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‘Let Me Count the Ways’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Let Me Count the Ways

114. Let Me Count the Ways

Aired January 13, 1983

Diane is upset when she feels that nobody at the bar is showing any sympathy over the death of her cat.

Quote from Norm

Norm: [enters] Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm!
Diane: Norman.
Coach: What's doing, Norm?
Norm: Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen to be the guinea pig.

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Quote from Diane

Diane: I am sorry to interrupt, but I have something important to say. Since I have been here, I have struggled to make certain changes in myself in order to fit in to the general milieu.
Sam: And you're doing a very good job-
Diane: It has not been easy. However, I am proud to say that, for example, I no longer have to cover my eyes when I watch a hockey fight. In one case, I even took sides. But now, in my moment of crisis, it is glaringly apparent that no one here has made any effort to understand my sensibilities.

Quote from Carla

Diane: Carla, I know you're not going to believe this, but I do admire you.
Carla: I believe it.
Diane: You are so tough. You keep your head up, no matter what. How do you do that?
Carla: I'll tell you, Diane. See, I always look on the bright side. I mean, no matter how lousy a situation is, I can always find something in it to make me happy.
Diane: What good could you possibly say about a loved one dying?
Carla: It ain't me.

Quote from Coach

Diane: Did you ever lose a pet?
Coach: Uh, like an animal?
Diane: Yeah.
Coach: Uh, I never had a pet, Diane. But my grandfather had a dog that I loved very much.
Diane: Oh, what did you call him?
Coach: Grandpa.
Diane: I meant the dog.
Coach: Oh, the dog? Bruno.
Diane: What happened to him?
Coach: Fell down in the bathtub and died.
Diane: I meant the dog.
Coach: So did l. My grandfather, poor old guy, got run over by a bus. You know something, Diane? Nobody's ever listened to my story before. And it's good to get it off your chest, you know. If ever I can be there for you, Diane, just let me know and I'll be there.
Diane: Well, actually...
Coach: Excuse me, Diane.

Quote from Diane

Sam: Tell me about your cat.
Diane: I don't want to talk about it.
Sam: Well, tough!
Diane: Well, I was... pretty lonely as a child. I wasn't close to anyone in my family. My father traveled frequently, and my mother was incredibly social. So Elizabeth was my closest friend and confidante. That cat could really keep a secret.
Sam: That's good in a cat.
Diane: Yeah. Well, she was the only one in my life who was always there. When everybody was mad at me, she always liked me. When I'd hide when my parents argued, she'd come with me. And... And whenever I was sick, she never left my bed until I was well again. And then, when I was 12 years old, my parents separated. It was maybe the worst night of my life. Believe it or not, I actually thought about throwing myself in the lake. But then I looked down at this cat in my lap and I thought, "Oh, who would take care of Elizabeth?" She saved my life that night. And I know, it's crazy and irrational, but, oh, Sam, I can't help thinking that last night, when her time came, she must have wondered where I was. [sobs]

Quote from Diane

Man: Miss? I'm all by myself. I only ordered one beer.
Diane: Oh, didn't I see you with some other people before?
Man: I was here last night with people, but they're not with me tonight.
Diane: Oh, I see. They're all gone. Well, everything in life comes and goes. The things that matter most to us are taken away when we can least afford to lose them. And in the end, everything we strive for comes to nothing. I'll take away the extra beers.
Man: No. Suddenly, I'm in the mood for all of 'em.

Quote from Sam

Sam: I can't believe you're that upset over an animal dying.
Diane: Well, you obviously have never had a pet yourself.
Sam: I have, too.
Diane: What?
Sam: I had a dog. Cutest little guy! Floppy ears, big eyes. I remember I used to take him for a walk every morning. Great way to meet women.
Diane: So you loved this dog because you could use him as a come-on?
Sam: Oh, no!
Diane: Well, you probably don't even remember his name.
Sam: Well, sure I do! It was Fluffy. Or Buffy. Or was that one of the girls he helped me to meet? I can't...

