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‘I'm Okay, You're Defective’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: I'm Okay, You're Defective

1011. I'm Okay, You're Defective

Aired December 5, 1991

After months of struggling to conceive, Rebecca urges Sam to see a fertility specialist. Meanwhile, Lilith pushes Frasier to draft a will even though he's afraid to contemplate death.

Quote from Lilith

[some time in the future:]
Lawyer: I am sorry about the passing of your husband, Lilith. Frasier was a good man, and we will all miss him.
Lilith: Thank you.
Lawyer: Well, I now have the unhappy task of reading your late husband's will.
Frederick: You okay, Mother?
Lilith: Yes. Thank you, Frederick.
Lawyer: "Sam Malone's sperm count is well within normal range."
Lilith: That damn bar.

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Quote from Woody

Rebecca: Woody, where's Sam?
Woody: "Woody, where's Norm and Cliff?" "Woody, where's Sam?" Now I know how Mr. Krapence feels. How come no one ever walks in and asks me where I am?
Rebecca: Woody, where are you?
Woody: Don't ask me now. Ask me when I'm not around.

Quote from Frasier

Lilith: Frasier, making out a will is a sensible precaution, and one you've been avoiding for months. We're seeing the lawyer this afternoon, and we have to get these questions answered.
Frasier: Look, darling, I find this entire will discussion troubling. It's not easy to talk about one's mortality. Oh, just the thought of of being apart from you and-and little Frederick... It's well, it's... It's just hard.
Lilith: So, who gets the wok?
Frasier: The wok?! My God, woman, we're talking about death here! My death, your death, the end of everything! Being lowered into the grave in a silk-lined casket!
Lilith: Yes. And?
Frasier: And it's upsetting to mammals like me!

Quote from Frasier

Carla: Hey, Fras, your cab's here!
Frasier: Oh, there. I've pulled myself together. Now that I have my will, I suppose I can look into the face of death. Just hope I don't wake her.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Look, Lilith, all my life, I've had a problem talking about death. I know it's irrational, but I can't help feeling that if you talk about it, it'll happen.
Lilith: Well, Frasier, it will happen.
Frasier: Stop it.
Lilith: What, do you think if I hadn't mentioned it, you'd live forever?
Frasier: Well, now we'll never know, will we?

Quote from Lilith

Frasier: You know, first, you get me to get this $1 million life insurance policy. Now you're badgering me about the will. Lilith, I'm practically afraid to start my car in the morning.
Lilith: Frasier, I'm a scientist. If I wanted to kill you, I could certainly think of more clever ways to do it than that. Something subtle. Something that couldn't be traced back to me. Drink your drink, darling. You are so cute when you fear for your life.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Some people are just a bunch of babies about making out a will.
Norm: Think so?
Cliff: Yeah. Oh, sure, I think so. I mean, as far as I'm concerned, it's a... It's- It's your duty as a mature adult. You got to prepare for the inevitable there now.
Norm: So you took care of it, huh?
Cliff: Oh, yeah, yeah, you bet. Anything happens to me, everything goes to Ma.
Norm: What happens if Ma goes first?
Cliff: Shut up! Shut up, Peterson! Shut up, the whole sick bunch of you!

Quote from Carla

Frasier: You know, Lilith, all this talk of wills and dying... Well, I've just never been so depressed in all my life.
Lilith: Frasier, everyone dies. We have to face that. I'm going to die, too.
Carla: Again?

Quote from Paul

Paul: So, where did the two musketeers go without me today?
Norm: Well, we went hang gliding. Then we, uh, had lunch with the Miss Massachusetts finalists. And then, we got to drive a fire truck around for a couple hours. It was great.
Paul: You're kidding! Why didn't you ask me along?
Norm: Yes, we are kidding, Paul. We went to McDonald's.
Paul: What?! You went to McDonald's?!

Quote from Norm

Carla: This will get you. How about losing your balance in a sewage treatment plant? [Norm shakes his head and drinks]
Cliff: All right, all right, all right, here it is. How about eating food recovered from an autopsy? [Norm laughs and drinks]
Woody: All right, I got one. How about someone coming in from the field who's been working all day, while you're sitting down at the dinner table, and they got no shirt on, and their chest hair's all matted down?
Norm: [laughs] That's kind of unpleasant, Woody, but it's not really gross.
Woody: Well, that's 'cause you never met Grandma.
[Norm puts his beer down and pushes it away from himself]
Carla: Yeah!
Woody: Hey!
Cliff: Oh, hey! All right!
Norm: Uh, Wood, you want to put a head on that, please?

