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‘Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh

821. Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh

Aired March 15, 1990

When the statue of Tecumseh disappears from Cheers, Sam and the guys are sure Gary had something to do with it.

Quote from Woody

Carla: What are you talking about? This is St. Paddy's Day. It's one of the busiest nights of the year. It's when Gary wheels out the big guns.
Sam: He can't do anything worse to us than he did last year. Remember that? The place was packed and Gary and his goons filled our stairwell with potatoes.
Woody: Yeah, and just my luck I was sitting on the bottom step tying my shoe at the time. Lucky for me you guys were able to dig me out. I'd hate to be the second member of my family buried alive by potatoes.

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Quote from Woody

Norm: Guys, guys, we're going nuts here. I tell you, man, it's just sheer luck that no one was hurt in this situation, other than Rebecca.
Cliff: Wait, wait, wait, wait. This might be part of Gary's master plan.
Norm: What?
Cliff: Keep us on the edge, off balance.
Woody: Yeah. Mr. Clavin's right. I think Gary's probably playing with us, like a rat with a mouse.
Sam: That's a cat and mouse, Woody. Cat and mouse.
Woody: Sam, a cat and a mouse don't play together. They're mortal enemies. They don't even know the same games. Think before you speak, Sam.

Quote from Norm

Norm: [enters] Morning, everyone.
All: Norm!
Sam: What are you up to, Norm?
Norm: My ideal weight if I were 11 feet tall.

Quote from Lilith

Sam: So you don't have any relatives or friends you can ask to watch the baby?
Frasier: Oh, I'd gladly ask my parents. Of course, they're dead. Well, as for friends, l... [looks around the bar] well...
Sam: Sorry. Stupid question.
Lilith: Frasier, good news. I finally found a woman with whom we can leave our baby for one night.
Frasier: Oh, great. Tell me about her.
Lilith: Well, she's 79 years old, she can't see her hands without her glasses, but she assures me she can smell smoke.
Frasier: Lilith, this is wonderful. At last we'll have a night alone together.
Lilith: Yes, it's just what we need. Our relationship is at a point where the rekindling of romance is both appropriate and welcome, to say nothing of timely.
Frasier: Stop, Lilith. You're getting me hot. [they walk out together]

Quote from Frasier

Norm: Hey, Cliffie. Your beer taste a little flat today?
Cliff: No.
Norm: I don't know. Seems like it's off by maybe a hop or two.
Cliff: Well, it probably has something to do with that new pasteurization process. You know, they put it in big sterilized vats... Ah, who gives a hoot?
Frasier: What, no long-winded explanation? Cliff just isn't himself today.
Woody: Well, it's not just Mr. Clavin. I'm feeling a little strange, too. In fact, this whole place feels weird.
Frasier: Well, you know, Woody, the Japanese believe that every house has its own energy, what they call its "wah". Now, Eastern culture submits that if this "wah" is somehow in disorder, everyone that enters therein will feel a sense of disconnection.
Woody: Mr. Clavin, I know why you're not yourself. Dr. Crane is yourself.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Ah, St. Paddy's Day, the day St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. Boy, if that isn't the biggest Freudian dream of all time.

Quote from Lilith

Lilith: Hello, duckling.
Frasier: Sugar pants. I've been anxiously awaiting our appointed rendezvous.
Woody: Hey, Dr. Crane, Mrs. Dr. Crane. So you guys are here on your night off, huh?
Lilith: You have a marvelous grasp of the obvious.
Woody: Well, that's what comes from working with your hands. So what are you guys going to do?
Frasier: Well, we plan to recreate our very first liaison. If memory serves, we began with a lovely meal at Melville's and then an after-dinner drink here, and then we adjourned to Lilith's tastefully decorated condominium, where we engaged in an evening of lovemaking, which I might say was rather... Meaningful, not to mention sweet and sweaty.
Lilith: Well, I'm not hungry, you've had your drink. I say we jump right to the final stop on our itinerary.
Frasier: Do you think the people who live in that condominium now would mind?
Lilith: I don't see why. We're an attractive couple.

Quote from Woody

Norm: So, we have any retaliation from the old Garmeister?
Sam: No, no, no, but that's because we outsmarted them once again. We had a man inside the whole time.
Norm: Hey, hey.
Woody: Yep. I stood exactly where Tecumseh stands all night long. It's given me a new appreciation for Tecumseh and everything he does for us.
Carla: You stood there all night long? What a stupid thing to do.
Woody: Oh, yeah? I stand there for one night and you think that's stupid? He stands there for years and you rub him for luck. Who's the stupid one, Carla?

