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‘Woody or Won't He’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Cheers: Woody or Won't He

817. Woody or Won't He

Aired February 8, 1990

When Woody meets Kelly's mother, he is relieved to have found a Gaines family member who doesn't hate him. Meanwhile, Cheers gets a mechanical bull.

Quote from Woody

Woody: Oh, I hope it's a mesquite grill. Then I could make a mess of Aunt Lou's baby back ribs.
Rebecca: It is not a mesquite grill, Woody. It's a mechanical bull.
Woody: Well, it's just as well. Aunt Lou's ribs weren't all that good. Come to think of it, she choked on one of them. Just her luck... It was a week before the Heimlich maneuver came out.


Quote from Kelly

Kelly: Oh, I almost forgot. Sam.
Sam: Yeah?
Kelly: You're invited to come Saturday, too. After all, you're almost a member of the family. Mother, Sam was the one who introduced Woody and me.
Sam: Actually, no, I didn't.
Kelly: You didn't?
Sam: No.
Kelly: Oh, gee, it would be rude to un-invite you now, so l... l guess we're stuck. Well, we'll see you.

Quote from Woody

Woody: Mrs. Gaines! Jiminy Cricket! Criminy's sake! I don't mean to use foul language, Mrs. Gaines, but, I mean, you've really upset my apple cart.

Quote from Woody

Roxanne: Now, Woody, Kelly tells me you're resistant to coming to her sister's wedding this weekend.
Kelly: Mom, Woody's self-conscious. He always feels that he sticks out like a sore thumb and makes a fool out of himself.
Roxanne: Why is that, Woody?
Woody: Well, there has been a precedent set. Although I think your gazebo would've burned down whether I'd been there or not.

Quote from Woody

Roxanne: Well, Woody, we'd all like you to be there. In fact, you're invited to the rehearsal dinner, as well. Saturday night, 7:00, Kelly's father's house. You've met Mr. Gaines, haven't you?
Woody: Met him? Heck, I almost broke his big toe.
Lilith: Woody, you didn't know Daddy was standing behind us when you pulled the van out.
Woody: Well, yeah, I did. I just thought he took a smaller shoe.

Quote from Sam

Woody: Hey, Sam, you know, I was looking in the dining room earlier. Why the heck do they have two forks at everybody's place?
Sam: Well, now, Woody, that's 'cause, uh... Well, if you drop one, you got yourself a spare.
Woody: Well, that makes sense, but why is one smaller than the other?
Sam: Well, that's in case you drop that one, too, it won't make as much noise.

Quote from Rebecca

Rebecca: Brother. I work for the stupidest corporation in America.
Carla: You'd have to.
Sam: What's the matter, sweetheart?
Rebecca: All right. Get this. One of their restaurants, some hick dive in Texas specializing in Fillet aux Armadillo, has gone belly-up, so they want to stick us with the one piece of equipment that they couldn't seem to liquidate.

Quote from Woody

Woody: Mrs. Gaines, thank you for helping me adjust my napkin, but it's really not necessary. By the way, I don't usually wear it tucked in quite so far.
Roxanne: Is there something about me that makes you nervous, Woody?
Woody: Well, I don't know. The things you say, your hands, your coconut-cracking thighs.
Roxanne: Then you have no problem with my feet.
Woody: Mrs. Gaines, stop it! I'm not having sex with you! I won't have sex with you! I won't! I won't! I won't! No sex! Do you hear me? Now I want both hands and both feet on the table right now!
[After Woody sits down and starts eating again, everyone around the table is staring at him]
Woody: Kelly, am I using the wrong fork or something?

Quote from Carla

Carla: Hey, aren't you Phil, the tire distributor from Rhode Island?
Man: Look, lady, if you've got problems with your wheels, talk to your dealer.
Carla: No. I'm Carla. Remember? We went out a couple of times. It must've been years ago.
Man: I'm sorry. I don't remember.
Carla: Yeah. I guess it's been a while. You were still pushing whitewalls. Maybe this will jog your memory. Art's Hideaway Adult Motel?
Man: I'm sorry. Look, in the tire game, you meet a lot of women.
Carla: Yeah, but you can't have forgotten. Mirror on the ceiling?
Man: No.
Carla: Vibrating bed? Latin love basket? The trick with the tie?
Man: That was you?
Carla: Yeah. Oh, God, that was one steamy night, wasn't it, Phil?
Man: Oh, God, I'll say.
Carla: Yeah.
Man: Hey, look, um, I got a few hours to kill. Why don't we hit old Art's for a little reunion?
Carla: Hey, what kind of girl do you think I am?! I am a widow! Get outta here, you pig! You make me sick!

Quote from Cliff

Norm: Well, I have to say, those mechanical bulls are the most useless thing ever put in a bar.
Cliff: Now, now, Norm.
Norm: OK. Present company excepted, OK?
Cliff: Thank you, Norm.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: I don't know. I think there may be a place for a mechanical bull in our recreational schemata. It does, after all, provide modern man with a socially acceptable release for sexual tension and frustration.
Cliff: Riding one of those bulls can do that, Fras?
Frasier: Oh, hell, no, but catch a well-built young woman sometime bouncing around on the back of one, though. Whew! Get along, little dogie.

Quote from Woody

Woody: You know, I can't afford to make a mistake here. Kelly's mom just flew in this afternoon, and Kelly's bringing her by to meet me. It's crucial that I make a good impression.
Norm: Wait a second. I thought you knew her mom.
Woody: No. They're divorced. In fact, Kelly's mom is the only member of her family who I haven't met. Yeah, God. She's my last hope.
Sam: You're telling me that not one member of that family likes you?
Woody: Well, there's her Aunt Martha. She likes me.
Norm: Well, there you go.
Woody: She also thinks she's Eleanor Roosevelt. But if you get past that, she's pretty nice, what with all her charity work.

Quote from Woody

Woody: I was just having trouble tying this tie. Is my face getting purple?
Kelly: No, Woody. You look nice, but are you OK? You seem a little uncomfortable.
Woody: Well, yeah. It's, uh, brand-new underwear. I don't think I got all the stickers off.

Quote from Woody

Woody: Listen, to tell you the truth, Mrs. Gaines, I was real nervous about meeting you.
Roxanne: Oh! Whatever for?
Woody: Well, it's just that the rest of Kelly's family hates me. It's probably because I'm a bartender with no real future. Just a poor country bumpkin who's dumber than cotton.
Roxanne: Woody, I think you're a very nice young man.
Woody: Really? Well then forget all that bad stuff I said.

Quote from Norm

Rebecca: Come on, you cowboys! As long as that dumb thing's set up back there anyway, don't you wanna prove how macho you are by climbing aboard?
Norm: Hey, come on, Rebecca! We do not need a mechanical bull to prove how macho we are, okay? We are just as much men sitting right here on this bar stool, which, by the way, needs to be re-padded. My tush hurts. Really.

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