Carla: Man, no way I'm gonna let that quack jab me.
Frasier: Carla, there's really nothing to be afraid of. It's- It's a very simple process. H- Here, let me show you. Darling, may l? They'll simply take your arm. They'll have you make a fist. Then they'll place a tourniquet here, exposing a vein. Exposing a vein... [taps Lilith's arm] Lilith, exactly how do you work?

Sam: What the hell's wrong with him?
Frasier: Well, it's a common phenomenon, really. A young, impressionable lad, such as Woody, gets his first taste of a foreign country, and he comes back a little affected. I mean, give him a few hours, he'll be fine. You know, I remember when I came back from my first trip abroad. Oh, God, I was pompous and unbearable! Condescending to all my old friends. Of course, I wouldn't expect you fellows to understand. It's a complicated matter.

Lilith: Now, now. You two... Perhaps a page from Frasier's and my personal history will calm the waters. Woody, Kelly. I am Jewish and Frasier is Episcopalian. Now originally, we feared this might cause conflict in our marriage. But then we learned to compromise, even in the raising of our son, Frederick. We make sure he experiences both sides of his religious heritage.
Frasier: As usual, my darling wife is right. Frederick goes to synagogue every Friday night. He delights in hiding matzos at Passover. The family celebrates Hanukkah. Meanwhile, Christmas comes and goes without so much as a tree. Odd, really, because a Christmas tree isn't even symbolic of Christianity. But apparently it threatens Lilith's Jewish faith. Look out, everybody! A fir tree! 5,000-year-old religion and Frasier Crane's going to bring it down with a four-foot tree and some tinsel!

Norm: All right, I got 20 bucks says they won't do it.
Cliff: All right, well, I got, eh, 30 here says they, uh, tie the knot-ski tonight-ski.
Frasier: I'd like a piece of that, Cliff. Because you see, I'm convinced that the words "l do" are not in the woman's vocabulary.

Diane: Frasier, may I have a word with you in private? It's about what happened tonight.
Frasier: Well, not now, Diane. You're interfering with male bonding. [toasts] To snipe hunting.
Norm: All right.
Frasier: The most humane of sports. No guns. No knives. Just a man and a plain simple bag.
Carla: Like you and Diane. [Frasier laughs]
Diane: Frasier.
Frasier: Oh, come on, Diane. Guys make jokes about their mates, right guys? Look, you probably all think I'm being a bit manic about this, but the fact is I haven't spent that much time out of doors in my life. And I was exhilarated by it. It was a revelation to me how quiet it was. I heard an owl for the first time. You know, I finally understand why guys get hung up on going to the woods. You know, camping, fishing.
Cliff: Yeah, yeah. Just wait until the first time you come back home with a snipe strapped to the hood of your car, huh?
Norm: Yeah, that's a thrill of a lifetime.
Frasier: My one regret is we didn't get a snipe. And it's all my fault. I let you guys down.

Diane: I am so tired tonight. I can't wait to get home and take a nice hot bath.
Frasier: What? Little Miss Popularity has a free evening? Don't tell me you've been through all the men in Boston.
Diane: Oh, really, Frasier.
Woody: I heard you used to be a psychiatrist, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Yes, I once belonged to that ridiculous profession where pompous intellectuals get together and discuss the illusion that there's something they can do to alter the human situation and deny that man is condemned to a life of bitterness and despair.
Woody: Yeah, but you got your weekends off.

Frasier: Aren't people like that sad? Huddled together, totally lacking confidence in their own individuality. And incapable of an original thought. You know, as Dr. Bennett Ludlow once said, "l'll speak no thought but mine own."

Frasier: Well, as it turns out, you can now watch your game with a clear conscience. I won't be doing that show after all.
Diane: What changed your mind, Frasier?
Frasier: Well, Dr. Foster had to cancel, and, uh Dr. Sternin is going to take his place.
Diane: Lilith Sternin?
Cliff: You mean that-- uh, pardon my French-- woman you once dated?
Frasier: That's a rather charitable description, Cliff. Well, I just hope they can find someone to replace me as readily as they did Dr. Foster.
Carla: Can't handle debating a woman, eh?
Frasier: A woman, yes. An ice cube in heels, no! Look, I have no intention of entering a debate with those cold, gray eyes and those clever, smirking lips. I'd rather clip my nails in a Cuisinart.

Frasier: Well, Diane, Sam, congratulations to both of you. Diane, I hope you're planning to stay for the entire ceremony this time. Ours was... [laughs] Ours was very touching, I thought.

Frasier: Good afternoon, everybody. Sam, you got you room for one more tosspot? Let me have a beer, will you?
Sam: You betcha. How you been there, Frasier?
Frasier: Well, you know how it is for a psychiatrist this day and age. Divorces, hopelessness over financial situations, rampant paranoia... Thriving, never better.