Sam: These are, uh, trivia napkins. Ever since I got the bar back, I've been looking for ways to say, "Hey, thank you for patronizing me."
Frasier: Oh, Sam, I- I know you wanted to use a great big word there. I think that's marvelous, but I believe what you meant to say was, "Thank you for your patronage."
Sam: Really? What's the difference?
Frasier: Patronage means customers. Patronizing is the way one would talk to a small, dull child.
Sam: Kind of like how you're talking to me right now?
Frasier: Aren't you cute!

Sam: Oh, Woody. Woody, shoot, I just forgot here. This came for you. Looks like something from the commercial company. Probably a paycheck.
Woody: Oh, I- I can't cash that. I can't even open it. That'd be like paying me for lying. My mother always told me that lying is the worst of the seven deadly sins.
Norm: Wait, wait, wait. Lying is one of the seven deadly sins?
Cliff: Yeah, of course it is. You got, uh lust, greed, bashful...
Norm: That's the seven deadly dwarfs.

Norm: [enters] Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm!
Sam: What can I do for you, Norm?
Norm: Open up those beer taps and take the day off, Sam.

Woody: I know it's just a small part in a commercial, but I don't know if I have the skill or the technique to pull it off.
Norm: Well, what do you play, Wood?
Woody: A bartender.
Sam: [laughs] Woody, you are a bartender.
Woody: Yeah, well, but in this commercial, I have to serve drinks.
Sam: Wood, you serve drinks all the time.
Woody: Yeah, but in this commercial, I have to talk and serve drinks.
Sam: You talk and serve drinks right here every day.
Woody: Oh, great, Sam! Now you've made me nervous about working here, too.

Woody: I was kind of surprised when I got the part. Said they wanted someone with a fresh face. I don't know why they chose me.
Sam: Oh, hey, you're perfect.
Woody: Yeah. Maybe when I just hopped off the bus from Hanover, but I've been in Boston for five years. It changes a guy. Hardens him, gives him a cynical edge.
Sam: Come on, you're still fresh.
Woody: Jeepers, you think?

Frasier: Well, this is the most boring napkin we've come across.
Norm: What's the question?
Frasier: Well, who can tell? It looks as though it was homemade. It looks like some moron typed it on some old manual typewriter.
Cliff: How odd. Read the question.
Frasier: This is not a napkin. It's a cry for help.
Cliff: All right. So I forged a napkin! Can you blame me? I've been sitting here for the better part of the '80s, trying to enliven the discussion and broaden a few horizons with the benefit of my special brand of my arcane knowledge, and then these stupid napkins come waltzing in. And then I'm out. Well I've had it. It's time to make a choice, fellas. Me or the napkins? [silence] Or both. Maybe we can alternate.
Norm: We can do that.
Cliff: Yeah, a round of drinks for my friends here!
Norm: All right. Yeah. I'd like to see a napkin do that, huh?

Frasier: Woody. Woody, you know, Sigmund Freud might suggest that your aversion to vegetables stems from some early childhood trauma.
Lilith: [sputters]
Frasier: You sputtered, my darling?
Lilith: Honestly, Frasier, you must be the last psychiatrist on Earth who hasn't abandoned Sigmund Freud's theories.
Frasier: What are you saying?
Lilith: Merely that his theories are outdated, sexist superstitions unsupported by a shred of clinical evidence.
Frasier: You're drunk. My wife is completely smashed, blotto. Sam, no more boilermakers for Dr. Sternin-Crane.
Lilith: Frasier, I've had nothing to drink.
Frasier: Ah, the worst kind of drunk.

Frasier: For your information, Sigmund Freud has a lot to teach us about Woody's problem. I daresay that if the Master were with us today, he would, after striking Lilith, tell us that Woody is suffering from a subconscious barrier, easily removed by some elemental Freudian analysis.
Woody: Well, isn't there anything faster?
Frasier: Oh, many things, but nothing quite as lucrative. But if you wish instant relief, I suppose we could try a little, uh, well, posthypnotic suggestion.
Lilith: [sputters]
Frasier: Another wet objection, my love?
Lilith: Hypnosis, Frasier? Why only go back a century for your treatment? Why not bleed him with leeches? Or drill a hole in his cranium and let the evil spirits leak out?
Frasier: Ignore her, Woody. It's the gin talking.
Lilith: Or maybe the reason he doesn't like vegetables is because they remind him of his mother. Ooh!

Norm: Okay, all right, here's one. [clears throat] "What is the oldest state capital in the country?"
Cliff: Crying out loud, Norm. I told you that weeks ago!
Norm: Shh. Just don't- Don't wreck it for the rest of us, then, okay?
Sam: Providence, Rhode Island?
Frasier: Boston?
Norm: No. Santa Fe, New Mexico.
Sam: Hey!
Frasier: Wow. Isn't that fascinating?
Norm: Yeah.
Sam: Oh, yeah.
Cliff: Good old Santa Fe! Ancient capital of the Conquistadors, founded 1609.

Frasier: Hey, here's one. "What civilization was the first known to brew beer?"
Tony: Early Greece.
Sam: Ancient Rome.
Norm: Old Milwaukee.
Frasier: [chuckles] Ancient Egypt.
Sam: Get out! Hey, that's something.
Norm: I never knew that trivia could be so fascinating.
Cliff: Oh, hold the phone here! I gave you that fact months ago. You said you weren't interested then.
Norm: Well, you know, Cliffie, it's different with the napkins.
Cliff: What's so different?
Norm: Well, napkins don't spit when they talk.