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Woody for Hire Meets Norman of the Apes

‘Woody for Hire Meets Norman of the Apes’

Season 6, Episode 13 -  Aired January 7, 1988

Cliff insults Norm by refusing to pay him for painting his apartment. Meanwhile, Woody makes his television debut on Robert Urich's Spenser for Hire.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Well, l, for one, applaud your desire to shake things up a bit, Cliff. Sometimes I think I'd give anything for a change - no matter how slight - in this deadly, unvarying routine of life.
Woody: What can I get you, Dr. Crane?
Frasier: The usual.


Quote from Carla

Carla: Hello.
Woody: Carla, what are you doing in? You're not due in for another hour.
Carla: I had to get out of my house. It was a zoo. Serafina took the hedge clippers to the shag carpet. Little Lotte unplugged the refrigerator to see if frozen peas melt faster than ice cream. Gino made a volcano for a science project in the microwave. And on top of everything else, me and Eddie had a big fight.
Cliff: Oh, geez, what about?
Carla: He had the nerve to say I don't know how to control my kids. [phone rings] I don't know. We just can't seem to see eye to eye on the right way to discipline 'em.
Woody: Carla, it's for you.
Carla: Oh God. [takes the phone] Hello. I thought we settled this. No, you definitely cannot hit him. No, you cannot lock him in the closet, and you absolutely cannot wash his mouth out with soap. Anne-Marie, you untie your stepfather right now!

Quote from Woody

Sam: What are you doing, there?
Woody: Miss Howe put moi in charge of refreshments for the book club.
Sam: Well, yeah, but what are those?
Woody: Finger sandwiches. You know, the part that takes the most time is getting that middle knuckle right.
Sam: Woody, they don't actually have to look like fingers.
Woody: Yeah, right, Sam.

Quote from Carla

Sam: [answers phones] Cheers. Yeah, hi, Carla.
Carla: [laughs maniacally]
Sam: Bye, Carla. [hangs up]
Cliff: Hey, what was that about?
Sam: Uh, it's just Carla reminding us it's her night off.

Quote from Rebecca

Woody: Parking, but it was my own fault. l, uh I let the meter run out while I was watching them film Spenser for Hire. [all talking at once]
Rebecca: What? Spenser for Hire? That's my favorite! Was Robert Urich there?
Woody: Oh, yeah. It's his show.
Rebecca: And you saw him?
Woody: Oh, my God!
Cliff: Oh, eh, well, Normie over here's met him.
Rebecca: You lie! What's he really like?
Norm: Well, you know, he just sped past me in his BMW, but he seemed like a real courteous driver.
Rebecca: You know, I've heard that about him.
Sam: Oh, would... [scoffs] Would you stop it? I mean, the guy puts his pants on one leg at a time just like everybody else. Why is everybody so gaga over actors? [mutters]
Rebecca: Hold it, hold it. I'm still picturing him with his pants down around his ankles.

Quote from Sam

Rebecca: Well, just have your pool tournament another night.
Sam: Oh, right! [laughs] Like we can, uh, rearrange our schedule here. Right.
Rebecca: Well, what about Monday night?
Sam: Yo, guys, we got a lady right off the boat here, doesn't speak any English. Tell her what happens Monday night, will you, please?
All: Football!
Rebecca: How about Tuesday?
Hugh: Darts Night.
Rebecca: Wednesday?
Cliff: Well, recovery from Darts Night.
Tim: Thursday's Poker Night.
Sam: Friday's a night to howl.
Cliff: And, uh, Saturday night is Date Night, so, uh, where does that leave us?
Norm: Horny on Sundays.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Say, excuse me. I don't mean to be rude, but, uh, do you ladies comprise a book club?
Sylvia: Yes, that's right.
Frasier: Well, the salon of the '80s. You know, it's encouraging to meet a group of adults who still read in this day and age rather than pay homage to the great god, television. I can't tell you how heartened I am...
Sylvia: Excuse me. I have a cigarette going back there.
Frasier: Of course.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: So, uh, Normie, you think you'll be, uh, through, uh, painting my apartment tomorrow, or what?
Norm: Yeah, I'll finish up tomorrow. Can you have a, uh, check ready for me, Cliff?
Cliff: Well, I'll, uh give you one now. Uh, okay, pay to the order of Norman Peterson one zillion dollars! [laughter] There you go! Buy yourself a yacht, young fella.
Norm: Cliff, uh, you are going to pay me for this job, aren't you?
Cliff: Hey, Normie, look, you, uh, didn't charge me last year when you painted Ma's house, did you?
Norm: Well, that was before I was a professional.
Cliff: Oh, I'll say. We never did get those windows unstuck.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Cliff, I finished half your place. I'll be happy to come by and finish the rest of it, okay? I'd appreciate a check. If you've got a problem with that, why don't we work out a payment schedule right now?
Cliff: Look, uh, Norm, money is not a problem. You know that. It's just, uh, well, I'm not a cheap man.
Norm: Oh, a statement I'll wager has never been uttered by anyone but a cheap man.
Cliff: Look, Norm, if I knew you were going to charge me for all this, I would've demanded a better job. Now, I've been letting you slide, buddy.
Norm: If you think the work is so worthless, just finish it yourself, Cliff.
Cliff: Well, uh, not that I couldn't. I mean, it doesn't exactly take a Phi Beta Kappa to stick a brush in a bucket, slap it on a wall, does it? I mean, any monkey can do that, huh?
Norm: Oh, yeah, as opposed to the high level of skill and precision it takes to shove a postcard through a slot.
Cliff: That's enough, enough, okay, enough, Normie. I'm, uh, waiting for an apology.
Norm: Fine. I'll drop it in the mail. That way, you'll never get it.

Quote from Cliff

Norm: You know, it's actually a good paint job, Cliff.
Cliff: Oh, yeah, thanks, there, Normie. You know, l, uh you know, I thought I could do this by myself, but, uh, when I started, I realized that I needed somebody with your specialized skills and talents, eh...
Norm: Well, well, takes a big man to admit that, Cliff. Glad you appreciate the value of professional labor.
Cliff: Oh, yeah, I sure do, uh... Listen, if you guys don't mind, I'd like to introduce you to the, uh, skilled artisan who did this fine work. [all muttering] Yeah, he's in the, uh, bathroom over here, finishing up. Uh, hey, Duane, come out here.
[The guys, with the exception of Norm, laugh as a monkey in overalls walks out of the bathroom with a paintbrush in his hand. Norm gets up and walks out.]

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