Johnny Carson: Doc is so old...
Cliff: Oh, my God, here it comes.
All: How old is he?
Cliff: Yes.
Johnny Carson: ...when he was a kid he never blew out candles on a birthday cake. They didn't have fire yet. [audience groans] Ooh, stay where you are. Fortunately, folks, in a situation like this, the, uh, the band has instructions to come over and form a human barrier in front of a star. How did that line get on the cue cards anyway? I should have done that joke with one of those big blue dots covering my face. Who wrote that joke anyway?
Cliff: I- I wrote that joke and it was great.
Johnny Carson: Pardon me?
Cliff: The problem wasn't the joke, the problem was you. You botched it. You botched my joke, Johnny Carson!
Norm: Sit down, please.
Cliff: I'm not going to sit down! I wrote that joke. Get your hands off me. Is this the way you treat your talent, Carson?! [gets dragged away by security]
Johnny Carson: Ladies and gentlemen, the president of NBC. [applause]

Woody: Do you think I'm supposed to marry Kelly, Sam? I mean, do you think that's what the plan is for me?
Sam: You getting cold feet, buddy?
Woody: Well, yeah, it is a little chilly up here, but I'm trying to talk philosophical.
Sam: Yeah, I think you should marry her. You guys are in love, man. That's the best. [sighs] You know, sometimes I don't think I'll ever find someone. I thought Diane was going to be the one, but it turns out she wasn't. Which was lucky for me because if she had been I just would have ended up killing her and dying in the electric chair.
Woody: That is lucky.

Norm: "Mr. Clavin, thank you very much for your submission to The Tonight Show. We will not be using your material. Enclosed is your submission."
Paul: Hey, what was it this time? Let me put my beer down, I don't want it coming through my nose.
Norm: "Today is Doc Severinsen's birthday. You know, Doc is so old, when he was a kid he never blew out candles on his birthday cake. They didn't have fire yet." [Lilith laughs]
Frasier: Lilith! You can't possibly be laughing at that terrible joke.
Lilith: You don't find humor in the exaggeration of a contemporary man predating an event which took place 45,000 years ago?
Frasier: Well, had Cliff phrased it like that, sure, hellzapoppin.

Carla: Hey, Sammy, look at this. Here it is right here in the classified. You can buy a used satellite dish for 300 bucks, install it yourself.
Sam: I don't know anything about installing a satellite dish.
Carla: Oh, come on, Sam, what's the big deal? You clamp it to the roof and you run a few wires down.
Woody: I don't know, Carla. My Uncle Skyler tried to do that with a milking machine right before an electrical storm. Cows never forgave him for it. It was worth it, though. We had cottage cheese sandwiches for a month, I'm telling you.

Esther Clavin: Excuse me. With all due respect, Mr. Carson, you didn't tell my son's joke correctly.
Johnny Carson: You're his mother?
Esther Clavin: Yes. And I want you to tell it again and this time put a little life into it.
Johnny Carson: Audience, can you stand to hear this joke again? [applause] Doc is so old...
All: How old is he?
Johnny Carson: ...when he was a kid he never blew out candles on a birthday cake. They didn't have fire yet. [audience groaning]
Esther Clavin: No, no, now tell it again and this time hit the word "have." And it wouldn't kill you to turn on the applause sign.
Johnny Carson: Hit, hit, hit the word "have"?
Esther Clavin: Have.
Johnny Carson: Doc is so old...
All: How old is he?
Johnny Carson: when he was a kid he never blew out candles on a birthday cake. They didn't have fire yet. [cheering and applause]
Esther Clavin: You see, they heard that joke three times and they still laughed. Now, don't tell me my son doesn't know comedy.
Johnny Carson: You- You're a pretty funny lady yourself. Would you like to come down and join me?
Esther Clavin: Ooh, I'd love that. [cheering and applause] Here, hold my purse. Oh, this is so exciting. [giggles]

Lilith: Cliff, you're not going to give up. With the current sorry state of the world, we need your humor now more than ever.
Cliff: Well, yeah, thank you very much, Lilith. You know, you've always been my number one fan. In fact, you've been my only fan. [Lilith laughs] I wasn't joking.
Lilith: Oh. I'm sorry. It must have been the way you instinctively time everything. You can't learn that, you know.

Cliff: Hey! I did it! Ha-ha! I did it! l, uh, I sold a joke to Johnny Carson! [laughs] Oh, this is the happiest moment of my life! Well, take your last look at Clifford Clavin, letter carrier. Yeah, when my joke hits the airwaves, I'm gonna start a new career. Yep, it's going to be Cliff Clavin, joke meister. Doctor of Ha-Ha, the funny man. Yeah, I'm going to be hanging around with a whole new group of friends: Oscar and Emmy. Ciao.

Cliff: Hey, everybody. Guess what. Cliff Clavin is off to the entertainment capital of the world... the dream factory, the land of glitz, glamour and make-believe.
Woody: What, you're going to Chucky Cheese?
Cliff: No, Woody. Going to Hollyweird, California. Yeah, I've got some nonrefundable tickets here in my hand; they're going to take me to Burbank. And, uh, when Johnny Carson delights America with my joke, me and Ma are going to be sitting there watching it live.
Norm: You know, they write an awful lot of jokes, Cliff. Uh, just 'cause they bought yours doesn't necessarily mean they're gonna use it.
Cliff: Aw, geez, Norm, uh, I'm a little confused here. I guess you're the one who is currently employed as a writer for The Tonight Show starring Johnny Carson.
Norm: You're right, Cliff. I'm just saying you could be setting yourself up for a big fall here.
Cliff: [laughs] Norm. The only question is is whether Johnny is going to invite me to sit up there on the couch next to him. Oh, hey, I'd better call Ma. She'll be thrilled.

Norm: Listen, come on, let's get out of here.
Cliff: Ah, in a minute, Norm, in a minute. Normie, right here this is where Johnny did my joke. Yeah. [chuckles] Yeah this is probably just the beginning, though. I mean, who knows? You know, Leno may see it, uh, hire me as a writer, in a few years, retire himself, name me as his successor.
Norm: Come on, Cliffie, let's come on.
Cliff: Go on, I'll meet you outside.
Norm: Come on.
Cliff: [clears throat] Ladies and gentlemen, he-ere's Cliffie.
Johnny Carson: [applauds] Feels, uh, feels good, doesn't it?
Cliff: Sure does, Mr. Carson.
Johnny Carson: Now, get the hell out of here before I call security. Esther, does Spago's Restaurant sound okay?

Frasier: I don't know, gentlemen. Should we really encourage Cliff in these flights of fancy? I cite for an example his Kennedy conspiracy theory. l, for one, have never believed the Beatles were involved.