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‘Woody for Hire Meets Norman of the Apes’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Woody for Hire Meets Norman of the Apes

613. Woody for Hire Meets Norman of the Apes

Aired January 7, 1988

Cliff insults Norm by refusing to pay him for painting his apartment. Meanwhile, Woody makes his television debut on Robert Urich's Spenser for Hire.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Well, l, for one, applaud your desire to shake things up a bit, Cliff. Sometimes I think I'd give anything for a change - no matter how slight - in this deadly, unvarying routine of life.
Woody: What can I get you, Dr. Crane?
Frasier: The usual.

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Quote from Carla

Carla: Hello.
Woody: Carla, what are you doing in? You're not due in for another hour.
Carla: I had to get out of my house. It was a zoo. Serafina took the hedge clippers to the shag carpet. Little Lotte unplugged the refrigerator to see if frozen peas melt faster than ice cream. Gino made a volcano for a science project in the microwave. And on top of everything else, me and Eddie had a big fight.
Cliff: Oh, geez, what about?
Carla: He had the nerve to say I don't know how to control my kids. [phone rings] I don't know. We just can't seem to see eye to eye on the right way to discipline 'em.
Woody: Carla, it's for you.
Carla: Oh God. [takes the phone] Hello. I thought we settled this. No, you definitely cannot hit him. No, you cannot lock him in the closet, and you absolutely cannot wash his mouth out with soap. Anne-Marie, you untie your stepfather right now!

Quote from Woody

Sam: What are you doing, there?
Woody: Miss Howe put moi in charge of refreshments for the book club.
Sam: Well, yeah, but what are those?
Woody: Finger sandwiches. You know, the part that takes the most time is getting that middle knuckle right.
Sam: Woody, they don't actually have to look like fingers.
Woody: Yeah, right, Sam.

Quote from Carla

Sam: [answers phones] Cheers. Yeah, hi, Carla.
Carla: [laughs maniacally]
Sam: Bye, Carla. [hangs up]
Cliff: Hey, what was that about?
Sam: Uh, it's just Carla reminding us it's her night off.

Quote from Rebecca

Woody: Parking, but it was my own fault. l, uh I let the meter run out while I was watching them film Spenser for Hire. [all talking at once]
Rebecca: What? Spenser for Hire? That's my favorite! Was Robert Urich there?
Woody: Oh, yeah. It's his show.
Rebecca: And you saw him?
Woody: Oh, my God!
Cliff: Oh, eh, well, Normie over here's met him.
Rebecca: You lie! What's he really like?
Norm: Well, you know, he just sped past me in his BMW, but he seemed like a real courteous driver.
Rebecca: You know, I've heard that about him.
Sam: Oh, would... [scoffs] Would you stop it? I mean, the guy puts his pants on one leg at a time just like everybody else. Why is everybody so gaga over actors? [mutters]
Rebecca: Hold it, hold it. I'm still picturing him with his pants down around his ankles.

