Previous Episode

‘One for the Road’ Quotes Page 1 of 5

Cheers: One for the Road

1126. One for the Road

Aired May 20, 1993

Sam is reunited with Diane after she appears on a cable awards show. Meanwhile, Don proposes to Rebecca, and Woody starts his new job on the city council, on the series finale of Cheers.

Quote from Cliff

Norm: Sammy... California?! Riots, smog, earthquakes?
Cliff: Don't make me laugh, now. There's no earthquakes in California.
Woody: There aren't?
Cliff: No, there's never been any! See, what they tell us are earthquakes are actually sonic booms caused by a project that's been funded by the U.S. government. You see, what they're doing is they're creating a huge cavity - a tunnel, if you will - right to the center of the Earth, where they're gonna build a giant computer to control the planet's rotation. Can I... Can I be the only one that's heard of this?
Frasier: You know, Cliff, electro-shock therapy only sounds scary. Let me bring in a color brochure. It features Babar.
Woody: Uh, can I get one?
Frasier: I'll bring in a boxful!

Rate

Quote from Rebecca

Diane: So, Rebecca, tell us about yourself. Sam never mentioned what you do.
Rebecca: He didn't?
Sam: Well, it never came up.
Rebecca: Well, uh... [clears throat] I am a corporate attorney... with the firm... Emerson Lake and Palmer.
Reed: That sounds familiar.
Rebecca: Yeah, they're a pretty famous group. Listen, um... And what I specialize in there is, uh, is product liability cases.
Sam: That was good. I mean, is good. Because, uh, it's a good job she has.
Diane: And you still find time to raise four small children?
Rebecca: Oh, they're not so small. Uh, Sam Junior is, uh, five. And, um, then Darby's four. And, uh, Newton's three. And then, uh, little two-year-old Chelsea, she's one.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Carla, I wasn't going to tell you this, but maybe you should hear it. The screenplay for which I was so extravagantly honored was based on your life. You were my inspiration.
Carla: Really?
Diane: Yes. It's the story of a resilient, hard working mother, bucking all odds to raise her six children.
Carla: Six? I got eight.
Diane: Good God! You breed like a fly!
Carla: Well, uh, this movie... people liked it?
Diane: They loved it, Carla. People were inspired by the plight of my heroine.
Carla: Yeah? Well, what happens to me? I mean, you know, to her, in the end.
Diane: Well out of the despair and frustration of her unmanageable life, she goes berserk and takes out a few people with an Uzi. That cost me the Humanitas Award.

Quote from Cliff

Sam: One by one, I seem to be losing my, uh thrills and, uh, tingles, you know? I keep asking myself, "What- What is the point to life?"
Woody: Whoo, that's a tough question.
Sam: Yeah.
Cliff: Eh. Well, I got the answer.
Frasier: Somehow, I knew you would.
Cliff: Comfortable shoes.
Frasier: Shoes?
Cliff: Yeah, if you're not wearing comfortable shoes, life is just chaos. I mean, the greatest accomplishments in history have been made by men wearing accommodating shoes. Uh, Frasier, tell me, who do you think is the greatest thinker in all mankind?
Frasier: I don't know, uh, Aristotle.
Cliff: There you go. Sandals. Perhaps the most comfortable shoe there is. You hardly even know you have them on. I mean, Confucius, thongs. Einstein, loose loafers.
Woody: Wow.

Quote from Carla

Carla: I'll tell you what the point of life is: Having kids. Creating life. Sure, it's disappointing and painful, heartbreaking at times. Sure, they can drive you crazy and make you think you just can't get through another day. Where was I going with this?

Quote from Cliff

Diane: Norman, Clifford. You're exactly the way I remember you.
Cliff: Well, uh, looks can be deceiving there, Diane. I mean, our- our lives have changed in innumerable ways.
Diane: How so?
Cliff: [long silence] Well, uh, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Quote from Frasier

Woody: That, uh, Miss Chambers' husband seemed like a nice guy.
Frasier: She'll make him pay for it. If she's left him a shred of manhood, it's only because she's waiting for the right moment to- to flick it away like the last shriveled pea on her plate. Thank God I'm over her. Hit me, Woody! Four fingers of the meanest swill you got!

Quote from Norm

Sam: You know, I was hoping you guys would, uh, join me in a smoke session tonight. You know, kind of a welcome home party. Cliffie, what do you say, man?
Cliff: Buddy, I'd love to stay, but geez, it's getting late. I better beg off.
Sam: Oh, all right. How 'bout you, Norm?
Norm: Can't, Sammy. I came to the conclusion I've wasted too much time in this bar, like a couple of decades. Gonna go home to Vera.
Sam: Vera?
Norm: My wife. Maybe you remember her? That is her name, isn't it? See ya.

Quote from Sam

Norm: I knew you'd come back.
Sam: You did?
Norm: You can never be unfaithful to your one true love. You always come back to her.
Sam: Who is that?
Norm: Think about it, Sam. [exits]
Sam: [chuckles softly] [to himself] Boy, I'll tell you... I'm the luckiest son of a bitch on Earth.
[A man walks down the stairs and knocks on the door]
Sam: Sorry, we're closed.

