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‘I Will Gladly Pay You Tuesday’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: I Will Gladly Pay You Tuesday

406. I Will Gladly Pay You Tuesday

Aired November 7, 1985

After Sam lends Diane money no-questions-asked so she can buy a rare book, he starts to get irritated by her frivolous spending.

Quote from Sam

Diane: Sam, I know you to be a man of pride and principle, but strength is also to be found in the ability to bend. Witness the willow, nature's strongest tree.
Sam: No, I thought the oak was the strongest tree.
Diane: Only in furniture.
Sam: What about the saying "strong as the mighty oak"?
Diane: The oak can be felled by a single harsh wind under the right circumstances.
Sam: All right, but what about birch and mahogany? Now, those--
Diane: Would you shut up about the damn trees?
Sam: You brought them up.

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Quote from Norm

Woody: What is this Hungry Heifer place you guys keep talking about?
Sam: Oh, it's this terrible restaurant where Norm insists on torturing himself.
Norm: Hey, you're always giving the Hungry Heifer a bad rap. I don't get it. So I've had a few bad meals there. But it's the best value in town. Woody, their steaks come by the pound.
Norm: Wow, the steaks are that big?
Carla: No, that's where they get them.
Woody: I'll have to try it sometime.
Norm: Yeah, I recommend Thursday night. That's when the chef does his tribute to swine.

Quote from Diane

Diane: I thought it would he better to conduct our business in private. What's taking you so long?
Sam: Well, I was just thinking.
Diane: Say no more.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Sam? Is now a bad time?
Sam: No, but I think it's about to be.
Diane: You goose. Sam, would you say that our relationship has matured?
Sam: If you mean getting kind of old, yeah.
Diane: Well, you're a regular Noel Coward with a liquor license.
Sam: I don't-- I don't get it.
Diane: I'm painfully aware of that.

Quote from Cliff

Norm: All right, I'm ready for a beer, Sam.
Woody: Hey, what's Mr. Clavin doing?
Norm: Well, you're not gonna believe this, but he's trying to get into the record book for walking backwards.
Cliff: [enters the bar backwards] Everybody, afternoon good. That's-- That's "good afternoon, everybody" backwards.
Carla: And you're an "assjack."
Sam: How close are you to the record, Cliff?
Cliff: Well, in two days, seventeen hours and thirty-three minutes, I'll be backing myself into the history books. Thank you, Sammy. Eh, I think I'll just take a quick reverse strut around the old pool table, pick up some women backwards.
Norm: All right, I know you guys think that Cliff is pretty weird, but I'll say this much for him, he'll probably never reproduce.

Quote from Carla

Cliff: Ah, Norm, we had the bathroom-stuffing championship in our grasp and blew it.
Woody: Oh, gee, I see how I miscounted. Boy, I had myself down here twice. See, "Woody" and "me."
Norm: Here's to noble failure, huh?
Cliff: Norm, I can't drink to that. There's nothing noble about failure.
Carla: If there was, you'd be a duke.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Yes, I have to come up with $500 as quickly as possible.
Carla: What for? Hush money for Miss Clairol?
Diane: No. But I love the new thing that you've done with your hair, and I think you should continue washing it.
Cliff: [laughs] "Continue." [off Carla's look] That was totally uncalled for.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Why don't you ask that rich old lady of yours, huh? She's got more money than me and God put together.
Diane: No, I can't ask Mummy. I'd rather die.
Carla: I like that even better.
Diane: I told her long ago I was going to prove my own worth. I refuse to go to her begging now.
Cliff: Ah, come on, Diane, she's your ma. She carried you for nine months.
Diane: Eight. I was premature.
Carla: Couldn't wait to get out and start yapping.

Quote from Sam

Diane: Oh, you'll see it again. Diane Chambers always honors her debts.
Sam: Hey, I could care less. Really. You walk out that door, I'm not even gonna think about that money anymore.
Diane: You'll see it again.
Sam: All right.
Diane: Thank you, Sam.
Sam: Yeah.
Diane: You handled this even better than I expected. But even so, it was hard to come in here and ask for this, given our past physical relationship.
Sam: Yeah, it kind of feels like you should be giving me the money, doesn't it?

Quote from Norm

Norm: Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm!
Diane: Norman.
Sam: What's the good word, Norm?
Norm: Plop, plop, fizz, fizz.
Sam: Oh, no, not the Hungry Heifer.
Norm: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sam: One heartburn cocktail coming up.

Quote from Norm

Norm: [eating crushed cookie powder] I like my cookies this way. It takes the work out of chewing, you know?

Quote from Sam

Diane: For some mysterious reason, you seem to have doubted my good intentions to pay you back.
Sam: Well, what's the mystery? I haven't seen dime one.
Diane: Believe me, I fully intend to return all your money. And to prove my good faith, I'm going to give you what I purchased with the $500 for you to hold as collateral until I repay you.
Sam: God, it really is a book.
Diane: It's a book, and a very valuable book. It's a first-edition Hemingway.
Sam: The Sun Also Rises. Oh, that's real profound.
Diane: I purchased it for $500, but I'm sure it's worth a great deal more. It's signed by Ernest Hemingway himself.
Sam: For 500 bucks, you'd think Margaux Hemingway would come over to your house and act it out for you.