Quote from Sam

Rebecca: Well, just have your pool tournament another night.
Sam: Oh, right! [laughs] Like we can, uh, rearrange our schedule here. Right.
Rebecca: Well, what about Monday night?
Sam: Yo, guys, we got a lady right off the boat here, doesn't speak any English. Tell her what happens Monday night, will you, please?
All: Football!
Rebecca: How about Tuesday?
Hugh: Darts Night.
Rebecca: Wednesday?
Cliff: Well, recovery from Darts Night.
Tim: Thursday's Poker Night.
Sam: Friday's a night to howl.
Cliff: And, uh, Saturday night is Date Night, so, uh, where does that leave us?
Norm: Horny on Sundays.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Say, excuse me. I don't mean to be rude, but, uh, do you ladies comprise a book club?
Sylvia: Yes, that's right.
Frasier: Well, the salon of the '80s. You know, it's encouraging to meet a group of adults who still read in this day and age rather than pay homage to the great god, television. I can't tell you how heartened I am...
Sylvia: Excuse me. I have a cigarette going back there.
Frasier: Of course.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: So, uh, Normie, you think you'll be, uh, through, uh, painting my apartment tomorrow, or what?
Norm: Yeah, I'll finish up tomorrow. Can you have a, uh, check ready for me, Cliff?
Cliff: Well, I'll, uh give you one now. Uh, okay, pay to the order of Norman Peterson one zillion dollars! [laughter] There you go! Buy yourself a yacht, young fella.
Norm: Cliff, uh, you are going to pay me for this job, aren't you?
Cliff: Hey, Normie, look, you, uh, didn't charge me last year when you painted Ma's house, did you?
Norm: Well, that was before I was a professional.
Cliff: Oh, I'll say. We never did get those windows unstuck.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Cliff, I finished half your place. I'll be happy to come by and finish the rest of it, okay? I'd appreciate a check. If you've got a problem with that, why don't we work out a payment schedule right now?
Cliff: Look, uh, Norm, money is not a problem. You know that. It's just, uh, well, I'm not a cheap man.
Norm: Oh, a statement I'll wager has never been uttered by anyone but a cheap man.
Cliff: Look, Norm, if I knew you were going to charge me for all this, I would've demanded a better job. Now, I've been letting you slide, buddy.
Norm: If you think the work is so worthless, just finish it yourself, Cliff.
Cliff: Well, uh, not that I couldn't. I mean, it doesn't exactly take a Phi Beta Kappa to stick a brush in a bucket, slap it on a wall, does it? I mean, any monkey can do that, huh?
Norm: Oh, yeah, as opposed to the high level of skill and precision it takes to shove a postcard through a slot.
Cliff: That's enough, enough, okay, enough, Normie. I'm, uh, waiting for an apology.
Norm: Fine. I'll drop it in the mail. That way, you'll never get it.

Quote from Cliff

Norm: You know, it's actually a good paint job, Cliff.
Cliff: Oh, yeah, thanks, there, Normie. You know, l, uh you know, I thought I could do this by myself, but, uh, when I started, I realized that I needed somebody with your specialized skills and talents, eh...
Norm: Well, well, takes a big man to admit that, Cliff. Glad you appreciate the value of professional labor.
Cliff: Oh, yeah, I sure do, uh... Listen, if you guys don't mind, I'd like to introduce you to the, uh, skilled artisan who did this fine work. [all muttering] Yeah, he's in the, uh, bathroom over here, finishing up. Uh, hey, Duane, come out here.
[The guys, with the exception of Norm, laugh as a monkey in overalls walks out of the bathroom with a paintbrush in his hand. Norm gets up and walks out.]

Quote from Norm

Norm: Can't imagine what it's going to be like to see, uh, somebody we actually know up on that TV screen.
Hugh: Yeah.
Frasier: Well, Norm, I'm- l'm loathe to chide you for your short memory, but I appeared on the tube just a few short weeks ago.
Norm: Oh, well, yeah, Frasier, uh, no offense, but a bunch of do-gooders sitting around jabbering about a nuclear freeze is one thing. We're talking prime time cop show here.

Quote from Rebecca

Rebecca: Evening, ladies. I'm really excited about you being here. The rest of your group's already in the back.
Sylvia: Oh, thank you very much. It should be a special evening. Tonight, we're discussing English agrarian life before the Reform Bill as portrayed in Elliot's Middlemarch. Would you care to join us?
Rebecca: You know, actually, we were just discussing that at the bar, and I'm a little burned out on it.

Quote from Woody

Sam: What are you doing, Woody?
Woody: I'm wringing my hands with guilt.
Sam: Oh. I don't think I've actually seen that before. Why?
Woody: I told a terrible lie to the guys, Sam.
Sam: Oh, you mean about being on that TV show?
Woody: No, no, that was true, but I got a telephone call, and I pretended it was Robert Urich on the other end. I mean, I- I didn't hurt anybody or anything. Although your-your plumber seemed a little confused.
Sam: Well, I'm... Don't worry about it. I'm sure everyone will forgive you.
Woody: But it was a lie, Sam, and I've never told a lie before.
Sam: What?
Woody: No, no, wait. That's a lie. l- I've told lies See, now, that's two lies. See how much easier it gets? Oh, my God, I'm out of control. What's next? Murder?