Quote from Frasier

Lilith: All right, Frasier, let's move on to the living will. Imagine you've been hideously mangled and are being kept alive by a respirator. Factoring in the enormous expense, the uncertainty, the heartbreak, do you really want to be kept alive artificially, or can I pull the plug when the nurse ducks out for a cigarette?
Frasier: By all means, pull the plug. Smother me with the pillow. Save time, woman. Why don't you do it tonight while I'm asleep?!
Lilith: Well, I guess I can't talk to him about anything.

Quote from Frasier

Lilith: Frasier, focus. If we're going to make a will, we have to get these questions worked out.
Frasier: I just don't want to talk about my death.
Lilith: And/or dismemberment.
Frasier: You know, I don't see us lingering over the question of your death.
Lilith: Well, that's because, statistically-speaking, I'll outlive you.
Frasier: Well, I'll just bet you're looking forward to that, being the "Widder Crane."
Lilith: Frasier, really.

Quote from Lilith

Frasier: Here. The will is signed and witnessed. I hope you're happy, woman. I wash my hands of the entire affair. I want that thing sealed up and put into a vault until...
Lilith: Until you're sealed and put in a vault?
Frasier: I am just your ball of yarn today, aren't l?

Quote from Carla

Frasier: I've also given my executor the right to dispose of a few personal effects. A few things which might give solace to those who cared about me. Carla, what would you like me to leave you?
Carla: How about a tip, for a change?

Quote from Carla

Paul: Uh, I bet you Norm and Cliff are doing something really fun. Those guys never include me in anything. What is it about me that's such a turnoff?
Carla: Normally, Paul, with a setup like that, I'd go for blood, but I can tell you're a little hurt and a little upset, so I'm gonna go easy on you. It's your looks.

Quote from Paul

Cliff: Hey, everybody.
Paul: Welcome back. May I inquire as to exactly where the hell you've been?
Norm: Vera?
Paul: You know, I'm sick of the way you guys treat me. You waltz off God knows where, and you leave me here with nobody - and I mean nobody - to talk to.
Phil: Hey, I love you, too, Paul.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: He's trying awfully hard to fit in, huh? A little too hard if you ask me. All he does is sit there whimpering and whining, feeling sorry for himself saying, "Include me. Include me. Include me." You know, that stuff doesn't work.
Norm: Well, it worked for you, Cliff.
Cliff: The point is, it's not going to work twice.

Quote from Sam

Sam: The whole idea that I have a problem is just ridiculous.
Carla: Oh, yeah? You've been with thousands of women over the years, right?
Sam: Yeah. Right.
Carla: Well, how many cards do you get on Father's Day?
Sam: Well, you know... that doesn't mean anything.
Carla: Sammy, sooner or later, you're gonna have to face the possibility that, whether you like it or not, you might just possibly have a low sperm count.
Sam: You're fired. Get out of here. Go on, right now. You're fired.
Carla: Don't turn on me. I'm not the one with the problem.
Sam: I do not have a problem! I have just as much firepower as the next guy, I'll tell you. You think I'm afraid to go to that doctor, don't you? Well, watch this. I'm gonna go to that stupid fertility doctor. You know, I bet my fertility just soars right off the map. I'll bet I break their stupid machine. Oh, y- you don't think they use a machine, do you?

Quote from Cliff

Norm: Anyway, Paul's not here.
Cliff: Oh, yeah, no, I know. l, uh, I called him at home, and I told him to get down here as soon as he can. He said he was just getting out of the tub and he was toweling himself off.
[Norm puts his beer down and slides it away from himself]
Carla: We have a winner!

Quote from Sam

Carla: Why don't you go ahead and look at it? Might be good news.
Sam: Yeah, it might be bad news.
Carla: It might be good news.
Sam: But what if it's not?
Carla: Well, you're not going to know unless you open it.
Sam: I can't. You open it.
Carla: Oh, I couldn't do that. I mean, l couldn't bear to tell you if it was bad news.
Sam: But what if it's good news?
Carla: What if it's bad news?
Sam: You know, this could turn out to be the worst night of my life or the best. And the the only difference is a few lousy words on a piece of paper. Oh, God, you know, this is the rest of my life we're talking about here. I mean, I- I may have a kid to play baseball with. Or I may not. You know, I may have someone to carry on my name, or I may not. Oh, geez! Boy, it's amazing, you know, how much power a little piece of paper can have. You know, maybe this is just one of those things that people should not know.

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