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‘Severe Crane Damage’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Severe Crane Damage

818. Severe Crane Damage

Aired February 15, 1990

When Lilith goes on local TV to promote her new book, "Good Girls, Bad Boys", Frasier takes Sam along to the taping where they become examples of her theory.

Quote from Frasier

Brenda Balzak: Frasier, how would a date with you go?
Lilith: Brenda, I find this line of inquiry sensationalistic and not at all pertinent to my thesis.
Frasier: Oh, no, that's all right, dear. I think I'd like to answer the question. Well, a date with me would, I'd say, be jolly good fun. [silence] Ironically, actually, I might add, that I used to date, actually, an old girlfriend of Sam's.
Brenda Balzak: So she preferred you to Sam.
Frasier: Oh, yes. Well, uh... That is, until she broke up with me and got engaged... To Sam. You know, I'd like to add in my defense, the woman was nuts.

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Quote from Lilith

Brenda Balzak: Ladies, look, let's keep this a civilized discussion. If you have points to make, we'll take them in an orderly fashion. [a woman raises her hand] Yes.
Woman: I have a question of a more serious nature.
Lilith: Oh, good.
Woman: What does Sam look like with his shirt off?
Women: [chant] Shirt! Shirt! Shirt! Shirt! Shirt!
Brenda Balzak: Ladies, please. Let's get hold of ourselves.
Lilith: Now, this is the perfect example of what a bad boy like Sam can do to a room full of good girls like these fine women. One can't help but be attracted to his steely glance and the strength therein, to imagine the warmth of his skin pressed against ours, his arms pinning us down so we can't move. One sees his full lips and imagines what they must feel like slightly moist... Tugging at ours. Before long, one's feeling a little dizzy, and, oh, for God's sake, Sam, let the buttons fly. [lunges at Sam]

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Excuse me, Rebecca, may I have your honest opinion about something you know, as a woman who has fatally bad taste in men? Do you think I'm a... good boy?
Rebecca: Frasier, you have to stop doing this to yourself. Why do you feel inferior to Sam just because you're good? You know, I agree with that talk-show host. Give me a comfortable pair of old ratty house slippers any day.
Frasier: So that's how it is. Now I'm a pair of ratty old house slippers. At least this afternoon, I was an old shoe. You could at least wear me outside, maybe do a little gardening.
Rebecca: Frasier, I did not mean to imply...
Frasier: You think I can't be dangerous? Is that it? You all think I'm just an old slipper? Well, am I a good boy? Would a good boy do this? I am running with scissors. I'm going swimming right after lunch. I'm leaving now. I'm going outside. I'm going to pet strange dogs, no matter where they've been. Look out, world, Frasier Crane's going to raise some hell.

Quote from Lilith

Carla: You just had a baby. When did you have time to write a book?
Lilith: Well, actually, I've been hacking away at it for years, but I was finally able to polish it off during my 15 months of pregnancy.
Frasier: Oh, yes. Took years of painstaking, high-level research. It's called "Good Girls, Bad Boys." Isn't that cute?
Lilith: That was my editor's idea. I wanted to call it "A cross-sectional study of control-group females with a tendency towards self-destruction, vis-a-vis damaging relationships with members of the opposite sex."
Woody: Oh, brother, not another one of those.
Lilith: Oh, yes, but, you see, my particular slant is that many women are drawn to men who are bad for them, those who represent danger. Then, once they outgrow that need, they're free to make the mature choice and live out their lives with upstanding, substantial men. Not unlike my Frasier-doodle.

Quote from Lilith

Brenda Balzak: Now, then, are we really attracted to men who are bad for us? Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane's new book, "Good Girls, Bad Boys," will tell us. Ladies, let's pour a cup of tea for Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane. Dr. Sternin-Crane, welcome to the show.
Lilith: Thank you.
Brenda Balzak: Now, Dr. Sternin-Crane, what is it with these bad boys? I mean, why are we women such pushovers for them?
Lilith: Well, before addressing motivation, I'd like to lay a basis for discussion by explaining my data-gathering techniques and statistical overview of my control-group females.
Brenda Balzak: Well, we don't want to give away all the surprises.

Quote from Frasier

Woody: Hey, good show, Dr. Crane.
Norm: Yeah, except for they cut to a commercial right before it started getting good, you know. Right when your wife was about to pants Sammy with her teeth.
Frasier: I just couldn't believe that that group got so excited. It was such idiotic behavior and all because of Lilith's stupid book.
Norm: Wait a minute. I thought you liked Lilith's book.
Frasier: Oh, I did till I reread it with a scientific eye and the impartiality of a fellow empiricist, and I decided it's pure crap.
Woody: Where's Dr. Sternin-Crane now?
Frasier: Oh, probably at home... Working on pure crap, volume two.

Quote from Frasier

Woody: What are you doing, Dr. Crane?
Frasier: Just compiling some notes for a book of my own.
Norm: Oh, now, you're not jealous of Lilith here, are you?
Frasier: Norm, please. Give me some credit. I mean, I've been planning to do this for years.
Norm: "'Nice psychiatrists who marry castrating, shrew, battle-ax, harridan fishwives."
Woody: So what's it about?

