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‘Heeeeere's... Cliffy!’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Heeeeere's... Cliffy!

1024. Heeeeere's... Cliffy!

Aired May 7, 1992

Norm leads Cliff to believe that he sold a joke to The Tonight Show starring Johnny Carson. Meanwhile, Sam and Woody try to install a satellite dish at Cheers.

Quote from Cliff

Johnny Carson: Doc is so old...
Cliff: Oh, my God, here it comes.
All: How old is he?
Cliff: Yes.
Johnny Carson: ...when he was a kid he never blew out candles on a birthday cake. They didn't have fire yet. [audience groans] Ooh, stay where you are. Fortunately, folks, in a situation like this, the, uh, the band has instructions to come over and form a human barrier in front of a star. How did that line get on the cue cards anyway? I should have done that joke with one of those big blue dots covering my face. Who wrote that joke anyway?
Cliff: I- I wrote that joke and it was great.
Johnny Carson: Pardon me?
Cliff: The problem wasn't the joke, the problem was you. You botched it. You botched my joke, Johnny Carson!
Norm: Sit down, please.
Cliff: I'm not going to sit down! I wrote that joke. Get your hands off me. Is this the way you treat your talent, Carson?! [gets dragged away by security]
Johnny Carson: Ladies and gentlemen, the president of NBC. [applause]

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Quote from Sam

Woody: Do you think I'm supposed to marry Kelly, Sam? I mean, do you think that's what the plan is for me?
Sam: You getting cold feet, buddy?
Woody: Well, yeah, it is a little chilly up here, but I'm trying to talk philosophical.
Sam: Yeah, I think you should marry her. You guys are in love, man. That's the best. [sighs] You know, sometimes I don't think I'll ever find someone. I thought Diane was going to be the one, but it turns out she wasn't. Which was lucky for me because if she had been I just would have ended up killing her and dying in the electric chair.
Woody: That is lucky.

Quote from Lilith

Norm: "Mr. Clavin, thank you very much for your submission to The Tonight Show. We will not be using your material. Enclosed is your submission."
Paul: Hey, what was it this time? Let me put my beer down, I don't want it coming through my nose.
Norm: "Today is Doc Severinsen's birthday. You know, Doc is so old, when he was a kid he never blew out candles on his birthday cake. They didn't have fire yet." [Lilith laughs]
Frasier: Lilith! You can't possibly be laughing at that terrible joke.
Lilith: You don't find humor in the exaggeration of a contemporary man predating an event which took place 45,000 years ago?
Frasier: Well, had Cliff phrased it like that, sure, hellzapoppin.

Quote from Woody

Carla: Hey, Sammy, look at this. Here it is right here in the classified. You can buy a used satellite dish for 300 bucks, install it yourself.
Sam: I don't know anything about installing a satellite dish.
Carla: Oh, come on, Sam, what's the big deal? You clamp it to the roof and you run a few wires down.
Woody: I don't know, Carla. My Uncle Skyler tried to do that with a milking machine right before an electrical storm. Cows never forgave him for it. It was worth it, though. We had cottage cheese sandwiches for a month, I'm telling you.

Quote from Esther Clavin

Esther Clavin: Excuse me. With all due respect, Mr. Carson, you didn't tell my son's joke correctly.
Johnny Carson: You're his mother?
Esther Clavin: Yes. And I want you to tell it again and this time put a little life into it.
Johnny Carson: Audience, can you stand to hear this joke again? [applause] Doc is so old...
All: How old is he?
Johnny Carson: ...when he was a kid he never blew out candles on a birthday cake. They didn't have fire yet. [audience groaning]
Esther Clavin: No, no, now tell it again and this time hit the word "have." And it wouldn't kill you to turn on the applause sign.
Johnny Carson: Hit, hit, hit the word "have"?
Esther Clavin: Have.
Johnny Carson: Doc is so old...
All: How old is he?
Johnny Carson: when he was a kid he never blew out candles on a birthday cake. They didn't have fire yet. [cheering and applause]
Esther Clavin: You see, they heard that joke three times and they still laughed. Now, don't tell me my son doesn't know comedy.
Johnny Carson: You- You're a pretty funny lady yourself. Would you like to come down and join me?
Esther Clavin: Ooh, I'd love that. [cheering and applause] Here, hold my purse. Oh, this is so exciting. [giggles]

