918. I'm Getting My Act Together and Sticking It in Your Face
Aired February 7, 1991
After deciding not to marry Robin, Rebecca has locked herself in the office. Meanwhile, Frasier attempts to enrich the culture at Cheers by reading classic novels.
Quote from Frasier
Frasier: You know, at the risk of sounding insensitive, I'm... I'm glad she's getting out of here. Her walking around in that wedding dress was just a tad too "Miss Havisham" for me.
Frasier: Miss Havisham. Famous character from Charles Dickens' Great Expectations. Spends the entire novel walking around in her wedding dress.
Frasier: Yes. Well, surely you know it. It's Great Expectations. Pip? Miss Havisham? Magwich? And, uh... And four pizza-loving turtles who practice martial arts in the sewer.
Norm: Oh, cowabunga, dudes!
Cliff: You know, there's a lot of people don't realize that that was a comic book first.
Quote from Frasier
Frasier: All right. Gather around, everyone. I am going to right a horrible wrong. I am going to read to you Dickens' classic, A Tale of Two Cities, and you will see just how much fun great literature can be. [all groaning] "Book the First. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."
Norm: Hey, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. Which was it?
Frasier: Just stay tuned, Norm.
Norm: "It was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness. It was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity."
Cliff: Boy, this Dickens guy really liked to keep his butt covered, didn't he?
Frasier: "There was a king with a large jaw, and a queen with a plain face, on the throne of England." [the guys turn around] "And... and..." "...and there was a bloodthirsty clown, who beckoned innocent children into the sewer, and swallowed them whole."
Cliff: Ah! That's a neat trick.
Quote from Rebecca
Sam: [on the phone] What are you doing? Where are you going?
Rebecca: I'm- l'm going home to San Diego, Sam. I want to try and forget Boston. I want to erase the last three years of my life.
Sam: It's been five, Rebecca.
Rebecca: [sobs] Has it been that long?
Quote from Frasier
Frasier: As we recall from Monday's installment of A Tale of Two Cities, Sydney Carton was about to go to the guillotine and sacrifice himself.
Norm: The guillotine, slice that neck. [Cliff laughs]
Frasier: "When suddenly, an Apache attack chopper hovered above the guillotine, pumping hot lead into the crowd."
Cliff: Get them Frogs, huh?
Frasier: "As Darnay climbed into the chopper, sweat streaming from his bloodstained headband, he could be heard to mutter, 'It is a far, far better thing I do than I have ever done. It is a far, far better butt-kicking I give than I have ever butt-kicked.'"
Norm: All right. Whoa! What a book, huh?
Cliff: Yeah, that was great, great, Fras. What, uh, what are you going to read to us next?
Frasier: Well, I was thinking about, uh, David Copperfield.
Cliff: What's that about?
Frasier: Well, it's about these, uh two coppers, and this field, um... And they're found dismembered with their body parts switched.
Carla: Man! Man, that Dickens is one sick dude.
Quote from Sam
Sam: Okay! I've got the tool box here. I'm gonna get Rebecca out of that office right now. Rebecca! I've got a screwdriver here! I'm gonna take that doorknob off and I'm gonna open the door here. Rebecca, I got a Phillips head by mistake, but I'm gonna... I'm putting that down and I'm picking up a flathead, and then I'm gonna take that doorknob off. Rebecca, I don't have a flathead, but I have one of those putty things and I'm gonna put it... Damn! Okay, Rebecca, I just punctured my thumb with that, uh... putty thing and I'm gonna go get a tetanus shot, then I'm coming back here and taking that doorknob off.
Rebecca: [comes out] Here's a Band-Aid.
Quote from Norm
Norm: Have a seat. Come on.
Rebecca: Thank you. [sits on Norm's stool] Wow. I've never sat here before. Here I am, sitting on this stool, knowing my life is a mess. I have no future, and I'm a totally hopeless failure.
Norm: Yeah. Try it with beer nuts.
Rebecca: It is all my fault. I mean, I got what I deserve. And now I'm alone. I... I have nothing and I'm just a, you know, worthless, shallow person.
Norm: I'm telling you, try it with the beer nuts.
Frasier: Rebecca I realize you haven't sought my professional advice, but I think it's time to get some perspective. Take a look at yourself, splash some water on your face and get a fresh start.
Rebecca: I'd like to, Frasier, but I seem to have lost the will to move. I just want to sit here for the rest of my life.
Norm: Geez, maybe it's the stool.
Quote from Frasier
Woody: Dr. Crane, when are you going to read us some more Dickens?
Guys: [chanting] Dickens, Dickens, Dickens.
Lilith: Oh, well. Frasier, I'm impressed. It seems your experiment in cultural enrichment has been a success.
Norm: Yep. We're waiting for Oliver Twist: The Wrath of Fagin.
Lilith: Excuse me?
Frasier: Darling, I've done some things the past few weeks I'm not very proud of. Just leave it alone.
Quote from Woody
Woody: Come on, Miss Howe.
Rebecca: Woody have you ever had your whole life cave in on you all of a sudden?
Woody: No, but I have had a cave cave in on me all of a sudden.
Quote from Lilith
Lilith: And in what sophomoric activity are you gentlemen involved now?
Cliff: Our first annual tricks with digits exhibition!
Frasier: Of all the pointless wastes of human energy.
Lilith: Frasier's right. You could sit here until the end of time doing your silly little finger tricks, but none of you will ever be able to top this. [Lilith puts her fist in her mouth]
Woody: Wow, she's right.
Cliff: The king is dead. Long live the queen!
Norm: Yes and she's writing! She's going for bonus points.
Cliff: What's it say?
Frasier: "My fist is stuck. Call 911." Come on, hon. You know, this happens to her more often than you'd think.
Quote from Paul
Woody: Sorry, Mr. Krapence. We can't get into the office or the storeroom because Miss Howe locked herself in since she decided not to marry Mr. Colcord.
Carla: She's still in there. She's still in the gown. She won't talk to anybody. Doesn't move. Doesn't eat.
Paul: Gee, that's awful. I really wanted a martini.