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‘Take Me Out of the Ball Game’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Take Me Out of the Ball Game

1021. Take Me Out of the Ball Game

Aired March 26, 1992

When an old teammate announces he's trying out for the Red Sox again, Sam tries his hand at baseball again. Meanwhile, Frasier looks after Lilith's lab rat.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: You know, there's a lot of misunderstanding about rats or Rodendus vermicitis, as they're called in Latin. It turns out our long-tailed friend wasn't, after all, responsible for the dreaded bubonic plague as alleged through history. No, sir. It's caused by an animal called the bubon. That's right. And the threat, by the way, is still with us. So if anybody does see a bubon contact your local authorities.
Carla: How about if we just see a boob?

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Quote from Woody

Frasier: Well, I'd love to stick around and see how things turned out for Sam, but it's time Whiskers and I hit the road.
Woody: Oh, Dr. Crane, before you go, can I see him first? I love rats. We used to have a lot of them on the farm back in Hanover. Kept the barn free of cats.
Frasier: Woody, meet Whiskers. Oh, my God, he's gone!
Woody: Wow, that's a neat trick, Dr. Crane. Now do it with a bunny.
Frasier: No! Oh, no, Woody, you've got to help me find him! If Lilith comes back and I haven't got Whiskers, I'm dead meat!
Woody: You know, Dr. Crane, once, back in Hanover, I wanted to catch some rats and I started playing a flute and a bunch of them followed me out of town. And some children, too. Oh, wait, was that a movie? No, no, it happened.

Quote from Carla

Norm: Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute! Carla's been here the longest. If anyone should take over, it's Carla.
Carla: Oh, no, no, no, not me. I'm the kind of person that doesn't like responsibility.
Norm: What are you talking about? You have eight children.
Carla: Well, I wouldn't if I were responsible.

Quote from Frasier

Lilith: That's not Whiskers.
Frasier: Of course it is.
Lilith: No, it isn't.
Frasier: Yes, it is. Have you gone mad, woman? I'm telling you, I swear to you that this, this rat is Whiskers!
Lilith: My Whiskers was clever and bright-eyed. This rat is sluggish and slow.
Frasier: Well, he missed you. I missed you. I'm sluggish and slow, too.
Lilith: Also, Whiskers responds to the sound of my voice. This specimen shows no sign of recognition whatsoever. Whiskers? Whiskers? See? No response. Where's my rat, Frasier?
Frasier: Lilith, as a scientist and as your husband, I swear to you that this rat is Whiskers. And I must tell you I'm a little hurt by your accusation that I might try to fool you. I look you straight in the eye and I swear to you that this rat here is... He's on my shoulder, isn't he?
Lilith: Come here, Whiskers.
Frasier: Surprise! I got Whiskers a mate! Oh, you lucky rat. Oh! Now he has female companionship. Do I have female companionship?
Lilith: Not for a long, long time.
Frasier: [to the rat] Nice going, mister. Let's see if you're as sluggish in the snake cage.

Quote from Lilith

Lilith: Oh. One other thing.
Frasier: Mmm, yes. Anything, my angel.
Lilith: Would you stop by the lab and pick up a short-haired rat-- l.D. number 17-A?
Frasier: Oh, Whiskers.
Lilith: Yes. I call him that because his whiskers are so pronounced. Get it? Whiskers... Whiskers.
Frasier: Humor is all about making those connections, darling.

Quote from Norm

Norm: You should be the one getting back in the game.
Sam: Well, I'm not saying I want to, but I sure as hell could, you know. Well, the only reason I got out of the game in the first place is I was drinking and all that, you know, and I'm not doing that anymore. I've still got my arm. Hell, I'm in as good a shape as I was when I was 18.
Norm: Same here. No, really! I tell you, Sammy, I can fit in the same clothes I wore in high school. Matter of fact, uh, if I'm not mistaken, these are them.

Quote from Rebecca

Frasier: So, uh, has Sam returned from his tryout yet?
Cliff: Oh, he should be back anytime now.
Rebecca: I'm telling you guys, he's setting himself up to be disappointed. He's going to walk in here feeling like a big loser.
Carla: What makes you think Sam's as big a loser as you are?
Rebecca: Excuse me, Carla, but I did not say that he was as big a loser as I am.

Quote from Sam

Sam: You know, I keep having this feeling I'm forgetting something.
Rebecca: Well, do you have the night deposit?
Sam: Yeah, right here.
Rebecca: Did you put the extra cash in the safe?
Sam: Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Rebecca: I know.
Sam: What?
Rebecca: You didn't call the beer distributor.
Sam: No, I asked Woody to do that. Ah, all right. I'll, I'll call him in the morning, myself. Oh, oh, wait, wait. I know what it is. I know what it is. [opens door]
Norm: Good night, Sammy. See ya in the morning.

