Coach: I'm knocking off, Sam. Home to my book.
Sam: Still working on that novel, huh, Coach?
Coach: Yeah, coming on six years now. I just got a feeling I might finish it tonight.
Diane: You're writing a novel?
Coach: No, reading one.

Cliff: Hey, speaking of sweat, here's a little-known fact. Women have fewer sweat glands than men, but they're larger, more active.
Coach: Oh, the human body, huh?
Cliff: Consequently, they sweat more.
Norm: Really?
Cliff: Sure. How about you, miss? What are your perspiration patterns?

Coach: [answers phone] Cheers. Yeah, just a sec. Is there an Ernie Pantusso here?
Sam: That's you, Coach.
Coach: Speaking.

Diane: [answers phone] Hello? Sam? Are you Sam? [Sam mumbles] Yes. Yes, he's here. Someone named Vicki.
Sam: No, no, no, no.
Diane: No, she knows you're here. I told her you're here.
Sam: Well... [Sam runs two fingers along the bar]
Diane: Now, look... [on the phone] I'm sorry, I was wrong. He had to step out. Where? Um... [Sam touches his hair] Well, I think what happened is he... [Sam puts a cloth around his neck and holds two fingers above a strand of hair] he had... He had to go to mime class. Yes. Yes, I'll take a message. You're welcome. [hangs up]
Sam: Well?
Diane: You're a magnificent pagan beast.
Sam: Thanks. What's the message?

Coach: Uh-oh, Carla's late again.
Sam: Oh, nuts.
Carla: [enters] OK, I'm late! My kid was throwing up all over the place. You don't buy that excuse, I'll quit, because I don't work for a man who has no compassion for my children. And it doesn't look like you're exactly swamped here. I'm usually very punctual. If you don't like it, that's fine, because this ain't such a great job to begin with. I'm gonna change. [exits]
Sam: [to Coach] Think I was too hard on her?

Diane: Well, why don't you bring your remarkable powers to bear and enlighten me as to what my future holds?
Sam: [chuckles] I'm probably gonna regret this, but you could work here. [Diane laughs]
Carla: Sam.
Sam: [to Diane] Shut up for a second, will you?
Carla: I need- I need two vodka gimlets, one straight up, one blended, rocks, one Chivas rocks, soda, a Comfort Manhattan, hold the cherry, a white wine spritzer with a twist, one Old Bushmill Irish decaf, hold the sugar.
Diane: What makes you think I would ever work in a place like this?
Sam: It's simple, really. You can't go back to the professor for work. I need a waitress. You need a job. You like the people here. You think that they like you. And the phrase "magnificent pagan beast" has never left your mind.
Diane: Now, look, buster. I do need a job. And I'll find one. And you can bet that it won't be waiting tables.
Sam: What are you qualified to do?
Diane: Nothing. But somewhere, there is a job that I'm perfect for, that's perfect for me. I'll find it. And when I do, I'll know it.
Sam: Carla, what am I making?
Diane: Two vodka gimlets, one straight up, one blended, rocks, one Chivas rocks, soda, a Comfort Manhattan, hold the cherry, a white wine spritzer with a twist, one Old Bushmill Irish decaf, hold the sugar. [Diane looks shocked at herself]

Sam: Your first customers.
Diane: Wish me luck.
Sam: Luck.
Diane: Hello. Welcome to Cheers. My name is Diane. I will be serving you. Uh, why don't you sit down right over here? You know, I should tell you, parenthetically, that you are the first people that I have ever served. In fact, if anyone had told me a week ago that I would be doing this, I would have thought them insane. When Sam, over there, offered me the job, I laughed in his face. [chuckles] But then it occurred to me... [sits down at the table] Here I am, I'm a student. Not just in an academic sense, but a student of life. And where better than here to study life in all its many facets? People meet in bars, they part, they rejoice, they suffer. They come here to be with their own kind. What can I get you?
Swedish Man: Where is police? We have lost our luggage.

Norm: [enters] Afternoon, everybody.
Sam & Coach: Norm!
Sam: How you doing, Norm, what do you know?
Norm: Not enough.

Coach: I coached this kid down in Pawtucket in double-A ball, and up here with the Red Sox. He was one of the best Little Leaguers ever to play the game.
Sam: Take it easy, Coach.
Coach: No, I mean it, he was the very best. As sure as the earth is round.
Sam: You don't believe that, Coach.
Coach: Well, you know, I never used to believe it, Sam, until I saw those pictures from the space shuttle.

Sam: Wait a second, Coach. I want you to take Norm home.
Sam & Coach: Norm!
Norm: [wakes up] I'm up. I'm up. All right, one quick one then I really gotta fly, Sammy.
Sam: No, no. I'm gonna have Coach take you home.
Coach: Come on, I'll give you a lift.
Norm: Thanks. Goodnight, Sam.
Sam: Goodnight.
Norm: Hey, Coach, we stop somewhere, I'll buy you a beer, huh?
Coach: Norm, you're in here every night. Doesn't your wife ever wonder where you're at?
Norm: She wonders. Doesn't care.