Quote from Lilith

Lilith: Cliff, you're not going to give up. With the current sorry state of the world, we need your humor now more than ever.
Cliff: Well, yeah, thank you very much, Lilith. You know, you've always been my number one fan. In fact, you've been my only fan. [Lilith laughs] I wasn't joking.
Lilith: Oh. I'm sorry. It must have been the way you instinctively time everything. You can't learn that, you know.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Hey! I did it! Ha-ha! I did it! l, uh, I sold a joke to Johnny Carson! [laughs] Oh, this is the happiest moment of my life! Well, take your last look at Clifford Clavin, letter carrier. Yeah, when my joke hits the airwaves, I'm gonna start a new career. Yep, it's going to be Cliff Clavin, joke meister. Doctor of Ha-Ha, the funny man. Yeah, I'm going to be hanging around with a whole new group of friends: Oscar and Emmy. Ciao.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Hey, everybody. Guess what. Cliff Clavin is off to the entertainment capital of the world... the dream factory, the land of glitz, glamour and make-believe.
Woody: What, you're going to Chucky Cheese?
Cliff: No, Woody. Going to Hollyweird, California. Yeah, I've got some nonrefundable tickets here in my hand; they're going to take me to Burbank. And, uh, when Johnny Carson delights America with my joke, me and Ma are going to be sitting there watching it live.
Norm: You know, they write an awful lot of jokes, Cliff. Uh, just 'cause they bought yours doesn't necessarily mean they're gonna use it.
Cliff: Aw, geez, Norm, uh, I'm a little confused here. I guess you're the one who is currently employed as a writer for The Tonight Show starring Johnny Carson.
Norm: You're right, Cliff. I'm just saying you could be setting yourself up for a big fall here.
Cliff: [laughs] Norm. The only question is is whether Johnny is going to invite me to sit up there on the couch next to him. Oh, hey, I'd better call Ma. She'll be thrilled.

Quote from Cliff

Norm: Listen, come on, let's get out of here.
Cliff: Ah, in a minute, Norm, in a minute. Normie, right here this is where Johnny did my joke. Yeah. [chuckles] Yeah this is probably just the beginning, though. I mean, who knows? You know, Leno may see it, uh, hire me as a writer, in a few years, retire himself, name me as his successor.
Norm: Come on, Cliffie, let's come on.
Cliff: Go on, I'll meet you outside.
Norm: Come on.
Cliff: [clears throat] Ladies and gentlemen, he-ere's Cliffie.
Johnny Carson: [applauds] Feels, uh, feels good, doesn't it?
Cliff: Sure does, Mr. Carson.
Johnny Carson: Now, get the hell out of here before I call security. Esther, does Spago's Restaurant sound okay?

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: I don't know, gentlemen. Should we really encourage Cliff in these flights of fancy? I cite for an example his Kennedy conspiracy theory. l, for one, have never believed the Beatles were involved.

Quote from Woody

Sam: Damn it, now, why is Cliff having his personal mail sent to my bar?
Frasier: Well, when you've been harassed by as many agents of the government as Cliff has, you naturally develop a reluctance to give them your own return address.
Norm: Ah, Cliffie got a letter from The Tonight Show in California.
Paul: Is he still trying to sell jokes to Johnny Carson? When's that poor guy gonna give up.
Woody: He is. I hear he's leaving the show at the end of May.

Quote from Norm

Norm: You know, all we have to do is just white-out the word "not" and it looks like, "we will be using your submission."
Sam: You're pretty good with that white-out stuff.
Norm: Sammy, I used to be an accountant. Many is the time this stuff kept me out of Leavenworth.

Quote from Norm

Sam: You've got to do something, man. This has gone far enough.
Norm: I can't, Sammy. I'm no good at giving bad news.
Sam: Oh, what are you talking about? You told Vera about losing all those jobs, right?
Norm: I'm gonna get to that, when the time is right.

