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Cheers: Bidding on the Boys

608. Bidding on the Boys

Aired November 19, 1987

Rebecca organizes a charity bachelor auction at Cheers. Meanwhile, Lilith is upset when Frasier asks her to sign a pre-nup.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Come on, man, she's just doing it to make you jealous.
Frasier: Oh, God, I'm losing her, Sam.
Sam: Oh, would you stop that? You're my friend. I'm never going to take a woman away from you.
Frasier: What about Diane?
Sam: And didn't God punish me with a vengeance?
Frasier: Well, yes, but gee whiz, Sam...

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Quote from Lilith

Carla: Champagne, huh?
Lilith: Well, wild romance is a fictive term with no correlation to any actual physiological behavior. We, nevertheless, like to humor convention by going through with these preposterous rituals.
Carla: Champagne, huh?

Quote from Lilith

Frasier: So we're agreed then, right? Just plain simple gold wedding bands.
Lilith: With an exquisite marquise diamond on mine so we can tell them apart.
Frasier: You give me such glee. Here we are. Sit here, my betrothed. I'll go get us something to drink, and, oh, uh, exchange a few lies with my buds.
Lilith: I understand. Your daily dose of male bonding.
Frasier: Well, not for much longer. You know what's are breaking up that old gang of mine.
Lilith: As a guess, I'd say hypertension and cirrhosis.
Frasier: [laughs] You're irrepressible.

Quote from Lilith

Lilith: I cannot believe my ears. This is your idea of romance?
Frasier: Lilith, man does not live by romance alone. He also needs hardheaded practicality.
Lilith: If your head was any harder, it would etch glass.
Frasier: Where are you going?
Lilith: I have no intention of spending the rest of the evening, let alone the rest of my life, with a compulsive, anal retentive, chowderhead.
Frasier: Now, Lilith, let's just both stop right now before we say something to spoil the mood.
Lilith: Why don't you go make love to your accountant.
Norm: You know, if more people followed that advice, this world would be such a happier place.

Quote from Rebecca

Sam: Excuse me. Listen, I'm going to save you the embarrassment of asking and then being turned down. I'm not going to be doing your auction. So just forget it. No way. Not me.
Rebecca: Fine. [to Woody] We need to create a stage. I think right there as you walk in the door-
Sam: Hey, what's "fine" supposed to mean?
Rebecca: Well, it means I hadn't planned to ask you in the first place.
Sam: Oh, well, good, good. 'Cause I really don't care for that stuff.
Rebecca: All right. [to Woody] We need a podium. Because the emcee is going to be standing at the podium, and all the women will be standing around-
Sam: Excuse me, one more time here. Why why hadn't you planned on asking me?
Rebecca: Well, I guess I just don't find you as irresistible as some do. You, for instance.

Quote from Woody

Emcee: Now we have a little bonus for you ladies. Please welcome our next eligible bachelor, Mr. Woody Boyd! [cheering]
Woody: Good evening, ladies. I happen to be a very good chef, and your evening with me will be a wonderful home-cooked country meal with all the fixins from my native land, Indiana. And let me just mention my special ingredient, pork.

Quote from Woody

Carla: Woody, here's your dinner.
Woody: Oh, thanks, Carla.
Carla: Oh, boy, I'm going to be glad when I drop this double load. My veins are killing me.
Norm: Your veins, huh?
Carla: Yeah, varicose veins. I had them stripped twice already.
Woody: How do they do that?
Carla: Surgically. They cut a hole in your leg, and they pull the vein out.
Woody: No kidding? [eats spaghetti]
Carla: Yeah, it's like pulling a long, slimy worm out of you flesh.
Woody: Gee, imagine that. [continues eating]
Frasier: Can you believe maintaining that postcoital tristesse is gender oriented.
Woody: Do you mind, Dr. Crane? I'm trying to eat.

Quote from Norm

Rebecca: But if you want to participate, you're perfectly welcome...
Sam: No, hey, forget it. I'm sorry.
Rebecca: Well, it doesn't matter to me either way. I'm only doing this for charity.
Norm: You know, Vera has that carved on our headboard.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Hey, Frasier, can I ask you something? When you and Lilith wake up in the morning, which one of you is the first to scream, "What have I done?"

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Well, my darling, to us.
Lilith: Thank you, darling. It's been a lovely evening. You've revealed previously unsuspected depths of romanticism.
Frasier: Well, Lilith, we have a whole lifetime of romantic evenings ahead of us, but for now, we've got to plan. We don't have much time. We've got to get the wedding license, have blood tests, see the lawyer draw up the prenuptial agreement, invite the guests...
Lilith: Excuse me. What prenuptial agreement?
Frasier: Well, wherein we decide what you are or are not entitled to in event of a divorce. It's merely a safeguard.
Lilith: You're already planning for the divorce? Have you selected my cemetery plot also?
Frasier: Well, assuming we stay together, you'll be right between me and Cousin Lemuel.

Quote from Carla

Cliff: Boy, oh boy, you can call me a traditionalist, call me out of step with the times, but I prefer to get my women the old-fashioned way.
Carla: In a plain brown wrapper?

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Ah, women. They can talk all they like about romance, but what it really comes down to is just pure animal lust.
Lilith: [across the room] Is that supposed to refer to me?
Frasier: If the shoe fits.
Sam: Things a little strained between you two?
Frasier: Oh, why should you ask that, Sam? Just because she's a pigheaded witch?!
Woody: So you two kids set a date yet?

