Norm: Sammy... California?! Riots, smog, earthquakes?
Cliff: Don't make me laugh, now. There's no earthquakes in California.
Woody: There aren't?
Cliff: No, there's never been any! See, what they tell us are earthquakes are actually sonic booms caused by a project that's been funded by the U.S. government. You see, what they're doing is they're creating a huge cavity - a tunnel, if you will - right to the center of the Earth, where they're gonna build a giant computer to control the planet's rotation. Can I... Can I be the only one that's heard of this?
Frasier: You know, Cliff, electro-shock therapy only sounds scary. Let me bring in a color brochure. It features Babar.
Woody: Uh, can I get one?
Frasier: I'll bring in a boxful!

Diane: So, Rebecca, tell us about yourself. Sam never mentioned what you do.
Rebecca: He didn't?
Sam: Well, it never came up.
Rebecca: Well, uh... [clears throat] I am a corporate attorney... with the firm... Emerson Lake and Palmer.
Reed: That sounds familiar.
Rebecca: Yeah, they're a pretty famous group. Listen, um... And what I specialize in there is, uh, is product liability cases.
Sam: That was good. I mean, is good. Because, uh, it's a good job she has.
Diane: And you still find time to raise four small children?
Rebecca: Oh, they're not so small. Uh, Sam Junior is, uh, five. And, um, then Darby's four. And, uh, Newton's three. And then, uh, little two-year-old Chelsea, she's one.

Diane: Carla, I wasn't going to tell you this, but maybe you should hear it. The screenplay for which I was so extravagantly honored was based on your life. You were my inspiration.
Carla: Really?
Diane: Yes. It's the story of a resilient, hard working mother, bucking all odds to raise her six children.
Carla: Six? I got eight.
Diane: Good God! You breed like a fly!
Carla: Well, uh, this movie... people liked it?
Diane: They loved it, Carla. People were inspired by the plight of my heroine.
Carla: Yeah? Well, what happens to me? I mean, you know, to her, in the end.
Diane: Well out of the despair and frustration of her unmanageable life, she goes berserk and takes out a few people with an Uzi. That cost me the Humanitas Award.

Sam: One by one, I seem to be losing my, uh thrills and, uh, tingles, you know? I keep asking myself, "What- What is the point to life?"
Woody: Whoo, that's a tough question.
Sam: Yeah.
Cliff: Eh. Well, I got the answer.
Frasier: Somehow, I knew you would.
Cliff: Comfortable shoes.
Frasier: Shoes?
Cliff: Yeah, if you're not wearing comfortable shoes, life is just chaos. I mean, the greatest accomplishments in history have been made by men wearing accommodating shoes. Uh, Frasier, tell me, who do you think is the greatest thinker in all mankind?
Frasier: I don't know, uh, Aristotle.
Cliff: There you go. Sandals. Perhaps the most comfortable shoe there is. You hardly even know you have them on. I mean, Confucius, thongs. Einstein, loose loafers.
Woody: Wow.

Carla: I'll tell you what the point of life is: Having kids. Creating life. Sure, it's disappointing and painful, heartbreaking at times. Sure, they can drive you crazy and make you think you just can't get through another day. Where was I going with this?

Woody: That, uh, Miss Chambers' husband seemed like a nice guy.
Frasier: She'll make him pay for it. If she's left him a shred of manhood, it's only because she's waiting for the right moment to- to flick it away like the last shriveled pea on her plate. Thank God I'm over her. Hit me, Woody! Four fingers of the meanest swill you got!

Diane: Norman, Clifford. You're exactly the way I remember you.
Cliff: Well, uh, looks can be deceiving there, Diane. I mean, our- our lives have changed in innumerable ways.
Diane: How so?
Cliff: [long silence] Well, uh, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Sam: You know, I was hoping you guys would, uh, join me in a smoke session tonight. You know, kind of a welcome home party. Cliffie, what do you say, man?
Cliff: Buddy, I'd love to stay, but geez, it's getting late. I better beg off.
Sam: Oh, all right. How 'bout you, Norm?
Norm: Can't, Sammy. I came to the conclusion I've wasted too much time in this bar, like a couple of decades. Gonna go home to Vera.
Sam: Vera?
Norm: My wife. Maybe you remember her? That is her name, isn't it? See ya.

Norm: I knew you'd come back.
Sam: You did?
Norm: You can never be unfaithful to your one true love. You always come back to her.
Sam: Who is that?
Norm: Think about it, Sam. [exits]
Sam: [chuckles softly] [to himself] Boy, I'll tell you... I'm the luckiest son of a bitch on Earth.
[A man walks down the stairs and knocks on the door]
Sam: Sorry, we're closed.

Mike Ditka: [on TV] Robert Vanderveer and Kenneth Montoya for Tris- Tristan and lsolde Get a Place in Jersey. And the winner is... [drum roll]
Kim Alexis: [on TV] Diane Chambers, The Heart Held Hostage. [applause] [dramatic music playing]
Frasier: Can it be? Is it really her?
Diane: [on TV] Thank you all. And thank you, cable television, for allowing those of us who eschew the pap and pablum of commercial television to sing, to dance, to write and to listen to the whispers of our muses. Although sometimes the voices of Calliope, Clio, Erato, Euterpe, Melpomene, Polyhymia, Terpsichore, Thalia and Urania are too soft to be heard. Forgive me, gals, if I forgot someone.
Frasier: God, is it her.
Diane: [on TV] Thanks to my parents for conceiving and bearing me. Although both wanted a boy locked as were so many of their generation in masculine primacy. Anyhow, where to begin?