a dead guy? That's kind of ghoulish, isn't it? I don't know how you could stomach something like that.
Carla: It's double mocha chocolate fudge.
Norm: Long live the King.
Carla: Those of us who keep the faith believe that on this day he's going to make his presence known.
Cliff: Yeah, uh, how's he going to do that?
Carla: Well, it could be anything: song on the radio, whisper in the wind, just something that unmistakably says "Elvis." [Norm belches] The early Elvis.

Quote from Sam

Sam: I can't believe it.
Woody: What is it, Sam?
Sam: [clearing throat] Oh Tony, my hairstylist. He's making a left on Boylston and this bus cut him off. Car jumped the curb, and he slammed into this hot dog stand and ended up in the middle of the pond in the public gardens. He's at the hospital now with two broken legs. Got to cancel my hair appointment. I hate it when stuff like that happens to me.

Quote from Rebecca

Frasier: Greetings, all. I have a brief announcement. You may recall last year I brought in my dysfunctional men's group. Well, unfortunately, my low self-esteem group heard about it and now they think they're not good enough.
Rebecca: So you're bringing them here?
Frasier: Well, I'd like the group to get used to a normal, healthy, social environment.
Rebecca: So you're bringing them here?

Quote from Carla

Rebecca: Carla, what's the date?
Carla: Don't you know? [chuckling] Rebecca, on this date in 1935, Elvis Aaron Presley was born. A man who was destined to change the shape of popular music. A man who captured the hearts of America. A man who, through his music...
Phil: Can I have my drink?
Carla: [throws Phil's drink in his face] ...taught us all the meaning of love.

Quote from Woody

Woody: Sam, look, all right, let me just trim the back, just to get it off the collar so you don't have to listen to it. So we don't have to listen to it.
Sam: All right, just the back, though. This is what we're gonna need: sterile tungsten steel scissors, English bone comb 36-39 times, and a conditioner with a pro-vitamin B-5 keratin complex. Got that?
Woody: And this little tool of the trade.
Sam: Take the bowl off the head.
Woody: [laughs] Sam, it's just a little barber humor. [chuckles] Come on! No, it's, like, uh... All right, what do you say to someone who just had their ears lowered? Oh, darn, I blew the joke.

Quote from Lilith

Lilith: Frasier, I must restate my objection to your bringing them here. As I've said previously, this is an extremely risky and somewhat frivolous experiment, which could have negative repercussions.
Frasier: Oh, Wilma, loosen up the bone a little!
Lilith: This is an uncontrolled environment which could easily get out of hand. And who's this Wilma?

Quote from Frasier

Cliff: So, uh, you're the guys with low self-esteem, huh? Yeah, well, luckily, I don't have that problem. But then again, how could l? What, with a cerebral cortex that's eight percent larger than the average human's. Don't look, you can't tell.
Derek: Excuse me, do you wear that mailman uniform every day?
Cliff: Yes, I do. And proudly.
Derek: Do you live with your mother?
Cliff: Well, uh... yeah. Yeah.
Derek: Hey, guys, it's Mr. X.
Frasier: Uh, gentlemen, let me show you the pool room. [chuckles] Quickly.
Derek: [quietly] That's the guy...
Frasier: Come along.
Derek: And that must be Mr. X's fat friend, Mr. Y, at the end of the bar!

Quote from Norm

Paul: Want to go over and say hi, make 'em feel more at home?
Norm: I don't know, those guys are wrapped up pretty tight. Who knows how loony they could get? They might be dangerous.
Cliff: They might buy us a beer.
Norm: I'll do anything to promote mental health.

Quote from Frasier

Cliff: Hey, remember the time Fras fell asleep, and we, we put his hand in that warm glass of water?
Paul: That's the first time I ever saw that work.
Frasier: Okay, we can stop this now.
Norm: Hey, remember that time Carla put the green, uh, marble in his martini glass?
Frasier: Carla did that? I broke a crown.
Cliff: Well, how about the time he, he leaned over his mai tai and, uh, poked his eye with the umbrella.
Frasier: Look, there is nothing amusing about corneal abrasion.
Derek: How about the time at group when he leaned back in his chair to make a dramatic gesture and he got stuck in the Venetian blinds.
Norm: He did?!
Paul: Now that's funny.

Quote from Woody

Woody: Hey, Sam, I hope you're not still mad at me about that haircut thing. Nice hat, by the way. You know, my cousin Elmore had a hunting cap just like that. Of course he decorated it with deer antlers. Big mistake.

Quote from Sam

Woody: Sam, I've really enjoyed the way you've been pretending I'm a bug and everything. But I'm not a bug; I'm Woody. [Sam sprays Woody with bug spray]
Woody: Sam, where I come from, we have a saying, "An eye for an eye." The point being, of course, you're supposed to shave my head, not shave out my eye.
Sam: [shaver buzzing] Oh, man. This is stupid. [buzzing stops] I don't want to cut your hair.
Woody: You don't?
Sam: No.
Woody: So you forgive me?
Sam: Yeah, let's just just forget about the whole thing, all right?
Woody: That that is real noble, Sam. I mean, here I wrecked your hair, your your beautiful, beautiful hair, the one thing you care most about in the whole world, and yet, you're willing to forgive me. I mean, you know, every time you look in the mirror, you're gonna be reminded of what I did to you, and yet, you say it's okay. I have never liked you more than I do right now, Sam... ridiculous haircut and all.
Sam: Woody, come in the office with me, just for a second.
Woody: Sure, why?
Sam: No reason. [shaver buzzing]

Quote from Carla

Rebecca: Carla, it's almost midnight. Any sign?
Carla: [sighs] Not one blue suede shoe. I guess Elvis has disappointed me again.
Rebecca: Well, I'm sure the King had a lot of other people to visit around the world.
Carla: Yeah, well, he isn't showing up here or anywhere else tonight. [blows out candles]
Delivery Guy: [enters] Uh, I have flowers for a Miss Tortelli.
Carla: That's me.
Delivery Guy: Here you go.
Carla: Oh. Thanks. "Carla, I wonder if you're lonesome tonight. The King." [gasps] Oh, my God. Oh! I knew it. I knew I knew he'd come through. I knew he wouldn't let me down.
Rebecca: But just a minute ago, you know, you started to doubt that...
Carla: I did not doubt. I never doubted. I'm going home, Becs. I'm going home. I'm gonna stay up all night. I'm gonna listen to every record Elvis ever made, even "In the Ghetto."

Quote from John Allen Hill

John: Uh, Miss Howe, did Miss Tortelli get the flowers?
Rebecca: Yes, she did. In fact, she just ran up the stairs.
John: Ah.
Rebecca: Did you send those?
John: Yes, I did, but those were just for starters. This will really push her over the edge. [puts on an Elvis wig]

Quote from John Allen Hill

John: Free this evening?
Carla: Just get it through your hairy ears, whatever happened between us was strictly a seven-night stand.
John: Oh. You're forgetting...
Carla: All right, seven nights, two lunch breaks, and a bus ride.
John: I love slumming with you.
Carla: Well, just forget it. Today is Elvis' birthday, and I'm not interested. Get out of here.
John: Okay, but if you change your mind, you know where you can get me. Good Lord, do you know where to get me. Woof!

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