Quote from Norm

Norm: Well, one thing is clear. He is going to retaliate, OK? In fact, he may have already put some deadly plan in action. This beer you just poured me, Sam, could be filled with toxins.
Alan: So what do we do?
Norm: We take our chances. [drinks]

Quote from Carla

Carla: 5 more Irish coffees, Woody.
Woody: Oh, gosh, I wish Sam would hurry back from Gary's. I'm at my wits' end here.
Carla: How can you tell?

Quote from Sam

Norm: What the hell?
Sam: Guys, we're talking about my hair here.
Cliff: Oh, yeah. So?
Sam: Without my hair, I'd be just... Just one of you guys.
Norm: Pardon me, Sammy, if that fails to bring a tear to my eye!
Sam: Fellas, I tried to do it, but I swear to God, man, I love my hair.

Quote from Norm

Rebecca: Damn it. These decorations are all wrong. This is St. Patrick's Day, the busiest night of the year, and our name is misspelled on every single item. "Faith and begorrah from your friends at Chees."
Carla: Rebecca, the decorations are the least of our problems.
Norm: I agree.
Rebecca: You're right, Norm. I think unpaid bar tabs come a lot higher on our priority list.
Norm: Damn it! Would you look how they misspelled Cheers! Can you believe it?

Quote from Carla

Carla: Apologize. A lot of good that would do. Gary just gets meaner when he smells weakness. I got to respect the guy.

Quote from Woody

Cliff: Hey, Woody, open that door there and see if Gary's done anything to the outside of the bar, will ya?
Woody: Snow. Gary made it snow.
Carla: Gary can't make it snow, grain brain.
Woody: Oh, it's a good thing, 'cause we'd never be able to top that.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Look, I just can't help it, Sam. It's this waiting. It's making me crazy. Hey, you know Gary. He always retaliates and with great cruelty and force and always within 24 hours. Boy, I really do respect that guy.

Quote from Carla

Frasier: Sam, uh, more change, please.
Sam: Boy, Lilith's really burning up the phone there. What's the matter?
Frasier: Oh, you don't want to hear about our troubles. Well, then again, since I've suffered through so many of yours... We're having a devil of a time finding a baby-sitter for little Frederick. Jeez, what we wouldn't give to get away together.
Carla: Oh, me, too. I live for that.
Frasier: Really? You could use a vacation?
Carla: No. I want you guys to go away.

Quote from Rebecca

Rebecca: Well, this year, things are going to be different. Now, after that potato incident, I went over there and I had a little I chat with Gary. I said we gotta cool it 'cause this stuff is ruining our business, and he agreed. So we drew up this little document to that effect. "We, the managers of Cheers and Gary's Olde Towne Tavern, do solemnly swear to cut it out."
Frasier: That ought to hold up in court.
Rebecca: I have to do something about these decorations.
Sam: You mean to replace them?
Rebecca: No, there's no time for that. I have to go to the deli and buy some cheese. People will be expecting it.

Quote from Norm

Sam: Fill up your beer for you there, Norm?
Norm: No, thanks. I'm not quite finished with this one. [everyone stares at Norm] I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I'm full!
Sam: Aw, man, that's it. What's going on around here today? Everybody's acting weird. It's time to give old Tecumseh a belly rub.
Norm: There you go.
Pete: Who's Tecumseh?
Carla: The old wooden Indian by the door.
Pete: Isn't that Phil?
Sam: Where... Where is he? Did you guys move him? Well... spread out. We got to find him here, guys. This is very weird.
Norm: I could swear I saw him here yesterday and the day before, and the day before that. No, no, no. That was me.

Quote from Norm

Alan: Sammy, he's not here.
Sam: Who in his right mind would want to walk off with Tecumseh?
All: Gary.
Sam: Oh, man. Boy, you know, fun is fun, and I like being humiliated as much as the next guy, but... Yeah, but this, taking Tecumseh, that... That crosses the line.
Norm: Sammy's right! I tell you, he can take Cliffie, he can strip him naked, he can paint him green, tie him up like a shamrock, drag him through the streets of Boston, but this is going too far.
Cliff: This time... It's personal.

Quote from Norm

Carla: Yo, caballeros. Did you head them off at the pass?
Sam: Oh, yeah. Yeah. We just shut down Gary's Olde Towne Tavern on one of the busiest bar nights of the year. [all cheer]
Cliff: Yep.
Sam: Yeah, we got padlocks on all the doors, front and back. We got toxic spill warning signs. We have police tapes blocking off all the entrances. People are gonna be afraid to drive down the streets. [cheering]
Cliff: And to top it all off, my friend Normie sent 38 pizzas over to Gary's house.
Norm: Actually, I sent them over to my house. So if anyone wants to come over, come on, we gotta get to them before Vera, otherwise we got nothing left but the crust.

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