Quote from Woody

Woody: Hey, do you have any idea how a satellite dish works?
Sam: You mean you don't?
Woody: Well, to be honest, no.
Sam: Well, you've got a satellite up there.
Woody: How far up there?
Sam: Oh, about 72 million miles, give or take a few light years. And it's got a gizmo up there so when you send your TV stuff up there it shoots it right back down here to this baby.
Woody: Boy, you sure know a lot about the world, Sam.
Sam: Oh, Woody, I'm an avid reader.
Woody: You know, when you look up there at all those stars and all those galaxies you realize just how big this satellite dish really is.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Boy, oh, boy. This is something, isn't it, Ma? Who would have believed it? There it is, the couch, the desk and the curtains. Huh? Huh?
Norm: Listen, Cliff, um, before Johnny starts his monologue, there's something I really want to tell you.
Cliff: Oh, suddenly it's Johnny, huh, Norm? I mean, I work with the man and I don't even get to call him Johnny.
Norm: Anyway, before he starts the monologue I'd like to tell you something, okay?
Cliff: [to a woman sitting next to him] Hey, uh, Cliff Clavin. I'm from Boston. l, uh, wrote tonight's monologue.
Woman: Really? Then you know Johnny?
Cliff: Well, does anybody really know Johnny?

Quote from Sam

Sam: And Rebecca. Well, we wanted to have a baby together, but that's no reason to get serious about anyone. You know, I used to think I had it made. You know, I- I got my freedom, my bar, goes without saying I'm a love machine, but recently, you know, when I've been alone, I kind of feel lonely.
Woody: Well, Sam, uh, you know, Kelly and I are probably going to have a big, beautiful house someday with, uh, you know, a garden and swimming pool and lots of servants, and when you get too old to take care of yourself, you can come live with us.
Sam: Aw, that's sweet, man, but I think I'll... [chuckling] I think I'll be able to manage. ... Would I get my own room?

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Oh, yeah, there'll be a lawsuit, that's for sure. In a year, this is going to be the Clavin Broadcasting Company.
Security Guard: Yep, his name is in the computer. And here's a flash... he's a postal worker.
Cliff: I can take your torture. I'm not scared of you guys. [applause over television] My poor mother's out there. She had to watch her only son being dragged off. You've probably broken that old woman's spirit.
Esther Clavin: [on TV] Johnny, I want to give you a little advice. When you retire, get dressed every morning. You don't want to sit around all day in your pajamas. You lose some dignity.
Johnny Carson: [on TV] Ah, thank you, Mrs. Clavin.
Esther Clavin: [on TV] Oh, please, call me Esther.
Cliff: [whispers] Ma's with Johnny.

Quote from Norm

Norm: [enters] Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm!
Woody: Hey, Mr. P. How's life in the big city?
Norm: Hey, what'd I tell you about those fat jokes?
Cliff: Uh, what's in the box there, Norm?
Norm: Only my brand-new Turbo Flex Airmasters with the custom pump fit and the night reflector racing stripe.
Woody: Ah, whoa!
Sam: Ooh, look at that! Major shoe.
Norm: And check out the reflector, huh?
Paul: Wow, shines like the Northern Lights.
Norm: Yep. Get this, they utilize a patented ergonomic lever propulsion design. Uses your body's own Achilles tendon as a fulcrum.
Woody: I read in Runner's World that they can improve your vertical leap by ten percent.
Norm: Try 12%, babe.
Sam: Ooh.
Cliff: Ah, that's more than a shoe there, Normie, that's a god.
Norm: And now, if you gentlemen will just stand back for a second I'm gonna try these puppies out. [sits down on his stool] And we're off! [drinks beer]

Quote from Norm

Norm: Okay, Paulie, at 7:00 we go over to Gary's, right?
Sam: Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute, you're going over to Gary's bar?
Norm: Well, Sammy, big heavyweight fight tonight. He's got a satellite dish, you don't.
Sam: You're deserting me for that snake? You're gonna give money to the one guy I hate more than anyone else in the whole world?
Norm: 'Course not, Sammy. I'm gonna run a tab.

Quote from Lilith

Paul: Sammy, we wouldn't go anywhere if you had a satellite dish.
Norm: Mm-hmm.
Sam: All right, all right, if it means that much to you, I will look into it, all right?
Lilith: l, for one, am filled with a sense of foreboding when I contemplate the future of a culture whose primary source of recreation is watching more and more mindless television. Don't you agree, Frasier?
Frasier: Now, why is Gilligan magnetized?
Lilith: Because he was struck by lightning. Every time this episode airs, you ask that question.

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