Quote from Diane

Mike Ditka: [on TV] Robert Vanderveer and Kenneth Montoya for Tris- Tristan and lsolde Get a Place in Jersey. And the winner is... [drum roll]
Kim Alexis: [on TV] Diane Chambers, The Heart Held Hostage. [applause] [dramatic music playing]
Frasier: Can it be? Is it really her?
Diane: [on TV] Thank you all. And thank you, cable television, for allowing those of us who eschew the pap and pablum of commercial television to sing, to dance, to write and to listen to the whispers of our muses. Although sometimes the voices of Calliope, Clio, Erato, Euterpe, Melpomene, Polyhymia, Terpsichore, Thalia and Urania are too soft to be heard. Forgive me, gals, if I forgot someone.
Frasier: God, is it her.
Diane: [on TV] Thanks to my parents for conceiving and bearing me. Although both wanted a boy locked as were so many of their generation in masculine primacy. Anyhow, where to begin?

Quote from Frasier

Woody: Hey, Dr. Crane, you know, tomorrow's the big day I'm getting sworn in in Boston City Council.
Frasier: Oh, yes, the beginning of your political career. It started out as a small joke and turned into an enormous one.

Quote from Carla

Diane: [on TV] Thanks to the Amazon Rain Forest for providing me and you, ladies and gentlemen, with 40% of our oxygen. The devastation must end!
Carla: Woody, I want you to look at the television and tell me what you see.
[The guys at the bar gesture to Woody]
Woody: Uh, the television isn't even on.
Carla: [sighs] [chuckling] I just must be having one of my little spells.
Diane: [on TV] Thanks to you, Sylvia Plath...
Carla: Whoa! This is a doozy!

Quote from Carla

Frasier: So, local girl makes good. Hmm. Ah, well, here's to Diane and her success.
Sam: Well, I'm gonna do you one better there. I think I'm gonna send her a telegram of congratulations. You know, it's kind of the classy thing to do.
Carla: H-H-Hold it. Wait a minute. Why would you be sending a telegram to my hallucination? Unless, it's not a hallucination.
Sam: What- What- What are you talking about? The... [The guys gesture to Sam] Oh, yeah. Oh, yes. Yes, it is. As a matter of fact, this, this whole thing is part of the hallucination. [all agreeing]
Carla: Wow. I must have been in a car accident.
Sam: Mmm.
Carla: I'm probably in a hospital right now, hooked up to a bunch of machines, barely clinging to life.
Sam: Yes. That's... That's probably true.
Carla: Phew. What a relief.

Quote from Carla

Diane: Hello, everyone.
Carla: [screams]
Diane: Nice to see you, too, Carla.
Sam: Diane... What are you doing here?
Carla: [screams]
Sam: You invited me, remember?
Carla: [screams]
[Sam covers Carla's mouth]

Quote from Woody

Diane: Hello, Woody.
Woody: Well, hi, Miss Chambers.
Diane: What's new in your life?
Woody: Oh, well, you know, l, uh, got married, and I'm gonna have a kid.
Diane: Wonderful!
Woody: Yeah. Oh, also I just got elected to the Boston City Council.
Diane: How nice. And I'm next in line for the throne of England.
Woody: Really? Well, you know, maybe we'll work together someday. You know, hammer out a treaty or something.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Hello, Diane.
Diane: Hello, Frasier. You're looking well.
Frasier: I'm feeling well. I'm happily married with a bright young son and a successful practice. But, you know, what's most important and I just realized it this moment is I'm over you.
Diane: I'm glad.
Frasier: There's absolutely nothing here anymore. I'm over you. You could be a- a total stranger for all I'm feeling. You could be ugly and gnarled and toothless without that shining hair, those dancing eyes, these graceful, supple limbs. Thank God I'm free.
Diane: Frasier, you're hurting me.
Frasier: Well, you never hurt me, did you?! Anyway, good to see you.

Quote from Paul

Paul: So then what happened?
Frasier: So the next thing we know, Diane turns up here with her husband and asks to meet Sam's wife.
Paul: Holy moly.
Cliff: Yeah, yeah. Then Sam goes back there and grabs our fair Rebecca, introduces her as Mrs. Malone, then they toddle on up there to, uh, Melville's for lunch.
Paul: Man, oh, man, oh, man.
Norm: Which ought to be very interesting because Rebecca's been a total gibbering idiot ever since Don dumped her.
Paul: Damn it all. Everything neat happens when I'm not here! I always miss everything! [walks into the backroom]

Quote from Diane

Diane: We're pathetic.
Sam: How so?
Diane: Sam, you just spent the afternoon pretending to be married to a woman who's the emotional equivalent of Mr. Toad's Wild Ride and who's desperately in love with another man.
Sam: Yeah, well at least I didn't fly across the country to make an ass out of myself.
Diane: Why bother when you do it so brilliantly right here?

Quote from Kelly

Frasier: Well, Kelly, you must be very proud of your husband.
Kelly: Oh, yes, I certainly am, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Yes.
Kelly: You know, the city of Boston has lots of problems.
Frasier: Oh.
Kelly: I can't imagine what they might be, but I know Woody is the man to solve them.
Frasier: I hope you're right.
Kelly: After all, we have to make the town a safe place for little Woody Jr. to be driven through on his way to private school.
Frasier: An inspiring thought.

Quote from Sam

Rebecca: Where have you been?
Sam: Well, the sex compulsion therapy group thing.
Rebecca: Yeah. We're all real proud of you with that. How's that thing going?
Sam: Uh, slow but painful. This week I'm not gonna think about sex at all or even hear about or talk about anything remotely sexual.
Rebecca: Sam, it's about my love life.
Sam: Yeah, that should be safe.

Page 2 
 Previous Episode
  View another episode