Quote from Diane

Diane: I'm taking a big risk entrusting this to you, Sam. Please, go put it in the safe. And whatever you do, don't let anything happen to it. Don't touch it, don't scratch it, don't scratch with it.
Sam: Hey, you know, you really make me angry when you treat me like some kind of animal.
Diane: I'm sorry, Sam. It won't happen again. Just put it in the safe, please. I'm sure there's room in there right next to your bowl of kibble. [exits]
Sam: [sniffs] Smells boring.

Quote from Cliff

Woody: Mr. Clavin, you're walking forward. What happened to the record?
Cliff: Well, I was hours away, and I met utter defeat.
Woody: Oh, that's too bad.
Cliff: Yeah, it's doubly tragic. If I had had a witness, I would've gotten the world's record for the loudest scream after I backed into Ma's curling iron.
Woody: Well, I'll tell you something, Mr. Clavin, whether you set the record or not, everyone here considers you a winner.
Carla: That's pronounced "wiener."

Quote from Sam

Norm: What the heck happened to that?
Sam: Well, I got interested in the darned thing, and I took it home with me and... Then picture this. I get into a nice hot tub. I'm lying down to soak and read, naked as a jaybird. And I'm reading, and I'm reading, and I'm...
Woody: Hold on, I can't get one of your socks off.
Carla: Never mind. I can.
Sam: Anyway, I'm reading and reading, and I finally come to the part where they tell us the terrible thing that happened to this Jake Barnes guy during the war.
Woody: What's that?
Sam: Well, let's just say that suddenly he could hit those high notes like he never could before.
Norm: Ouch.
Sam: Yeah, ouch. That's why I dropped the book in the water. Now the darned thing won't shut.
Norm: All right, just rip out every other page.
Sam: Come on, man. Diane's gonna be really angry at me. She told me not to touch it, I touched it, and now it's fat.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Sam, will you get this man's Hemingway?
Sam: No, you can't do that.
Diane: No, it's perfect. Now I can pay you back.
Sam: No, you can't sell the book. You love the book, Diane.
Diane: Sam, we love people. We own books. Besides, even as a child I found Hemingway to be pretentious and over-mannered. For my taste.

Quote from Sam

Diane: Stop. Enough. We're throwing around monetary figures here as if they had a place in the world of art. Sam Malone, you have taught me a lesson about the true value of literature tonight. I'm sorry, Mr. Sayers, the book is no longer for sale. I want Sam to have it.
Sam: Oh, all right. Hey, I hope there are no hard feelings here, Sayers, old man.
Bruce: I can't say I'm not disappointed, but it's heartening to know there are people around like you. People who love books. [exits]
Sam: Love them? I just wish you could eat them.
Diane: I don't know what to say. I'm looking at you in an entirely new light.
Sam: What do you mean?
Diane: Well, I don't know myself, but I think tonight I saw in full flower the sensitivity you try so hard to conceal.
Sam: Oh, well, that's-- That's no big deal.
Diane: Oh, no. You were wonderful.
Sam: Yeah, well, I guess my little masquerade's over. I am sensitive as all get-out.

Quote from Norm

Cliff: [o.s.] Okay, who's next?
Norm: Make way for Norm.
Woody: [o.s.] Come on in, Mr Peterson, and we've got the bathroom-stuffing record.
Norm: World's record, here we come! [cheers o.s.]
Woody: [o.s.] We did it!
Man: [o.s.] Congratulations! Drinks are on me!
Norm: [o.s.] The door's stuck.
Man: [o.s.] It won't budge. There's too many people in here.
[A man and a woman enter the now empty bar]
Man: Ah, bartender must've stepped out. Have a seat. I gotta use the bathroom, okay? [knocks on the bathroom door]
All: [o.s.] Occupied.

Quote from Norm

Steve: Hey, Diane, hold it. Hold it. Those aren't empty.
Diane: Oh, sorry, guys, I'm a little distracted tonight.
Norm: Oh, yeah? You got problems, Diane, or just the usual?
Diane: What do you mean, "the usual"?
Norm: You know, just how you usually are, you know.
Diane: How am I usually?
Norm: So you're distracted, huh?

Quote from Diane

Norm: So what do you need 500 bucks for?
Diane: Well, are you familiar with the Farthing for Your Thoughts bookstore?
Norm: I've dallied there betimes, yeah.
Diane: Very funny, Norman. Anyway, I was browsing there this morning when I unearthed a rare Hemingway volume. I know what everybody's thinking: "Diane Chambers' sensibilities attuned to Hemingway?"
Woody: Wow, that's really close.
Diane: Anyway, I discovered that Hemingway's signature is in the book. And it's priced at a laughable $500. The owners of the store obviously don't know what they're doing. It's right there on the title page: "Ernest Hemingway, Madrid, 1927."

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