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‘Relief Bartender’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Relief Bartender

423. Relief Bartender

Aired March 27, 1986

After Sam decides to become the host/manager of Cheers to draw in more visitors, he hires a new bartender.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Aren't people like that sad? Huddled together, totally lacking confidence in their own individuality. And incapable of an original thought. You know, as Dr. Bennett Ludlow once said, "l'll speak no thought but mine own."

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Quote from Woody

Sam: Boy, yeah, you know, you really surprised me here. l... You're a pretty tough negotiator.
Woody: Ah, yeah, Sam, boy, I know you think I'm just a country bumpkin. And the Boyd family may not be too sharp about a lot of things. I mean, we don't know much about math. We don't know much about science. We don't know much about politics. We don't know much about medicine. We don't know much about world affairs, but I'll tell you, there's something we're pretty darned sharp about.
Sam: What's that?
Woody: What were we talking about?
Sam: Machinery.
Woody: Oh, we don't know much about machinery. I'll tell you, my uncle, he lost his arm in some kind of contraption...

Quote from Woody

Norm: Here we go, Cliffie. Pearson's Garage, Braintree. They can fix anything. All right?
Cliff: Yeah, well, yeah. Thank you very much, Normie.
Woody: You know, my toaster's on the blink. You think they could fix it?
Norm: Well, only if you got one in your car. See, they're auto mechanics, Woody.
Woody: Oh, great, it's in the back seat right now.
Cliff: All right, all right. Take it easy, Norm. The kid's good, but you can take him.
Norm: All right, I have to select my words rather carefully here. Woody, they can fix only those things that originally came with the car when you bought it. As far as I know, cars don't come with toasters.
Woody: Well, mine did. It was part of a promotional campaign. You know, if I'd bought a convertible, I'd have got a food processor.
Norm: Ask for Luis. He doesn't speak English.

Quote from Woody

Woody: Wait a minute.
Sam: What? What?
Woody: I remember. We were talking about money.
Sam: Oh, that's right. That's right. We were talking about your $50-a-month raise.
Woody: Sam, it was $100 a month. But you know, I'll tell you. I think $100 a month is too steep. I'll settle for $30 a week.
Sam: You got it. Host/manager extraordinaire.

Quote from Diane

Sam: Oh, come on, Diane. It was just physical. I mean, that stuff doesn't mean anything to me. Come on, don't you see what I'm doing here? I'm just honing my skills for that magical night that you and I hit the sheets running.
Diane: Sam, you and I will couple when 1,000 ice ages have come and gone.
Sam: All right. How soon do we get to play touchy-feely?

Quote from Diane

Diane: Sam, may I speak to you for a minute? This situation isn't working. Your schemes aren't working, and you're driving Carla and me crazy, and if you continue this entrepreneurial bent of yours, you're going to bankrupt the bar.
Sam: Don't worry about it. I'll think of something.
Diane: Well, I don't know what.
Sam: Well, because you don't have my brain.
Diane: Well, whoever has it should return it. You need it right now.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Woody, whisky neat.
Diane: Frasier, what are you doing here? I thought you had a date tonight.
Frasier: I did, but when I showed up, she was in the middle of a shower.
Diane: Well, couldn't you wait?
Frasier: It was her bridal shower. Next time I make a date two months in advance, I'll call to confirm.

Quote from Diane

Norm: You can't afford yourself as a full-time host/manager.
Sam: No, see, that's the beauty of it. As manager, I'll be thinking up new schemes to bring in more business, but I'll be so darned charming as the host, that people will start bringing in more friends. It's perfect. I'll be thinking and charming all at the same time.
Diane: Add chewing gum, and we can sell tickets.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Hey, Diane, how you doing there?
Diane: How am I doing? Did you ask me how I'm doing?
Sam: No, not me. That was Woody. He's a ventriloquist. Why? What's the matter?
Diane: Last week...
Sam: Yeah?
Diane: ...we were at passion's portal standing on the threshold of a new and excitingly textured relationship. We were about to open the door on a brand-new beginning for us.
Sam: Well, I knocked at the door, but nobody was home, so I went to the mountains with the girl next door.

Quote from Carla

Cliff: Good evening, citizens.
Norm: Looking a little beat, buddy. Been staying up late watching those adult movies on cable again?
Cliff: Ah, Ma put a lock on that channel. Uh, it's my paperboy, Normie. He's hitting every place but the front porch. So I got a little plan worked out now. All right, get this, 4:30 tomorrow morning in the a.m., I'm gonna put on the old camouflage jacket, stick a couple of branches behind my ears, and duck in the rhododendron bush. He's smart, but I'm a little bit smarter.
Carla: You talking about the kid or the rhododendron bush?

Quote from Woody

Sam: This has to do with me. This has to do with my life. I mean, Don was up with the Red Sox for what, a cup of coffee, for goodness sake. I was there five years, and now this clown is a celebrity, and I'm paying my employees to come talk to me.
Carla: You're gonna be paying us a lot more unless this conversation starts getting exciting.
Sam: Okay, fair enough. I brought you in here because I wanna ask you a question: What is Cheers missing?
Woody: A mechanical bull.
Sam: No, Woody, that was one of those questions you ask when you don't really want an answer.
Woody: Oh, you mean, rhetorical.
Sam: Yeah, rhetorical, right.

Quote from Diane

Sam: Anyway, what I'm gonna do here, is I am gonna come out from behind the bar, and I'm gonna become a full-time manager/host.
Carla: A what?
Sam: Manager/host. Yeah, I greet people. No, it's perfect. I mean, let's face it. I'm recognized on the street.
Diane: So is a fire hydrant.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Hey, what's with the spread, Sam?
Sam: Well, I really topped myself tonight. I booked a party in here. The-- Let's see. The Fraternal Order of the Caribou's sending a group over.
Diane: Great. A group of loudmouthed, rowdy conventioneers, drinking like fish, swearing like sailors, and putting their paws all over us.
Carla: Yeah, happy birthday to me.

Quote from Carla

Sam: All right, it's okay. I know things haven't gone exactly great up to this point, but they will, they will. I'll think of something.
Cliff: Hey, skimpy outfits on the waitresses, Sammy.
Sam: That's not bad.
Carla: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I don't want people having to look at something I'm ashamed of.
Sam: You got a lovely body.
Cliff: Yeah.
Carla: I'm talking about hers.
Cliff: You see, Sammy, topless waitresses, scientific fact, they can deliver drinks faster than their clothed counterparts.
Carla: Just forget it, Clavin. This is just your slimy way of trying to cop a look at my tooters.

Quote from Woody

Sam: Woody, Woody, Woody. Wait, wait, wait, man. Wait, wait, wait. Listen, there's somebody in the bar here, somebody from the Harvard Club, who wants to hire Ken, so you don't have to leave. I mean, just get back behind the bar, man. God. What a relief.
Woody: Wait a minute, Sam.
Sam: What?
Woody: What do you think I am? I got fired from a job that means more to me than anything else in the world, and you want me to just come walking back in here because Ken wants to leave? Well, I can't do that.
Sam: Listen, I need you. Please, isn't there anything I can do to change your mind here?
Woody: Hundred-dollar-a-month raise?
Sam: Hundred dollars? [Woody starts to walk out] No, no, Woody, wait, wait. I need you. Yeah, okay, a hundred bucks.
Woody: It's a deal.

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