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‘Coach in Love, Part 1’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Coach in Love, Part 1

306. Coach in Love, Part 1

Aired November 8, 1984

When Coach first lays eyes on Irene, he is convinced he is going to marry her.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Norm, it's a little known fact the word "Florida" comes from the language of the Okefenokee Indians and it means literally, "place where the old people come to sweat".

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Quote from Coach

Coach: Oh, hi, sweetheart. Are you ready for the best dinner of your life?
Irene: Ernie, every dinner I have with you is better than the one before it. [all aww]
Coach: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is Wednesday. Every Wednesday up at Melville's the vegetable is spinach. Spinach is green and you know what that means, right? So please sit down. I've got a couple of questions. What I want to say is... Oh, wait a minute I got it. Uh, Irene... l'm not a rich man. I'm not a young man. I'm not a handsome man. I'm not a tall man. I'm not a strong man. I'm not a talented man. I'm not a well-traveled man. I'm not a smart man. I'm not a milkman. I'm not a fat man. I'm not a gingerbread man. I'm...
Irene: What are you trying to say?
Coach: Oh, I don't need a piece of paper to tell you what my feelings are. Irene... Well, maybe I do. I'm not a rich man. I'm not a young...
All: Coach! [Sam points to his heart]
Coach: Oh, yes, Sam. Look, Irene, what I'm trying to say is, I love you and I want you to marry me, but I can't find the words to say it.
Irene: Ernie, you've said all the words you need to. I'd love to be your wife.
Coach: She said yes!

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Well, another day shot, huh? I guess I'll just slip off to the old hacienda and close the peepers. Well, good night.
Sam: Later.
Cliff: Well, it's not really later in Florida, Sammy. It's a popular misconception. It's Eastern Standard Daylight Time down there, too. Speaking of time, boy, it really stops still when you're in the Everglades. Boy, they have got huge gators down there. You know, gators are what we who are familiar with Florida call alligators. Yeah, they have huge gators and crocs. You all know what a croc is?
All: Oh, yeah.
Cliff: Well, the first morning there was crystalline. As I was stepping out of the hydrofoil, the captain, Billy Bob Dupre, I think his name was, asked me not to bring the beach umbrella. Well, because it got caught in the prop on the way out...

Quote from Diane

Diane: Just goes to show, love can strike anywhere, anytime. It doesn't ask your name or your age. It asks only...
Sam: How big are your bazongas?
Diane: I should have known the beauty of this moment was lost on you. Haven't you realized yet there is a great difference between the Coach's affaire de coeur and your animal cravings? Tap your cloven hoof twice for "yes".

Quote from Norm

Coach: Normie, how did you propose to Vera?
Norm: Well, I... You know something? I don't think I did. You think there could there be a loophole in this terrible tragedy?
Cliff: Uh, not if you consummated it.
Norm: Egad! Why couldn't we have had this conversation yesterday?

Quote from Carla

Cliff: Carla, look, the Sox are rallying.
Carla: I've sworn off those losers forever. [crowd cheers on TV] I am not interested.
Commentator: It's going... Going...
Carla: I retract everything! Go Sox!
Commentator: Oh, it's caught. That will do it.
Carla: Oh, God! You know, I don't ask for much in this life. Fresh fish. Ten cents off on laundry detergent. Volcanic boils all over my ex-husband. And the Sox in the Series again before I die.
Cliff: Hey, you're a good woman, Carla.
Carla: Ah, shove it!

Quote from Carla

Diane: Hi, I'm finally here. Better late than never.
Carla: That wouldn't be my choice.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Ooh, what have we got here?
Diane: Uh, just some things... Some things you forgot a few months ago. To be opened later privately and very discretely.
Sam: Hey, my pants! All right, I've been looking for these. Where did you find them, in your bedroom?
Diane: A little louder please for the three of four people in the Ukraine who didn't hear. There's more. I don't know how you got along without your Snoopy toothbrush?
Norm: Nice, Sammy.
Cliff: Hey, Mr. Tooth Decay better watch out now, Sam.
Sam: I'll have you know that four out of five dentists rate this right at the top.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Oh, but you can keep that little hand puppet you loved so much.
Sam: Hand puppet?
Diane: Yes, Brian the Lion.
Sam: Oh, yeah. Brian the Lion. [notices Carla is dusting the bar with it]
Diane: I remember how touched you were that I gave you something that I had in my childhood.
Sam: Yes, extremely. [to Carla] I'll give you five bucks to run out right now.
Carla: You got it.
Sam: No, take this with you...
Diane: [gasps] Brian?
Sam: Oh, by golly, in this light, it does look a little bit like Brian.
Diane: Brian the Lion, a bar rag? Sam Malone, you are the most insensitive, insufferable boob I have ever had the misfortune to run across.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Uh, you know, since I'm going to have to part with that sweater, could you tell me where I might be able to get one exactly like it?
Diane: Sorry, Sam, I bought it in Ireland years ago. It's one of a kind. Totally irreplaceable.
Sam: Uh-huh. So if a guy had been spending his whole morning going from one department store to the next, he'd be wasting his time? [Diane gasps as Sam shows her the sweater] Oh, I'm sorry! I'm sorry. It's clean.
Diane: Sam, how could you?
Sam: Oh, come on now, Diane. Don't be small about this.
Diane: I hate you!
Sam: Well, don't you want this?
Diane: What in the world is it good for?
Sam: Well, did you see that movie The Incredible Shrinking Woman? I pray to God it never happens to you, but you never know...