Quote from Sam

Sam: Oh, you wanna know what your problem is? You always got to to think about things. You always got to talk about things. "I mean, what are we doing this?" "What does it mean?" "What are we going to do?" God, it makes me so mad!
Diane: An unexamined life is not worth living.
Sam: You know, while we're talking about problems, you want to know what really, really bugs me about you?
Diane: Fine.
Sam: The way you eat pretzels.
Diane: Pretzels?
Sam: Yeah, that's right. Three bites. Not two, not one, like the rest of us, but three bites!

Quote from Coach

Diane: I am in a wonderful mood today. I spent the weekend at an lndian film festival. It left me euphoric.
Coach: Oh, I love Indian films. Remember Fort Apache? Just thinking about it makes the hair on my arms go up. Look!
Diane: No, Coach, we're not talking about American Indians.
Carla: Hey, I can make the hair on my arms stand up any time I want. See?
Coach: Oh, whoa. Carla.
Carla: Think that's something? Cathy Settudicato, my best friend from St Clete's, belched the whole 23rd Psalm at the talent show once.
Sam: That's good. That's good, but I knew this guy once , Randy Evans, first baseman, he could make his eyeballs vibrate. Now, I always wanted to be able to do that.
Carla: Randy Evans? Who'd he play for?
Sam: He spent most of his career with Cleveland Indians.
Coach: Uh, speaking of Indians, remember Fort Apache? Just thinking of it... [Diane screams]
Carla: Go, bumps!
Sam: Ooh.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Oh, boy.
Diane: Rough day, Norm?
Norm: Yeah. Vera read a woman's magazine over the weekend. Article says you got to put romance back in your marriage.
Sam: Oh, you're in trouble.
Norm: She says I gotta act like we're courting, right? I got to call her up for a date, buy her flowers, take her someplace fancy.
Sam: Well, that sounds good.
Norm: Yeah, well, I'm a romantic guy. I go to the corner, use the payphone, call her up, she turns me down. Who needs it? Who needs it?

Quote from Sam

Sam: [answers phone] Cheers. Uh, Diane's busy at the moment. Can I say who's calling? Her mother? Oh, well, it's a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Chambers. I'm Sam Malone. Yeah? She mentioned me, huh? No, no, I'm not scratching myself at the moment. Yeah, hold on a second, I'll get her for you. Diane, it's your mother. Take it from me, you're not adopted.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Diane? There's something my father used to say when we had a death in the family. Maybe it'll help. He'd say, "Sprinkle the ashes, all that tangibly remains of our dear one. But thank God for the intangibles. The impact of his life on ours. We remember the smile, the frown, the quizzical look, the love, the courage..."
Cliff: Hey, uh, commercials are over, Norm.
Norm: [quickly] Fun times, hurt, moments of searching, risk, affirmation, and a whole bunch of other stuff. Come on, Celtics, go!

Quote from Carla

Carla: Hey, hey, Vampira, get to work, here.
Diane: Carla, could we talk for a minute? I really need to talk to somebody. Carla, please? Have you ever lost a pet? Have you ever had a pet?
Carla: Are you kidding me? I've been through it a thousand times with the kids. Goldfish, parakeets, turtles...
Diane: No, no, no. A cat is different.
Carla: Yeah, you can't flush a cat.

Quote from Carla

Diane: Jack Daniel's.
Man: Miss. Miss, I ordered this on the rocks. [Diane sobs] No, no. It's not that bad, really. Sweetheart, it's no problem. I'm sorry. I like it this way. Look, look. [drinks] Mmm, good, good! Darling? Miss? Miss? Here's a tip for you.
Carla: Five bucks for a couple of tears?
[Carla walks over to another table and starts to wail. She blows her nose in her towel.]

Quote from Diane

Sam: Oh, come on! What is it you want?
Diane: I wanted a little sympathy.
Sam: Well, why didn't you say so?
Diane: Sam, there are subtleties of expression. I have been saying so all day with the look in my eye, the knit of my brow, my posture...
Sam: Well, how come you just don't use words?

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