Coach: OK, please, everybody, listen up, huh? It's time once again for the third annual Cheers picnic. Now, I'm going to need volunteers for the various committees. First, food. Now, who'll volunteer to take care of the grub? [silence] Well, what the heck. I can do this one. Ernie Pantusso. I did a pretty good job last year. At least no one complained. [laughs] This brings us to the entertainment committee. Who wants to chair this baby? Well, entertainment goes with food. Ernie Pantusso. Ah, we'll need two captains for the softball teams. Two. Uh, come on. A show of hands. [nobody raises their hand] Well, I can handle one team. Ernie Pantusso. OK, so who wants the other? One. One more. Well, I'm going to be out there on the field anyway, so Ernie Pantusso. Oh, and last but not least, I need somebody to head up transportation. I got it. Ernie Pantusso. Now, there'll be a meeting of the committee chairmen is at my house tonight at eight o'clock. Please, everybody, try to be on time.

Sam: Carla, do you mind here? Now, what kind of artist should I get to paint Diane?
Carla: You better get a bad one.
Sam: Why?
Carla: Because you don't want it to look like her, do you?
Sam: You know, your wisecracks all the time don't make things any easier here.
Carla: Come on, Sam, you know my philosophy. If you can't say something nice, say it about Diane.

Sam: You know, it's getting to the point where I start doing things I don't even want to do, but just knowing it's going to tick her off, I gotta do them. The more I think it's going to drive her crazy, the happier I get. Is that- Is that weird?
Carla: No, no. We know the woman.

Carla: She bought that? I'd like to sell her the old North Church.
Coach: Good luck. I owned that once. It took me forever to unload it. Boy, did I take a bath on that.

Norm: [enters] Evening, everybody.
All: Norm!
Coach: How are you feeling, Norm?
Norm: Naked without my beer, Coach. Walked all the way over here, dragging my thirst behind me.

Diane: Why did you want them to list you as an eligible bachelor? Isn't that for men who are actively seeking female companionship.
Sam: No, no, not entirely. No, just good publicity for the bar, that's all. Besides, it gave me a chance to air some of my views on political issues.
Diane: What political issues did you air views on?
Sam: I told them I thought nuclear war would be bad news.
Diane: Oh, Sam, you've stirred up a hornet's nest there.
Sam: Really? Well, I can always say I was misquoted.
Diane: Oh, I see. When they say "eligible bachelors" means eligible for a brain transplant.

Sam: I knew it. I knew you'd make a big deal out of this. You make a big deal out of everything. Come on. All it was was a nice little article on my life, my interests and a simple picture of me. I mean, it wasn't like it was cheesecake.
Diane: No, Sam. With men, it's beefcake. If I posed, it would be cheesecake.
Carla: If you posed, it would be crumb cake.

Sam: Okay, Diane. I'm going to start being honest with you right now. You know how I told you I told that reporter about you? I didn't tell her anything about you.
Diane: I see.
Sam: But I wish I had.
Diane: Thank you for respecting me enough to tell the truth.
Sam: Well, actually, I'm lying again. I'm glad I didn't tell her. It would have made me looked whipped. If you want me to get on that telephone and tell her, I won't. I was about to say I would, but I won't. The truth is- The truth- The truth is that I like having millions of women looking at my picture and dreaming, "l want him". This is just me being honest with you here.
Diane: That's exactly what I wanted.
Sam: Well, this is great. This is great. Why didn't we do this sooner, huh?
Diane: I don't know.
Sam: You see, how if you start telling the truth right away- [Diane strangles Sam with the phone cord]

Sam: Hey, Tonto. I thought I told you to beat it.
Phillip Semenko: Please. Something important is happening.
Sam: That's right. You're leaving. The deal's off. Now come on, beat it.
Phillip Semenko: You have nothing to do with this! How dare you interrupt the artistic process at its very start?
Sam: That's how I get my kicks. Now, come, vamoose. Am-scray.
Diane: Sam, stop. This is Phillip Semenko, the genius. He wants to paint me. I've never been so excited in my life.
Sam: You heard of this clown before?
Diane: Yes, of course. He's one of the most promising young artists in the country. Some day he could be great.
Sam: Oh, come on, Diane. If he's a great artist, what's he doing alive?

Sam: It's not my fault. You know, she always starts things. Telling me how to walk, how to act, how to think.
Cliff: Yeah, yeah, and you've been doing those things since you were what, 14?