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‘I'm Getting My Act Together and Sticking It in Your Face’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: I'm Getting My Act Together and Sticking It in Your Face

918. I'm Getting My Act Together and Sticking It in Your Face

Aired February 7, 1991

After deciding not to marry Robin, Rebecca has locked herself in the office. Meanwhile, Frasier attempts to enrich the culture at Cheers by reading classic novels.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: You know, at the risk of sounding insensitive, I'm... I'm glad she's getting out of here. Her walking around in that wedding dress was just a tad too "Miss Havisham" for me.
Sam: Who?
Frasier: Miss Havisham. Famous character from Charles Dickens' Great Expectations. Spends the entire novel walking around in her wedding dress.
Norm: What?!
Frasier: Yes. Well, surely you know it. It's Great Expectations. Pip? Miss Havisham? Magwich? And, uh... And four pizza-loving turtles who practice martial arts in the sewer.
Norm: Oh, cowabunga, dudes!
Cliff: You know, there's a lot of people don't realize that that was a comic book first.

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Quote from Frasier

Frasier: All right. Gather around, everyone. I am going to right a horrible wrong. I am going to read to you Dickens' classic, A Tale of Two Cities, and you will see just how much fun great literature can be. [all groaning] "Book the First. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."
Norm: Hey, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. Which was it?
Frasier: Just stay tuned, Norm.
Norm: "It was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness. It was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity."
Cliff: Boy, this Dickens guy really liked to keep his butt covered, didn't he?
Frasier: "There was a king with a large jaw, and a queen with a plain face, on the throne of England." [the guys turn around] "And... and..." "...and there was a bloodthirsty clown, who beckoned innocent children into the sewer, and swallowed them whole."
Cliff: Ah! That's a neat trick.

Quote from Rebecca

Sam: [on the phone] What are you doing? Where are you going?
Rebecca: I'm- l'm going home to San Diego, Sam. I want to try and forget Boston. I want to erase the last three years of my life.
Sam: It's been five, Rebecca.
Rebecca: [sobs] Has it been that long?

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: As we recall from Monday's installment of A Tale of Two Cities, Sydney Carton was about to go to the guillotine and sacrifice himself.
Norm: The guillotine, slice that neck. [Cliff laughs]
Frasier: "When suddenly, an Apache attack chopper hovered above the guillotine, pumping hot lead into the crowd."
Cliff: Get them Frogs, huh?
Frasier: "As Darnay climbed into the chopper, sweat streaming from his bloodstained headband, he could be heard to mutter, 'It is a far, far better thing I do than I have ever done. It is a far, far better butt-kicking I give than I have ever butt-kicked.'"
Norm: All right. Whoa! What a book, huh?
Cliff: Yeah, that was great, great, Fras. What, uh, what are you going to read to us next?
Frasier: Well, I was thinking about, uh, David Copperfield.
Cliff: What's that about?
Frasier: Well, it's about these, uh two coppers, and this field, um... And they're found dismembered with their body parts switched.
Carla: Man! Man, that Dickens is one sick dude.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Okay! I've got the tool box here. I'm gonna get Rebecca out of that office right now. Rebecca! I've got a screwdriver here! I'm gonna take that doorknob off and I'm gonna open the door here. Rebecca, I got a Phillips head by mistake, but I'm gonna... I'm putting that down and I'm picking up a flathead, and then I'm gonna take that doorknob off. Rebecca, I don't have a flathead, but I have one of those putty things and I'm gonna put it... Damn! Okay, Rebecca, I just punctured my thumb with that, uh... putty thing and I'm gonna go get a tetanus shot, then I'm coming back here and taking that doorknob off.
Rebecca: [comes out] Here's a Band-Aid.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Have a seat. Come on.
Rebecca: Thank you. [sits on Norm's stool] Wow. I've never sat here before. Here I am, sitting on this stool, knowing my life is a mess. I have no future, and I'm a totally hopeless failure.
Norm: Yeah. Try it with beer nuts.
Rebecca: It is all my fault. I mean, I got what I deserve. And now I'm alone. I... I have nothing and I'm just a, you know, worthless, shallow person.
Norm: I'm telling you, try it with the beer nuts.
Frasier: Rebecca I realize you haven't sought my professional advice, but I think it's time to get some perspective. Take a look at yourself, splash some water on your face and get a fresh start.
Rebecca: I'd like to, Frasier, but I seem to have lost the will to move. I just want to sit here for the rest of my life.
Norm: Geez, maybe it's the stool.