Quote from Frasier

Lilith: All right, you don't have to come. Now, while I'm away, I need you to water the plants, pay the paperboy and take the garbage out on Tuesday nights. I've written it all down for you.
Frasier: Lilith, you don't have to treat me like a child.
Lilith: Of course not, Frasier. Oh. Please remember, don't open the door to strangers.
Frasier: Lilith.
Lilith: Well, Frasier, there is a precedent set. We lost our stereo that day.
Frasier: Well, he looked friendly. He needed to use the phone!
Lilith: It was 3:00 in the morning, darling.
Frasier: People have flats at 3 in the morning.
Lilith: He was wearing a ski mask.
Frasier: I won't open the door to strangers.

Quote from Cliff

Sam: What do you guys think? Seriously.
Cliff: Well, Sammy, uh, we, we'd love for you to do it. I mean well, it'd give us back our lives.
Sam: What do you what do you mean?
Norm: Sammy, it's no secret we've been living vicariously through you for the past several years and lately, frankly, it's gotten kind of boring.
Sam: That bad, huh?
Cliff: I mean, we've actually been thinking about living vicariously through Phil.
Phil: [to a woman] So I get my socks out of the dryer and one of them's missing.

Quote from Rebecca

Rebecca: Oh, brother. This is terrific.
Sam: What?
Rebecca: You want to play baseball again, fulfill your little fantasy. Well, why don't we all do that? I mean, why don't I go back to my high school prom? Huh? Maybe I'd have a pretty dress. Maybe I wouldn't weigh 300 pounds and be on tetracycline.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Sammy. Don't listen to her. You want something, you have to go for it. If I didn't feel that way, I'd still be sitting way over there by the piano.

Quote from Cliff

Rebecca: I am merely trying to point out the fact that he's older, and there are better, faster, younger players.
Carla: Yeah, well I think that you're gonna be surprised, 'cause Sam's gonna make this team. Right, guys?
Norm: Right, of course. He's Mayday Malone.
Cliff: Yeah, but, uh, hold on there, Normie, what if he doesn't? Thought about that? A thing like that can really hit a guy hard. Yeah, he'll probably, uh, storm back in here, go in the office and lock himself in and, uh, maybe start taking inventory of his life, peruse over the setbacks, the humiliations, the wrong turns, and all the while fashioning his belt into a makeshift noose. I mean, we've all done it a hundred times.
Frasier: You okay, Cliff?
Cliff: What are you asking me for? Sam's the one with the problem.

Quote from Woody

Carla: Hey, Wood, what's in the mail?
Woody: Oh, just the usual. A couple subpoenas from that Mitch guy. Oh, hey, it's a postcard from Sam.
Norm: All right.
Carla: Oh, read it.
Woody: "Greetings from New Britain, Connecticut, home of Shade Leaf Tobacco and Carions."
Carla: No, read what Sam wrote.
Woody: That is what Sam wrote.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Boy, oh, boy, the thought of Sammy out there on the mound chucking 'em down.
Cliff: Yeah.
Norm: What I wouldn't give to see that, huh?
Cliff: Norm, it's only a $30 train ride.
Norm: Well, that's what I wouldn't give.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Well, I finally resigned myself to it. We've tried everything. There's no way we're gonna find Whiskers. A priceless, highly-trained laboratory animal; virtually irreplaceable, so I went by the pet store and dropped 99 cents on this guy here. Well, what the hell? They were gonna feed him to the boa constrictor anyway.
Rebecca: What's all this other stuff?
Frasier: Oh, I snuck this out of the laboratory. See, I've got exactly 48 hours to teach this guy here everything that his predecessor knew.
Rebecca: How are you gonna do that?
Frasier: Well, if... If you would, Rebecca... With a series of mazes and other such similar devices. You see, lower forms of intelligence can be trained to perform simple actions by rewarding them with food when they perform correctly, or punishing them with electrical shocks when they perform incorrectly.
Cliff: Hey, look at that, Norm, I pushed down a lever, got a nut.
Norm: Hey! I got a shock!
Cliff: I got another nut.
Norm: Ow! Hey! A shock!
Cliff: Oh, wait a minute. Let me push your lever down. Hey! I got a shock, too!
Norm: Oh! That's a mean little sucker!
Cliff: Ah, one of these times it's bound to give us a nut. Ow!

Quote from Sam

Sam: Who's taking care of the bar?
Carla: Rebecca.
Sam: Oh, my God!
Carla: Aw, I was just kidding. No one.
Sam: Ah, ah. You scared me there for a second.

Quote from Sam

Carla: Maybe you should give it a little more time, Sammy. I mean, you've only been here a few weeks. Hey, look, you can't quit now. I'm not gonna let ya!
Sam: Come on, Carla. You've supported me in all my other decisions, except for maybe you know, going out with Diane... And selling the bar... And hiring Rebecca, and you know, deciding to have a kid with her and everything. What the hell kind of friend are you, anyway?

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Interesting little article here. It says that the average human being only uses 17% of its brain. Boy. You realize what that means?
Norm: Mmm?
Cliff: We don't use a full, uh... 64%.
Norm: Some don't use even more.

Quote from Woody

Woody: [laughs]
Rebecca: All right. Who let Woody read "Ziggy"? [Woody laughing] You realize he's gonna be useless for the next 15 minutes. [Woody thuds to the ground] Woody, take your break. [Woody laughing]

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