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‘Money Dearest’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Money Dearest

503. Money Dearest

Aired October 9, 1986

Cliff has the idea of setting his mother, Esther Clavin (Frances Sternhagen), up with a wealthy widower, Duncan Fitzgerald (Richard Erdman). 

Quote from Esther Clavin

Woody: So I guess Mr. Clavin's told you a lot about us, huh?
Esther Clavin: No, actually, Clifford doesn't talk much around the house.
Norm: That Cliff?
Esther Clavin: That's right. Some days, not a peep. Of course, the same thing occurs in nature, too. It's a little-known fact that arctic wolves that remained in the den too long exhibited a tendency to be reticent in their howling.
Norm: Ah.
Esther Clavin: Now, when I read that...

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Quote from Woody

Woody: You know, funerals are a lot different here than they are back home.
Norm: Yeah? How's that, Woody?
Woody: Well, where I come from, when somebody dies, people come from miles around, bake lots of pies, bring all kinds of food, make speeches, ride the roller coaster. Oh, wait, that might be the state fair.

Quote from Esther Clavin

Esther Clavin: Hi, there.
Cliff: Ma, what took you so long to get down here?
Esther Clavin: Well, I wanted to look my best for your friends.
Cliff: And this is two hours' worth? Uh, Ma, this is Cheers.
Esther Clavin: Yeah, this is the odor I'm always washing out of your shirts.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Hey, uh, Normie, you should have seen this 3-D movie they had about life in Vancouver. You know, with those glasses on, you felt like you were really there.
Norm: You were there, Cliff.
Woody: I've been readin' up on Expo. Did you catch that bullet train they got there?
Cliff: No, I guess I missed that one.
Woody: Did you see the Great Hall of Ramses?
Cliff: Uh, no, no, I guess that slid right by me yeah.
Woody: Uh, how about the U.S. space exhibit?
Cliff: No.
Woody: Chinese acrobats?
Cliff: Uh-uh.
Sam: Hey, Cliff! How was Expo?
Cliff: A major disappointment, Sam.

Quote from Esther Clavin

Esther Clavin: [to Duncan] Oh, what lovely buttons. Did you know that buttons on a man's jacket sleeve have absolutely no purpose? They originated on the uniforms of Napoleon's army when he discovered that his soldiers were using their sleeves to wipe their noses.
Cliff: [to the guys] Oh, she's gonna flap her gums all the way to the poorhouse.

Quote from Frasier

Sam: Then she says to her girlfriend, "Maybe so, but this one's eating my popcorn." [laughter]
Frasier: Okay, okay, I guess it's time for me to take off the psychiatrist's cap and tell one of my own.
Sam: All right!
Frasier: All right, well, it seems there's these two men stranded on a deserted island. Doug and Dave. Oh, oh, wait, wait, wait. This is better with dialects. Uh... Okay, so an lrishman and a Dane are stranded on a- No, wait a second. l- l don't do Danish. Um Okay! An Irishman and a Swede.
Sam: All right.
Frasier: That's it. Patrick and Lars. So Lars turns to Patrick one day, and he goes, uh [Swedish accent] "How much water have you left?" [laughter] Oh, no, gee, wait a second. l- l think one of them's supposed to be a rabbi.

Quote from Esther Clavin

Esther Clavin: Oh, well. Life goes on. I guess I have to accept the fact that I'm not the type that good things happen to.
Cliff: Well, I don't know, Ma. I mean, there was, uh, one good thing that happened to you about, uh, well, 37 years ago.
Esther Clavin: There certainly was. Not many women get to shake hands with Bing Crosby.
Cliff: [clears thorat] Well, there you are, huh?
Esther Clavin: Oh, Cliff, you know I mean you. You're my pride and joy. You're the best thing that ever happened to me. Gee, think of that.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Hey, Normie, Normie, things are going very smoothly. Yeah, yeah, I think Fitz might donate some money to, uh, my favorite charity.
Norm: Yeah? What's that?
Cliff: Save the Clavin Foundation.

Quote from Sam

Diane: Anyway, Sam, should we have a big wedding?
Sam: No, no, I think we should have a military one. All 21 guns aimed at the bride.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Sammy is there a tear in my eye?
Sam: No, no.
Cliff: Are there dollar signs in my eyes?
Sam: Yeah, I think there are, Cliffy.

Quote from Carla

Esther Clavin: It was a lovely service. And, Diane, your choice of poem was wonderful.
Diane: Thank you. I just wish I hadn't been cut off right in the middle.
Carla: We had to. The eternal flame was starting to go out.