Quote from Rebecca

Rebecca: This is great. We're just $2,000 away from breaking the record. How many guys do we have left?
Carla: Just Sammy.
Rebecca: Oh, well. There's always next year.
Sam: $2,000? Oh, gee, I might actually have to comb my hair.
Rebecca: Come on, you guys, there's no way he can get that by himself. God, if we just had one more hunk.
Cliff: All right, all right, all right.
Rebecca: Mr. Clavin, that is a really sweet gesture but, um... Isn't there some regulation against, uh, government employees in uniform participating in this kind of a thing?
Cliff: Oh, that is a very salient point, and one which I came within a hair of overlooking. I thank you. I shudder to think what might have happened.
Norm: We all do.

Quote from Sam

Emcee: And now, our grand finale. Former Red Sox great Sam Malone! Come on up here, Sam. The big gun! [whooping and cheering]
Sam: Thank you, thank you. Ladies, let's see. [clearing throat] Your enchanted evening with me will begin with a leisurely sunset drive up to a small, secluded oceanside inn, where we will enjoy a candlelit, romantic dinner for two. [oohing and aahing] Yes, yes. And then this being the beginning of the weekend, who knows where dinner will lead? [squealing and whooping]

Quote from Lilith

Frasier: What do you think you're doing?
Lilith: Helping charity. Don't worry, it's just some money I had put aside to buy you a ring.
Frasier: You are not actually going to go off with Sam to some inn on the Cape for the weekend?
Lilith: Why not? Did we have a prenuptial agreement to the contrary?
Frasier: No, of course not.
Lilith: Sam, I understand we're going to the Cape. I'll just bring the car around. We can stop at my place, and I'll throw some things in a bag.
Sam: Actually, Lilith, you know, that won't be necessary.
Lilith: Perhaps not, but I believe in being prepared. I hope you do, too.

Quote from Sam

Sam: A little more bubbly here?
Lilith: Whatever you suggest, Sam. I'm agreeable to anything you suggest.
Sam: Ah, well, good, good, good, because, um, quite frankly, I'd like to talk just a little bit more about Frasier. You know, uh, one of the, uh, qualities that I admire most about him is his reliability. He's always very punctual, isn't he?
Lilith: Frasier, Schmasier. Let's have some fun.
Sam: [uneasy chuckle] Heck of a guy, Frasier, I'll tell you. [Lilith changes the radio station] A lot of, uh, remarkable qualities... Uh you know, he's, uh, he's faithful, he- he's devoted... [jazz music playing] And he's, uh, musical, too. Very musical guy, you know? He's always, uh, whistling something or singing some tune. Or making that that funny little chirping noise he makes with his lips. What are you doing?
Lilith: It's too bright.
Sam: Talk about bright. I tell you, uh... Frasier's just about the brightest guy I've ever met. You don't mind if we turn some of these back on, do you, in case we want to read later, or something? Hey, you know, Frasier reads a lot, doesn't he?
Lilith: Sam, we've talked enough about Frasier. Let's talk about you.
Sam: Oh, me, well, I'm just a an ordinary guy who happens to respect and admire the hell out of Frasier, I'll tell you.
Lilith: Smell good?
Sam: You bet; I sniff him every time he comes in the bar.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Aha! I found you... kissing!
Sam: Got her all warmed up for you, there, Fras.
Frasier: And yourself in the process, I see.
Sam: Oh, come on.
Frasier: Well, let's just step outside, settle this like gentlemen.
Sam: Oh, don't be ridiculous, man.
Frasier: At least do me the honor of pulling up your pants.
Sam: All right, I will. All right.
Frasier: Now, what is going on here?
Lilith: I might ask you the same.
Frasier: Look, I'll ask the questions around here!
Sam: Would you two stop sniping, for goodness sake? Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? [backs out of the room with his pants around his ankles]

Quote from Lilith

Frasier: You two were actually going to...
Lilith: Oh, of course not. That was only for your sake.
Frasier: What? You mean you knew I was coming?
Lilith: Frasier, darling, yin to my yang, I know your mind as I know my own. Of course I knew you'd come. I knew you could do no other. Besides, I could hear your muffler behind us all the way up Route 3.
Frasier: And what a joke on me. What a cruel, wonderful joke on me. Why, Lilith, why?
Lilith: Because I was angry about that prenuptial agreement.
Frasier: Oh.
Lilith: And hurt.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Look, I'm- l'm sorry I ever brought that up in the first place. It's just that I've seen so many failed marriages. I just wanted some insurance, I guess. Of course, I- I forgot I'm marrying the perfect woman.
Lilith: Don't forget that, Frasier. And I certainly didn't mean to hurt you with Sam. By the way, what took you so long getting here?
Frasier: Oh, well, when I first arrived, I went to the wrong room. Uh... By the way, we're having breakfast tomorrow with Jack and Peggy in number eight. I'm paying.
Lilith: Frasier, you dear, sweet ninny. I do love you, you know.
Frasier: And l, you.

Quote from Woody

Rebecca: Woody, does it look like we're going to get a good turnout for our auction?
Woody: Oh, yeah. I'll bet by now there isn't anyone in Boston who doesn't know about it.
Norm: What auction?
Cliff: We're having an auction?

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