Quote from Sam

Sam: [answers phone] Cheers. Oh, well, hello, Sue. Uh, Irene, it's your daughter. Well, this is a surprise. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Yeah, I've been expecting this call for a long time. OK, commence begging. Sam, Sam Malone. Yeah, she's here. [to Irene] Uh, she wants to talk to you. [places phone down]
Diane: Sam, you seem to be working awfully hard to get a date with a woman who obviously wouldn't cross the street to spit in your hair.
Sam: Don't worry. Don't worry. She will when she gets to know me.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Well, Sam, that'll be five bucks for my mad dash out of the room. What was that all about?
Diane: Brian the Lion was my dearest childhood pal.
Carla: Oh then being a grimy bar rag should be a step up.

Quote from Coach

Coach: Sam, did you see the lady there in the green dress?
Sam: Yep.
Coach: I'm going to marry her.
Sam: You're going to marry her?
Coach: I'm going to marry her.
Sam: What's her name?
Coach: I don't know her name. That doesn't mean a thing. Sam, it's what we Italians call "the thunderbolt". I had the exact same thing happen to me when I first laid eyes on my Angela.
Cliff: Coach, don't you think you're jumping gun a little bit, here?
Coach: Cliffie, honest, I know what I know. Normie, do you think I should go over there and introduce myself?
Norm: Yeah, I think it's best, Coach. It eliminates that awkward first meeting at the altar.

Quote from Diane

Sam: Coach, I'm going to be blunt with you. Her friend's cute and all that, but she doesn't have what I'm looking for in a woman.
Diane: What's that, breakaway clothes?

Quote from Coach

Sam: Are you two ladies out on the town tonight?
Irene: No, actually, we just dropped by to rob the place.
Coach: Everybody do as they say and nobody will get hurt!
Sam: No, Coach, that was a joke.
Coach: Oh. Well, I really enjoy a sense of humor. I mean, with me it's an absolute must.
Irene: Is that a player piano over there? [Coach laughs]
Sam: Coach, that was not a joke.
Coach: Oh. Well, I like a serious side to someone, too.

Quote from Coach

Norm: Coach, isn't it your night off tonight?
Coach: Yeah, it's my night off. Irene's coming in and I'm taking her up to Melville's for dinner.
Cliff: Oh, whoa, better dig deep, Coach. It's pretty expensive up north there.
Coach: Oh, I've been saving for a couple of weeks, Cliff. This is a very special evening.
Diane: I think it's wonderful you two found each other. You radiate such bliss.
Coach: You know why, dear? It's because we've got so much in common. We both love music. We both love Italian food. She's a widow, I'm a widower. She's a hairdresser, I've got hair. And get this, Diane, neither of us have ever been to Utah.
Diane: Oh, scary!

Quote from Carla

Coach: The thing is, I don't quite know how to ask her, but anybody got any suggestions?
Carla: The only proposal I ever heard was Nick's.
Coach: Well, it worked, honey. I mean, what did he say?
Carla: "Hey, Carla, I knocked you up, and you know where I live, so I guess I have to."
Coach: Not bad.
Diane: Now moving on to the higher primates...
Carla: Hey, hey, hey.

Quote from Diane

Sam: Well, I guess this seems to be the time for the bartender to pour some champagne.
Coach: Oh, I'm sorry, Sam. What am I thinking?
Sam: No, no, Coach. I got it.
Diane: There have been many celebrations in this bar, but none as joyous and as inspiring as what we are experiencing here. Wasn't it Swinburne who first said... [phone rings]
All: I'll get it!

Quote from Carla

Norm: How long was I asleep?
Carla: Couple of hours. You dropped off during Cliff's Florida travelogue.
Sam: Yeah. Boy, you were the lucky one. Any subject you bring up, he uses as an opening.
Carla: Yeah, at least before he went to Florida he was boring on a wide range of topics.

Quote from Norm

Sam: Last call, everybody.
Carla: You gonna wake Norm?
Sam: That won't be necessary.
Norm: [watch beeps; Norm wakes up] One more and I'm a memory.
Sam: Coming right up.

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