Quote from Carla

Woody: Hey, Mr. Clavin's back.
Cliff: Whatta you say, Woody?
Woody: How was your trip to Expo?
Cliff: Oh, a once-in-a-lifetime experience. I tell ya. You know, no ears have heard, no eyes have seen the wonders I've experienced these past two weeks in Canada. If I died right now, I'd be a happy person.
Carla: You wouldn't be the only one.

Quote from Frasier

Norm: So, uh, who's the geezer?
Woody: That's Mr. Fitzgerald. He's come in every day for the past two weeks and bought drinks for everybody.
Cliff: Yeah?
Woody: Gee, he's a heck of a guy.
Frasier: You know, I think, in many ways, Mr. Fitzgerald and I are alike. We both come here seeking warmth and camaraderie. A safe haven from the outside world. You know, a place where you can always feel welcome.
Paul: Excuse me, pal, you're on my stool.
Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Yeah, so, uh, you, uh, you live in the neighborhood?
Duncan: Well, I just moved here. I was originally from Michigan.
Cliff: The, uh, Wolverine State, huh? Interesting, interesting. So, I hear you're stinkin' rich.
Norm: Real smooth, Cliff. Very smooth. Uh, Fitz is actually kind of a minor celebrity, I guess. He invented a little something we call the, uh, the refill, right? Is that right? No, no, no, no. It wasn't the refill. It was...
Duncan: The metal vapor input valve. It's, uh, used on most, uh, commercial and military jet engines.
Cliff: Oh, yeah. I never step on a plane without lookin' right out on that wing and see if there's one out there.
Duncan: Actually, it's located in the tail.
Cliff: Uh, well, yeah, yeah. It's, uh, 'cause if ya saw it on the wing, then you'd know you were in a lot of trouble, huh?

Quote from Esther Clavin

Cliff: Well, look who's here. Ma, I'd like you to meet a dear, dear, old, very close friend of mine. Mr. Fitzgerald, this is my ma, Esther Clavin.
Duncan: Nice to meet you.
Cliff: Duncan here's originally from Michigan, Ma.
Esther Clavin: Oh.
Cliff: Here, have a seat. Yeah, my ma's been to your home state.
Duncan: Oh, really?
Esther Clavin: No, I've been to Maine and Montana, but not Michigan.
Cliff: [forced laugh] Isn't that fascinating, huh?
Esther Clavin: Perhaps, if you live in a cave.
Cliff: [laughs] Isn't she a firecracker?

Quote from Esther Clavin

Sam: Uh, say, Mrs. Clavin, uh, did you know that Fitz over there invented a technical gizmo on jet airplanes?
Esther Clavin: Oh, really?
Cliff: Yeah, yeah, what a coincidence, huh, Ma? You've, uh, you've ridden in jet planes before, haven't you?
Esther Clavin: No, I walked to Montana.

Quote from Sam

Cliff: Hey, Sammy! Have you heard the latest in the, uh, Ma-Fitz romance?
Sam: No, no. What's goin' on?
Cliff: Yeah, they're celebratin' their first week together with a picnic on the Charles.
Sam: Whoa, the Charles! Boy, that's the make-out capital of the world. And if he does as well as I do, there's gonna be a lotta panting and rolling around... [off Cliff's look] And shopping. There's a mall right next to the Charles.

Quote from Esther Clavin

Cliff: Giving money away?
Duncan: Actually it was your mother's idea.
Cliff: Ma's?
Esther Clavin: I didn't want Duncan to have any doubts about my feelings.
Cliff: How are you two gonna live?
Duncan: Well, I'm not gonna give it all away. I'll keep enough for the two of us to be comfortable. We're simple people, we don't need much to live.
Esther Clavin: And you're self-sufficient, not to mention that postal pension you're always bragging about.

Quote from Carla

Cliff: I guess I just forgot how much Ma means to me. Yeah, I'll have the party for her sake. It'll just have to be the economy version. You know, no frills.
Sam: Well, if it'll help out, we'll close the bar early, and you can have it here.
Cliff: Why, thank you, Samuel. That's very nice of you. Hey! Hey, wait a second. Who knows, when Fitz sees what a nice guy I am, maybe he'll, uh, remember me in his will.
Carla: Yeah. "To the idiot son of my new wife, I leave squat."

Quote from Cliff

Woody: Uh, Mr. Clavin, some of your guests have been asking if they can take the plastic wrap off the food.
Cliff: Huh. Don't they understand? When food is exposed to air, just about anything can happen.
Norm: Yeah, people could eat it.
Cliff: Yeah, yeah, yeah, very funny, wise guy. Oink, oink, Mr. Peterson. Let's have a little restraint. This food's got to last us the rest of the night.

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