Sam: Oh, Woody. Woody, shoot, I just forgot here. This came for you. Looks like something from the commercial company. Probably a paycheck.
Woody: Oh, I- I can't cash that. I can't even open it. That'd be like paying me for lying. My mother always told me that lying is the worst of the seven deadly sins.
Norm: Wait, wait, wait. Lying is one of the seven deadly sins?
Cliff: Yeah, of course it is. You got, uh lust, greed, bashful...
Norm: That's the seven deadly dwarfs.

Cliff: You know, uh, I don't think that a ground surface irregularity of this nature is so strange. I mean, after all, the entire East Coast is sinking. We all know that. I mean, due to global warming, the polar ice caps are melting and, hey, we're gonna be all underwater anyway. Yeah, that's why l, uh, like to keep a couple of cans of tuna and an inflatable raft in the trunk of my car. Wait a second, I ate the tuna a couple of nights ago. I'd better go out and get some more. Boy, if that flood comes tonight, I'm really going to kick myself.

Cliff: Doc, you gotta help me. I mean, it's all happening so fast. One minute, I- I'm leading my life. And the next minute, before you know it, I'm standing in a line down at the marriage bureau with a bunch of other people waiting for a license. I looked into their eyes. You know what I saw? The smell of death.
Frasier: Aren't you exaggerating just a bit?
Cliff: Oh, no. Fras, when I was a teenager, I used to work at a slaughterhouse. And I watched them when they brought them in, and I watched them when they took them out. But I've never seen nothing like that.

Cliff: Yeah, personally, I say good riddance.
Norm: Yeah?
Cliff: Yeah, then the charms of the French have always been lost on me. I mean, when W.W. Three rolls around, they'd better not come to old Cliff Clavin to pull their fromage out of the fire, no, siree! I've got plans. Yeah, when those missiles start flying, I'll be in a fully stocked-up, juiced-up Winnebago, heading at 65 per, armed to the teeth, right to the border of Mexico. Yes, sir. Those cockroaches and Cliff Clavin are gonna do just fine, thank you.
Paul: What a wonderful civilization you'll build.
Cliff: Amen.

Cliff: You know, there's a lot of misunderstanding about rats or Rodendus vermicitis, as they're called in Latin. It turns out our long-tailed friend wasn't, after all, responsible for the dreaded bubonic plague as alleged through history. No, sir. It's caused by an animal called the bubon. That's right. And the threat, by the way, is still with us. So if anybody does see a bubon contact your local authorities.
Carla: How about if we just see a boob?

Norm: Sammy... California?! Riots, smog, earthquakes?
Cliff: Don't make me laugh, now. There's no earthquakes in California.
Woody: There aren't?
Cliff: No, there's never been any! See, what they tell us are earthquakes are actually sonic booms caused by a project that's been funded by the U.S. government. You see, what they're doing is they're creating a huge cavity - a tunnel, if you will - right to the center of the Earth, where they're gonna build a giant computer to control the planet's rotation. Can I... Can I be the only one that's heard of this?
Frasier: You know, Cliff, electro-shock therapy only sounds scary. Let me bring in a color brochure. It features Babar.
Woody: Uh, can I get one?
Frasier: I'll bring in a boxful!

Cliff: Norm, it's a little known fact the word "Florida" comes from the language of the Okefenokee Indians and it means literally, "place where the old people come to sweat".

Cliff: Hey, speaking of sweat, here's a little-known fact. Women have fewer sweat glands than men, but they're larger, more active.
Coach: Oh, the human body, huh?
Cliff: Consequently, they sweat more.
Norm: Really?
Cliff: Sure. How about you, miss? What are your perspiration patterns?

Diane: Well, what I can't fathom is how one can drink cold beer in freezing weather.
Norm: Cliff? Explanation please.
Diane: Now, how do you know he has one?
Norm: Five bucks says he does, ten says it's a doozy.
Cliff: When the British ruled Punjab...
Norm: Ten bucks all the way.
Cliff: ...they drank steaming hot tea on the hottest days of the year to balance out their inside and outside temperatures. See, conversely, drinking an ice-cold drink on a cold day actually results in a more comfortable body temperature.
Diane: All right. Why do you drink ice-cold beer on a hot day?
Norm: Mr. Clavin?
Cliff: What else are you gonna do with it?

Carla: So what's your problem, droopy drawers? You've been moping around here all night like a senior high-school girl who just broke up with her steady.
Cliff: Moping, Carla? I'm not moping. I'm just spending a little quiet time by myself. That's what a man is. Solitary, strong, independent. Ever hear of the lone wolf, Carla? The lone wolf, c'est moi. A man alone needing no one. I touch no one and no one touches me. I'm a rock. I'm an island.