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‘Take My Shirt... Please’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Take My Shirt... Please

413. Take My Shirt... Please

Aired January 9, 1986

Sam offers his old baseball jersey to a charity auction on public TV.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Hello, everyone.
All: [unenthusiastic] Hey.
Diane: Oh, come on, what kind of a greeting is that? When Norm comes in, you all yell, "Norm!", make a big fuss over him. Is it asking too much for me to get the same treatment once in a while?
Sam: She's right. Try it again, sweetheart.
Diane: Yeah. Thanks. [returns] Hello, everyone.
All: Norm!
Diane: That's better.

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Quote from Sam

Sam: So, what'd you think, huh? Hundred bucks. That's not too bad, is it?
Diane: Yes, the station asked me to convey their appreciation to you for helping them out.
Sam: Oh, well, I was glad to. I mean, that's my favorite station.
Diane: It is?
Sam: Yeah, yeah. I especially like those two guys that talk about the day's events.
Diane: MacNeil, Lehrer?
Sam: Uh, no, no. Bert and Ernie. Oh, wait a minute. Unless... Maybe that's their last names.
Diane: Could be.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: So your parents wore the colours, huh?
Mrs. Brubaker: Well, I didn't follow my father into the service.
Mr. Brubaker: And Henry's in milk.
Cliff: Oh, well, that explains the lovely complexion.
Mrs. Brubaker: [giggles] Well, thank you.
Cliff: Oh, yeah, yours too. So, you know, speaking of milk, here's a little-known fact. The cow was domesticated by the Mesopotamians.
Mr. Brubaker: Oh, no.
Cliff: Yeah, that's right. In fact, it wasn't originally a milk-bearing animal. Oh, no. It was originally used as a guard animal for the Chinese emperors during the Chung King dynasty.
Mr. Brubaker: Just when you think you know an animal.
Cliff: Well, allow me to elucidate. [Norm pulls out his chair] Thank you, Norm. Get me a beer, will you? Yeah. Theory was that the intruder would step on a cowpie...

Quote from Sam

Diane: You want an excuse to blow up and let it all out so you'll feel better. And you want me to provide the excuse. Well, I'm not falling for that.
Sam: I am not gonna blow up. I just think that we're not gonna be able to lay this thing to rest until you call me a big dope. It's what's in your mind, so why don't you just say it. Get it over with, and we'll go on with our lives.
Diane: No.
Sam: Well, I really wish you would. I think it would be good for me to hear.
Diane: Well, maybe you should-
Sam: I knew it! I knew it! I knew you couldn't keep your big fat mouth shut. Oh, God, you think you know everything, don't you? In your entire life, you've never said, "I don't know," or, "I think this." Or, "In my humble opinion." Oh, no, you always just say this. And you just say that. This, that! This, that! You know, you're nuts. You are crazy. And in your twisted little mind, you probably think you're gonna make me crazy just like you made Frasier crazy, just like you make everybody crazy. But you're not gonna make me crazy. You wanna know why? I'm gonna tell you why. Are you listening? Here it comes. I don't know! And I'll tell you something else. You don't know either. Nobody knows why you're not gonna make me crazy. So stick that in your hat and smoke it. [exits] [returns in a calm mood] Thank you.
Diane: Anytime.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm!
Woody: How's life, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Uh, I'm waiting for the movie.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Well, come on in, folks. We have just a few moments till our table's ready upstairs. And we can just have a drink here and get acquainted. Just have a seat, folks. This is Cheers. I think you'll find it a friendly, warm, pub-like atmosphere.
Mrs. Brubaker: I hate bars.
Norm: Well, I think they should be abolished, actually. But we just have to be here a few moments. Then we can go on upstairs and strap on the old feedbag.
Mrs. Brubaker: There are a lot of things I can't eat.
Mr. Brubaker: Yes, we're both very careful.
Norm: Well, I have a very sensitive stomach myself, so...
Carla: Good news. We just got in those taco- flavoured pork rinds you love so much.
Norm: Friendly serving wench, you know.