Quote from Norm

Tim: Looks like the old pool tournament is out again for next week.
Cliff: Yeah. Oh, yeah? Fancy that. Well, did you tell Norm? When he hears that, he'll go ape. [chuckles]
Norm: Cliff, your delivery of jokes is as bad as your delivery of the mail.
Cliff: Oh! Mighty Joe Young strikes back there.
Norm: How'd you become a mailman anyway? What, did you flunk out of tollbooth school? [laughter]
Cliff: Hey, all right, now, that's a good one. Yep.
Norm: Know why, uh, dogs hate mailmen? They just want to be like everyone else. [guys laugh]
Cliff: All right, that's it. It's go time.
Norm: Okay, fellas, this is the guy I've been telling you about.

Quote from Norm

Cliff: Yeah, Normie, I'm, uh, I'm sort of sorry about everything that happened.
Norm: Oh, well, Cliff, I'm even sorrier for what's about to happen.
Cliff: Huh? What do you mean?
[A monkey enters the bear wearing a USPS uniform and a mail bag, carrying a parcel and a clipboard. After Woody takes the clipboard and signs for the parcel, the monkey hands over the parcel and leaves.]
Cliff: You're dead meat, Peterson!
[Cliff chases Norm around the bar, up the stairs to Melville's]

Quote from Woody

Bob Urich: Hey, Woody.
Woody: Hey, Bob, how are you doing?
Bob Urich: Fine. Look, I was just passing by, and I wanted to return your gloves. Thanks for letting me use them.
Woody: Hey, my pleasure. Listen, could you hang on a second?
Bob Urich: Sure.
Woody: I got some friends you'd love to meet.
Bob Urich: Yeah.
Woody: Miss Howe? You'll never guess who's here. Bob Urich.
Rebecca: [o.s.] Woody, it's been a horrible night. I'm really not in the mood to be teased.
Woody: No, no, it's the truth. He's really here.
Rebecca: [o.s.] Woody, go away!
Woody: She's a big fan of yours.

Quote from Woody

Woody: Hey, guys! Bob Urich's here.
Frasier: [o.s.] Oh, sure, Wood. Who's he with, Liz Taylor?
Woody: You're not, are you?
Bob Urich: No. Look, uh, Woody, uh, we were shooting late, and I'm having a few people over. You want to come by?
Woody: You bet.
Bob Urich: Yeah, come on.
Woody: Great.
Bob Urich: The car's right outside.
Woody: Could you hang on a second? I want to check here.
Bob Urich: Sure.
Woody: Hey, Sam, uh... Robert Urich's here. Uh, he wants me to go over to his house. Can I leave?
Sam: [without turning around] Woody, Woody, Wo- All right, yeah, whatever you say.
Woody: Great, we're out of here.
Bob Urich: Good night.
Sam: [turns around and sees the bottom-half of a man going up the stairs] No.

Quote from Norm

Cliff: Normie, you, uh you ever feel like we're getting in a little rut here?
Norm: How do you mean, Cliff?
Cliff: Well, every day, we come into the same bar, sit on the same stools, drink beer, night after... I mean, there's got to be something a little bit more to life.
Norm: Cliffie, for the last time, I am not changing barstools with you.

Quote from Sam

Frasier: So, Sam, uh, anything interesting in the corporate newsletter there?
Sam: Oh, well, let's see here. Uh... yes. Did you know that the, uh, corporation that owns this bar purchases one percent of all the string made in America? [murmuring]
Norm: Whoo! My blood pressure, Sam, please.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Aw, come on, guys. There must be something going on in our lives that we can talk about. Well, Norm, what did you do today?
Norm: Well, I just about finished the first coat of paint at Cliff's apartment.
Frasier: Oh, yawns all around. Next?

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