Quote from Frasier

Woody: Dr. Crane, when are you going to read us some more Dickens?
Guys: [chanting] Dickens, Dickens, Dickens.
Lilith: Oh, well. Frasier, I'm impressed. It seems your experiment in cultural enrichment has been a success.
Norm: Yep. We're waiting for Oliver Twist: The Wrath of Fagin.
Lilith: Excuse me?
Frasier: Darling, I've done some things the past few weeks I'm not very proud of. Just leave it alone.

Quote from Woody

Woody: Come on, Miss Howe.
Rebecca: Woody have you ever had your whole life cave in on you all of a sudden?
Woody: No, but I have had a cave cave in on me all of a sudden.

Quote from Lilith

Lilith: And in what sophomoric activity are you gentlemen involved now?
Cliff: Our first annual tricks with digits exhibition!
Frasier: Of all the pointless wastes of human energy.
Lilith: Frasier's right. You could sit here until the end of time doing your silly little finger tricks, but none of you will ever be able to top this. [Lilith puts her fist in her mouth]
Woody: Wow, she's right.
Cliff: The king is dead. Long live the queen!
Norm: Yes and she's writing! She's going for bonus points.
Cliff: What's it say?
Frasier: "My fist is stuck. Call 911." Come on, hon. You know, this happens to her more often than you'd think.

Quote from Paul

Woody: Sorry, Mr. Krapence. We can't get into the office or the storeroom because Miss Howe locked herself in since she decided not to marry Mr. Colcord.
Carla: She's still in there. She's still in the gown. She won't talk to anybody. Doesn't move. Doesn't eat.
Paul: Gee, that's awful. I really wanted a martini.

Quote from Cliff

Woody: These are your clothes, Mr. Clavin?
Cliff: Yeah, I guess.
Woody: Well, how'd they end up in the lost and found?
Cliff: How did they end up in there? Well, it was the '70s, [chuckles] and I was a swinger.
Woody: Uh-oh.
Cliff: I had some good times in those rags, Woody.
Norm: Cliff, we don't want to hear about it, please.
Cliff: Huh? Oh, it was great. You know, hey, the disco scene, grooving.
Norm: lxnay, Cliff.
Cliff: Yeah, it was a great decade, huh? Hot-tubbing every night. I got rolfed.
Woody: Oh. Please stop, Mr. Clavin.
Cliff: Oh, now I remember how I lost those clothes.
Woody: Oh, don't say it; don't say it.
Cliff: I was streaking!
Woody: Oh! I knew it! I knew he was gonna say it!
Cliff: Of course, I was about three pounds lighter then.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Let's give her a call here. I got her parents' number here. Let's just tell her that, you know, we're thinking about her and that we care. [dials phone] Ah, hell, it's her parents' machine. I hate these things. I never know what to say. [on the phone] Hi. This is Sam from Cheers. Uh, this message is for Rebecca. Um, hi, Rebecca. We just wanted to find out if you're okay, and tell you that we all miss you, and I love you, and I hope that...
Norm: Oh, oh, Sam.
Sam: Wh- What?
Norm: You love her?
Sam: No. No, I- I didn't say that. Hold on a second. No, I didn't say that. No, no, I said- l said we miss her and we love her.
Norm: You said we miss her and you love her.
Cliff: Yeah, but it was implied that you miss her, too.
Sam: Well, shoot. l- l- l don't want her to get the wrong impression here. [on the phone] Uh, hi, Rebecca, listen, when I said that I love you, you know I didn't mean love love. l, uh, you know, I meant more like a friend, you know, a buddy, a pal, uh, like a partner, you know. Like the two cops in David Copperfield. Okay, honey? Well, anyway, bye-bye.
Norm: Wait, no.
Sam: Wait, hold on.
Norm: That was a little cold.
Cliff: Yeah, you know, listen, she's, uh, she's feeling kind of low. You can't just kick her when she's down like that.
Sam: Yeah. [on the phone] Sweetheart, when- When I said that I love you, you know, I meant that you're a- a very important part of my life, you know, along with a lot of other people. It- It's, uh, you know, it's like my- my life is this big jigsaw puzzle, and you are a very important part. You know, like a corner piece, huh? All right. Hold on. Oh I think the guys want to say something here. Go ahead.
Guys: Sammy loves you.

