Norm: Sammy, I didn't want to say this in front of the others, but you know what I think the most important thing in life is? It's love. You want to know what I love?
Sam: Beer, Norm?
Norm: Yeah, I'll have a quick one. Know what, Sammy, I love that stool! If there's a heaven, I don't want to go there unless my stool is waiting for me. And I'll tell you what, even God better not be on it.
Sam: He wouldn't... he wouldn't dare.
Norm: [sighs] I don't think it matters what you love, Sammy. Could be a person, could be a thing. As long as you love it totally, completely, without judgment.
Sam: Know what I think? I think you ought to go home and wake up Vera with a big kiss and then... [sighs] do what comes naturally.
Norm: Wake her up so she can watch me eat a bucket of buffalo wings?
Sam: Yeah, well, maybe not.

Cliff: [talking to himself] You go all over town... There ought to be a law. Bunch of meatheads.
Carla: So it's true. He keeps on talking even when people aren't there.
Norm: Yes, but if no one's there to hear it, does he really make a sound?

Norm: Sox lost again today, Sam. Sure could have used you coming out of the pen, buddy.
Sam: Not in the shape I'm in, Norm.
Norm: Oh. Yo, miss! [taps beer glass on bar] Wouldn't you love to see Sammy, there, flinging the ol' horsehide again?
Diane: Flinging what?
Norm: Don't you know who this is? He used to be one of the best pitchers in baseball. Samuel "Mayday" Malone.

Cliff: Yeah, Normie, I'm, uh, I'm sort of sorry about everything that happened.
Norm: Oh, well, Cliff, I'm even sorrier for what's about to happen.
Cliff: Huh? What do you mean?
[A monkey enters the bear wearing a USPS uniform and a mail bag, carrying a parcel and a clipboard. After Woody takes the clipboard and signs for the parcel, the monkey hands over the parcel and leaves.]
Cliff: You're dead meat, Peterson!
[Cliff chases Norm around the bar, up the stairs to Melville's]

Norm: Attention please. [banging] Attention please. Okay, before we get to the ceremony, I'd like to make a little announcement. Because of tonight's very special occasion, the fudge volcano will keep erupting for one more hour. [cheering and applause] All right, there we go, yeah. Okay. The Big Eaters Circle. All right. Now, I'd like to introduce to you folks, the owner and operator of the Hungry Heifer, our very special guest, Mr.
Sid Nelson.
All: [chanting] Sid. Sid. Sid. Sid. Sid. Sid. Sid. Sid.
Norm: Let me get right to the point, Sid. I knew you were expecting a tearful farewell dinner here tonight, but, uh, that is not going to happen.
Sid: What are you talking about?
Norm: Well, the Hungry Heifer is not going to be torn down.
Sid: What are you talking about?
Norm: Perhaps this piece of paper will help explain things, Sid. This is an injunction, making the Hungry Heifer immune to any wrecking ball. It will be here for our children and our children's children. [Sid storms out] Sid obviously wasn't prepared for this happy news. Uh, tell you what, uh have the band strike up another tune, okay?
Woody: Oh, the band felt bloated and left.
Norm: You've got to pace yourself.

Norm: Diane? There's something my father used to say when we had a death in the family. Maybe it'll help. He'd say, "Sprinkle the ashes, all that tangibly remains of our dear one. But thank God for the intangibles. The impact of his life on ours. We remember the smile, the frown, the quizzical look, the love, the courage..."
Cliff: Hey, uh, commercials are over, Norm.
Norm: [quickly] Fun times, hurt, moments of searching, risk, affirmation, and a whole bunch of other stuff. Come on, Celtics, go!

Sam: What was that you said yesterday, when they were taking pictures, about Vito's Pub?
Norm: It's nothing. Don't worry about it.
Sam: Talk to me, Norm.
Cliff: Norm, I think it's best he hears it from us. Well, go ahead, tell him the story.
Norm: All right, you heard of Vito's Pub?
Sam: It's a gay bar, right?
Norm: Didn't used to be. It used to be a great bar. I hung out there myself.
Coach: Wow. What a story, Norm.
Norm: I'm not finished.
Coach: There's more?
Norm: One night, Vito lets a gay group hold a meeting in the back room, right? Gays For The Metric System, or something. Story got in the newspaper. Gets a lot of attention. Next thing you know, Vito's Pub turns into... Vito's Pub. All the regulars left, Sammy. Out went the oars and the moose heads, in came plants and ferns. Ferns. Ooh. I just don't want that to happen at Cheers.

Diane: Excuse me. You're talking about them like they're ogres. The fact of the matter is, there are gay people in this bar all the time.
Norm: No way. I haven't seen a gay guy in here in ages.
Diane: I see. So you can spot a gay person?
Norm: A mile away.
Diane: And there are none in here right now?
Norm: Nope. Looks like a straight crowd to me. Too ugly to be gay. Too ugly to be out.

Carla: So how was dinner, Norm?
Norm: Oh, listen up, everybody. Stay away from that Hungry Heifer place. That new place downtown.
Coach: They've been advertising that a lot, Normie. No good, huh?
Norm: No, it was awful. They served me a terrible piece of meat, tough potatoes, soggy vegetables.
Carla: Why didn't you send it back?
Norm: Here's another thing, the service stinks. By the time the waiter got there to ask me if everything was OK, I was through.

Norm: Well, come on in, folks. We have just a few moments till our table's ready upstairs. And we can just have a drink here and get acquainted. Just have a seat, folks. This is Cheers. I think you'll find it a friendly, warm, pub-like atmosphere.
Mrs. Brubaker: I hate bars.
Norm: Well, I think they should be abolished, actually. But we just have to be here a few moments. Then we can go on upstairs and strap on the old feedbag.
Mrs. Brubaker: There are a lot of things I can't eat.
Mr. Brubaker: Yes, we're both very careful.
Norm: Well, I have a very sensitive stomach myself, so...
Carla: Good news. We just got in those taco- flavoured pork rinds you love so much.
Norm: Friendly serving wench, you know.