Norm: [enters] Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm!
Diane: Norman.
Coach: What's doing, Norm?
Norm: Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen to be the guinea pig.

Diane: I am sorry to interrupt, but I have something important to say. Since I have been here, I have struggled to make certain changes in myself in order to fit in to the general milieu.
Sam: And you're doing a very good job-
Diane: It has not been easy. However, I am proud to say that, for example, I no longer have to cover my eyes when I watch a hockey fight. In one case, I even took sides. But now, in my moment of crisis, it is glaringly apparent that no one here has made any effort to understand my sensibilities.

Diane: Carla, I know you're not going to believe this, but I do admire you.
Carla: I believe it.
Diane: You are so tough. You keep your head up, no matter what. How do you do that?
Carla: I'll tell you, Diane. See, I always look on the bright side. I mean, no matter how lousy a situation is, I can always find something in it to make me happy.
Diane: What good could you possibly say about a loved one dying?
Carla: It ain't me.

Diane: Did you ever lose a pet?
Coach: Uh, like an animal?
Diane: Yeah.
Coach: Uh, I never had a pet, Diane. But my grandfather had a dog that I loved very much.
Diane: Oh, what did you call him?
Coach: Grandpa.
Diane: I meant the dog.
Coach: Oh, the dog? Bruno.
Diane: What happened to him?
Coach: Fell down in the bathtub and died.
Diane: I meant the dog.
Coach: So did l. My grandfather, poor old guy, got run over by a bus. You know something, Diane? Nobody's ever listened to my story before. And it's good to get it off your chest, you know. If ever I can be there for you, Diane, just let me know and I'll be there.
Diane: Well, actually...
Coach: Excuse me, Diane.

Sam: Tell me about your cat.
Diane: I don't want to talk about it.
Sam: Well, tough!
Diane: Well, I was... pretty lonely as a child. I wasn't close to anyone in my family. My father traveled frequently, and my mother was incredibly social. So Elizabeth was my closest friend and confidante. That cat could really keep a secret.
Sam: That's good in a cat.
Diane: Yeah. Well, she was the only one in my life who was always there. When everybody was mad at me, she always liked me. When I'd hide when my parents argued, she'd come with me. And... And whenever I was sick, she never left my bed until I was well again. And then, when I was 12 years old, my parents separated. It was maybe the worst night of my life. Believe it or not, I actually thought about throwing myself in the lake. But then I looked down at this cat in my lap and I thought, "Oh, who would take care of Elizabeth?" She saved my life that night. And I know, it's crazy and irrational, but, oh, Sam, I can't help thinking that last night, when her time came, she must have wondered where I was. [sobs]

Man: Miss? I'm all by myself. I only ordered one beer.
Diane: Oh, didn't I see you with some other people before?
Man: I was here last night with people, but they're not with me tonight.
Diane: Oh, I see. They're all gone. Well, everything in life comes and goes. The things that matter most to us are taken away when we can least afford to lose them. And in the end, everything we strive for comes to nothing. I'll take away the extra beers.
Man: No. Suddenly, I'm in the mood for all of 'em.

Sam: I can't believe you're that upset over an animal dying.
Diane: Well, you obviously have never had a pet yourself.
Sam: I have, too.
Diane: What?
Sam: I had a dog. Cutest little guy! Floppy ears, big eyes. I remember I used to take him for a walk every morning. Great way to meet women.
Diane: So you loved this dog because you could use him as a come-on?
Sam: Oh, no!
Diane: Well, you probably don't even remember his name.
Sam: Well, sure I do! It was Fluffy. Or Buffy. Or was that one of the girls he helped me to meet? I can't...

Sam: Oh, you wanna know what your problem is? You always got to to think about things. You always got to talk about things. "I mean, what are we doing this?" "What does it mean?" "What are we going to do?" God, it makes me so mad!
Diane: An unexamined life is not worth living.
Sam: You know, while we're talking about problems, you want to know what really, really bugs me about you?
Diane: Fine.
Sam: The way you eat pretzels.
Diane: Pretzels?
Sam: Yeah, that's right. Three bites. Not two, not one, like the rest of us, but three bites!

Diane: I am in a wonderful mood today. I spent the weekend at an lndian film festival. It left me euphoric.
Coach: Oh, I love Indian films. Remember Fort Apache? Just thinking about it makes the hair on my arms go up. Look!
Diane: No, Coach, we're not talking about American Indians.
Carla: Hey, I can make the hair on my arms stand up any time I want. See?
Coach: Oh, whoa. Carla.
Carla: Think that's something? Cathy Settudicato, my best friend from St Clete's, belched the whole 23rd Psalm at the talent show once.
Sam: That's good. That's good, but I knew this guy once , Randy Evans, first baseman, he could make his eyeballs vibrate. Now, I always wanted to be able to do that.
Carla: Randy Evans? Who'd he play for?
Sam: He spent most of his career with Cleveland Indians.
Coach: Uh, speaking of Indians, remember Fort Apache? Just thinking of it... [Diane screams]
Carla: Go, bumps!
Sam: Ooh.

Norm: Oh, boy.
Diane: Rough day, Norm?
Norm: Yeah. Vera read a woman's magazine over the weekend. Article says you got to put romance back in your marriage.
Sam: Oh, you're in trouble.
Norm: She says I gotta act like we're courting, right? I got to call her up for a date, buy her flowers, take her someplace fancy.
Sam: Well, that sounds good.
Norm: Yeah, well, I'm a romantic guy. I go to the corner, use the payphone, call her up, she turns me down. Who needs it? Who needs it?