Quote from Lilith

Lilith: Has anyone seen Frasier? He canceled an 8:30 appointment.
Norm: Wow, he sees patients at night.
Lilith: No. We were going to make love to celebrate my new book.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: You know, besides, I've already missed one appointment with Lilith to make love. I'll be lucky if I get another one.
Ellen: Who's Lilith?
Frasier: My wife.
Ellen: Somebody married you?
Frasier: Well, not somebody. A woman whom I respect and love. A woman with the intelligence to realize that the measure of a man is not how many studs you've got on your leather jacket or how many women you've been bad to. The measure of a man is how much love and comfort you've given.
Ellen: You're getting dull on me, Slash.
Frasier: Now, listen, Viper, if caring for the one you love, if caring for your children, if paying attention to your career and home, if these things be dull, then may I be the dullest man who ever lived.
Lilith: You are, Frasier. You are. [they hug]

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: All right now, everyone. Pay attention. I have a little announcement to make, and I only have a minute.
Norm: Are you in a hurry?
Frasier: No. I was referring to your relatively short attention spans.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Woody, could I have a glass of water there, please?
Woody: You got a headache, Mr. Clavin?
Cliff: No, no. Just trying to clear up a little rash on my lower back. Doc says it's stress-related.
Carla: You sure he didn't say diaper-related?
Norm: Cliffie, you're stressing out, huh? What's the deal, buddy?
Cliff: Ah, it's just job-related. You know how it is.
Woody: Oh, I thought you just delivered the mail.
Cliff: Woody, Woody, Woody, A.K.A. Joe Public. [chuckles] You have got no idea what it's like out there in postman's hell. Illegible handwriting, parcels badly taped... Boy, you can't even peek in a window anymore without people going crazy on you. But still, where would we all be if your mailman just disappeared on you?
Woody: We'd probably just all fax things. That way, everything would get there faster, cheaper, and a lot more efficiently.
Cliff: Some more water there, Woody.

Quote from Carla

Frasier: Hello, fellow denizens.
Sam: Hey, Fras. How you doing? Oh, my, Lilith, you look beautiful.
Carla: Yeah, Lilith. You look like a million bucks.
Lilith: Thank you.
Carla: You didn't let me finish. You look like a million bucks just stampeded across your face.
Lilith: Carla, I hope you don't forget us when you become president of Hallmark.

Quote from Carla

Frasier: Well, if you'll escort my little starlet out to the car, I will meet you momentarily. You know how in those shows sometimes they have that big opening shot of the audience? I just want to head to the men's room, check my hair.
Carla: I already checked. It's not in there.

Quote from Lilith

Brenda Balzak: Lilith, why don't you introduce us to the men?
Lilith: Well, this is Sam, an uncommitted, sexually active male.
Women: Ooh!
Lilith: And this is my husband Frasier, committed to monogamy and a good little lover.
Frasier: Thank you, dear. Thank you.

Quote from Carla

Carla: So what you're saying is that once guys like Sammy are done sucking the juice out of babes, they can toss the shriveled husks to guys like Frasier.
Frasier: In a nutshell, yes. But my darling will explain it all in further detail on live television this very afternoon.

Quote from Cliff

Sam: Oh, you're going to be on TV.
Lilith: Yes, some local women's talk show on channel 13.
Cliff: "Teatime with Brenda." That airs at 3:30.
Norm: Cliffie, you watch the afternoon women's talk shows, huh?
Cliff: Well, I might have caught a glimpse of it, you know, as I was jumping through the channels between Combat and the Playboy Channel. Woody, could I have another glass of water, please?

Quote from Frasier

Lilith: Of course, I have my doubts about appearing on a program of such a commercial nature.
Frasier: Well, now, Lilith, this is a highly respected Socratic format for the exchange and dissemination of ideas. Besides, you know, that lady that dresses the parakeets is going to be on.
Sam: Well, I'll be watching you, Lilith. You break a leg, all right?
Frasier: Well, you know, Sam, as the guest's husband, I have two tickets to the show. I was hoping maybe you'd come along and help me cheer Lilith on.
Sam: Oh, I don't think I want to be sitting in that audience.
Frasier: Oh, what? Is your masculinity threatened by an audience full of women, huh?
Sam: No, it's not that.
Frasier: No, please. I don't want to be the only boy.

Quote from Lilith

Brenda Balzak: Now, I noticed your book was dedicated to your husband. Is he a bad boy?
Frasier: Quite the opposite. In fact, that would be him sitting right over there with his hands folded neatly on his lap. [applause] I think we could all see that your husband is the kind of man we should want.
Lilith: I think so, yes.
Brenda Balzak: Then why don't we?
Lilith: Well, according to my thesis, women, as they evolve, will eventually seek out a relationship such as mine and Frasier's.
Brenda Balzak: You mean a relationship that's stable and secure... Like a comfortable old shoe?
Lilith: Well, yes.
Brenda Balzak: Who's that sitting with your husband? Another comfortable old shoe?
Lilith: No. That's a friend of ours. Coincidentally, the perfect example of the classic bad boy.

Quote from Sam

Brenda Balzak: Well, all right, we've met the men. Let's put Dr. Sternin-Crane's thesis to the test. How many of us would like to sleep with Sam? [women applaud] And how many of you would like to sleep with Frasier? [Lilith and one woman in the back applauds]
Sam: In the back row.
Brenda Balzak: Sam, we know you're bad for us. Why do we want you so darn much? Is it because you're forbidden, untamable?
Sam: Well, now, you know, I think some girl could probably tame me. For example, that blonde in the third row there. No, no, nix that. Let's give the whole third row a shot at it.
Woman: What about the second row?
Sam: Oh, one row at a time, ladies.

Quote from Norm

Norm: You know, Frasier's helped each and every one of us at one point or another. Now he's going out to do something he just may regret. I think we should try to do exactly what we always hoped Frasier would do in the same situation.
Woody: What's that?
Norm: Mind our own business.
Woody: Good call, Mr. Peterson.

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