Quote from Diane

Bob: Now, come on, all you baseball fans out there. I'm sure one of you wanna make a bid on this priceless piece of baseball memorabilia donated by ex-Red Sox star Sam Maloney.
Diane: That's "Malone."
Bob: Oh, yes. Thank you for that. Perhaps we should meet some of our volunteers now. And what is your name, miss?
Diane: Diane Chambers. I was just giggling with one of our callers over a joke that I'd love to share with you, Bob.
Bob: Well, please.
Diane: How many Surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Bob: How many?
Diane: The fish. [laughs] I guess Surrealistic humor isn't your cup of fur. [laughs]

Quote from Sam

Sam: That's not too bad, a hundred big ones.
Woody: Yeah, way to go, Sam.
Carla: Mayday's back, huh?
Sam: Oh, come on. I just feel good to be able to do something to help out quality television. You know, I think maybe we should start watching this station more often.
Bob: [on TV] Well, enough of this pledge break. Let's get back to our program. Hydro-Mulching: How Much? How Soon?
Sam: Okay, wrestling.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Cliff. Man, I'm in Death Valley over here. Help me out. Woody, give me a glass of water. Just help me out, will you? Just come on over and just talk a little bit.
Cliff: Who, me, Norm? The laughingstock, the windbag, the boob?
Norm: All right, I'm really sorry for whatever I may have said this afternoon. I just didn't know what these people would be like.
Cliff: Oh, yeah? What are they like, Norm?
Norm: They're like... Like dead people without the rouge.

Quote from Cliff

Mrs. Brubaker: You're a delight, Clifford.
Cliff: Oh, enchante, Enid. Drive carefully, huh?
Norm: What? What? Where are they going? Where are they going?
Cliff: Uh, Henry's gotta get up early in the morning, and Enid's sciatica's flaring up again. Oh, what that woman endures.
Norm: Forget her, what about me? Did I get the job?
Cliff: Oh, jeez, Norm. Norm, I forgot to ask. Hey, look, don't worry. I'll bring it up this weekend.
Norm: This weekend?
Cliff: Yeah, they invited me up to the farm. Forty-eight hours of Charades, food and Yahtzee.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Well, I'm meeting a prospective client and his wife here. He runs a huge dairy. He's looking for someone to take care of his books.
Cliff: All right. He wants to squeeze a little bit more out of his taxes there, huh?
Woody: That's a very funny joke, Mr. Clavin. You got any udders?
Cliff: "Udders."
Norm: All right, guys. This is exactly the kind of sparkling wit that I'm talking about, okay? Now, it's really important that I impress these people, so I'd appreciate it if you'd kind of leave me alone with the Brubakers.
Cliff: Yeah, yeah. Listen to the man, fellas. Don't worry, Normie, I'll keep them away from us.
Norm: All right, Cliff, that last comment was specifically addressed to you, okay?
Cliff: What are you saying, Norm? What, you're ashamed of your best friend, huh? Afraid I'm gonna embarrass you? Afraid I'm gonna be a big bore?
Norm: Thanks for understanding, Cliff.
Cliff: All right. All right, Norm, my lips are sealed. I'm mute. You won't hear another word out of me on any subject.
Carla: [to Norm] How did you do it?

Quote from Sam

Diane: Sam, I'm going to have to take a couple hours off this evening.
Carla: Wait a minute. Our absentee waitress strikes again? What is it this time, bleach-bag?
Sam: Hey, hey. Carla, do you mind? I'm the employer here. I'll handle this. What is it this time, bleach-bag?

Quote from Diane

Diane: I volunteered to work the first two-hour shift on an auction for public television.
Sam: You'll be on TV? No kidding, huh?
Diane: Yeah. They're selling off celebrity belongings from the Boston area. We have a baton that Leinsdorf used, a letter from Henry Cabot Lodge...
Carla: And nothing from Sam Malone?
Sam: Come on.
Diane: Not such a crazy idea. As a matter of fact, some fellows named Yastrzemski, Bobby Orr, something like Havlicek...
Sam: Yeah.
Diane: ...have donated their athletic accoutrements.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Come on. I mean, I was a good athlete, but, I mean, those guys are superstars.
Carla: Well, to some of us, you are too, Sammy.
Cliff: Yeah, Sam, you may not have been out there as long as those guys, but you were loved.
Sam: Please. Please.
Norm: What? Go ahead. Don't be embarrassed.
Sam: No, no. I mean, please, a little louder. The rest of the bar didn't hear.
Diane: Then you'll do it?
Sam: Yeah, if it's for a worthy cause, I guess I could give them my old jersey. You know, old number 16. Yeah, I'm gonna do it. I'll make a call, and... You know, I'll tell you what. If this sells, maybe I could give them some more of my athletic equipment.
Diane: While you're at it, Sam, why don't you give them one of your old jockstraps.
Sam: No. Too many memories.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Mr. Brubaker, would you tell me a little bit about the dairy game? I've always felt it must be really fascinating.
Mr. Brubaker: Really? Why would you think that?
Norm: I... Because of all the different products. You have, you know, your milk, cheese and...

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