Quote from Frasier

Sam: Oh, ow. That hurt.
Carla: Sammy, look at you. Your nose is bleeding. Your eye is starting to swell. And you just kissed a man. But you're not a wussy little fraidy cat.
Norm: You ain't afraid.
Cliff: No, not Sammy.
Norm: Good boy. Good, Sam.
Frasier: You know, in the space of the last 30 seconds, we have witnessed deceit, sexual turmoil and sudden, senseless violence. It puts me in mind of a passage from The Pickwick Papers.

Quote from Woody

Norm: What do you got, Wood?
Woody: Watch closely as I remove my own index finger.
Norm: Uh-huh.
Woody: It's something I learned from my uncle, only when I do it, it's a trick.

Quote from Carla

Carla: How am I supposed to make a drink around here? We're out of gin, vermouth, cherries and lime juice. We gotta get into that storeroom.
Woody: We can't. Sam said to substitute.
Carla: Okay. Here you go.
Paul: What the hell is this?
Carla: It's clam juice.
Paul: I wanted a martini.
Carla: I wanted to be Princess Carla of Monaco. Drink it!

Quote from Woody

Frasier: Greetings all! A pint of lager, my good publican! I'm of a Dickensian spirit today. I've just come from the Antiquarian Book Fair, where I managed to luck into a handsomely bound first edition of Charles Dickens' Tale of Two Cities.
Woody: [picks the book up] Wow! If you don't mind my asking, how much does something like this cost, Dr. Crane?
Frasier: [takes the book back] Well, uh, Woody, money isn't really the issue, but, uh, around $1,200.
Woody: [scoffs, snickers] 1,200 bucks? Got something to show you, Dr. Crane. It's called a library card.
Frasier: Thank you for the advice, Woody. Now may I have a scotch on the rocks, please?
Woody: Okeydoke! That'll be around 1,200 bucks.

Quote from Frasier

Carla: Oh, Frasier, you know, it's a good thing you're here because we gotta think of some way to get that crazy lady out of the office. It's been two days.
Frasier: Well, I realize that you're concerned about Rebecca and that you all look to me as the solver of all problems personal, but, in this case, I have to throw up my hands. I mean, there's a limit to what even I can do.
Carla: And we also know how you pout when we don't ask you.
Frasier: [pouts] Well fine. Maybe I'll just go home.

Quote from Carla

Sam: Woody, come on out here. Let's take a look.
Woody: [o.s.] Hey, Sam, how long did you say these clothes have been in the lost and found?
Sam: I don't know. A while, I guess. Why? [laughter]
Norm: Is that Woody Boyd? Or is that Keith Partridge?!
Woody: When is Miss Howe getting back with my real clothes? I can't go out like this. I mean, I know it was the '70s and all, but who would dress in anything this dumb-looking?
Cliff: Those duds look familiar.
Carla: "Property of C. Clavin." Deep inside, didn't we all know that?

Quote from Norm

Frasier: Woody I think it was a great sacrifice for you to give your clothes to Rebecca. It puts me in mind of another novel by my favorite British author. You know who I mean. I'll give you a hint. Charles?
Norm: In Charge?
Frasier: Are you people really this ignorant or do you just do this to torture me?
Norm: Uh, sometimes the two go hand-in-hand.

Quote from Rebecca

Sam: [answers phone] Yeah, Cheers. What? Hey... Uh... Rebecca! Where are you calling from? I can barely hear you.
Rebecca: 30,000 feet over Pittsburgh.
Sam: What? I thought you were just going for a drive.
Rebecca: I did. I drove to the airport. Listen, will you tell Woody that I left his car outside the United terminal. Or American. Or, it doesn't really make any difference. They all tow them to the same place anyway.
Woody: Sam, is that Miss Howe? Ask her if she has my wallet. I need my driver's license.
Sam: Actually, you don't have to worry about that right now, Wood.

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